life is hard. pain hurts, hearts break.
Ephesians 6:11 tells us we must put on the armour of God in order to stand agains the schemes of the enemy. in Isaiah 54:17, our Father tell us that no weapon formed against us will prosper, or come to pass.
what do these two verses have in common? they're meant to prepare you for things that are happening or will happen in your life. we have to put on His armour for battle because, there WILL be a battle. and with His protection, no weapon formed against us will prosper...BUT, there WILL be weapons formed against us. we absolutley will face hard times, and sometimes, life kicks us when we're down. and it's painful, and dark, and sometimes the light doesn't come back for a long, long time.
this morning, i was looking at desiree's pearl earrings, and i was reminded how pearls are made. the oyster gets a grain of sand stuck in it, and it HURTS. the oyster must feel miserable, but during the pain, it is producing something beautiful; a pearl, something that is sought out by many because of its delicate beauty. then there's diamonds....they start as dirty coal, but through much pressure and heat, they become a precious gem. and silver is refined only through what? FIRE!
hard times will come! this world is hard, and we have an enemy who wants to destory us with whatever he can to make us ineffictive for the Kingdom of light. but through the hurt, the pressure, the fire, we are becoming something beautiful and much treasured.
be an oyster, let your pain produce something unique and valuable for someone else. you never know, the heartbreak you're going through today may be used in the future to help others going through the same thing, and the reason and purpose you're experiencing hurt now will all make sense.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
our inconveniences are apart of His plan
i had such a lovely weekend. we spent it in warm, sunny florida, eating lunch on the beach, taking a stroll on the boardwalk, shopping, spending a day riding horses and enjoying the outdoors. a relaxing and fun time..until tragedy struck.
okay okay, well maybe not TRAGEDY so to speak. just a minor inconvenience really..but at the time, of course the world ended and doom and gloom set in. okay okay, maybe another small exaggeration, but i was aggravated. set backs are really a pain, aren't they?
about an hour after we left his dad's house, david noticed greasy fluid spraying up on my back glass. sure enough, it was transmission fluid. we had to quickly pull off and sit in a gas station parking lot for another hour until his dad came to get us. THANKFULLY, we didn't have to call a tow truck because his dad came with a flat bed trailer to load my car. THANKFULLY it happened only an hour away from his dad's and THANKFULLY david was with me when it happened. how many times have i made the trip to florida all by myself???
but of course in those first few moments, i was anything but THANKFUL. although, my first thought was, "i wonder what could have happened later on down the road had we kept going......" so while i immediatley put things in perspective, i was definitley not thankful. i was upset. i wanted to get home. i had a good time, but i wanted to go home. i started worrying about what my boss would say, what my co-workers would think, what david's work would do. i tried to put on a brave face, not knowing yet exactly what was wrong with the car, how long it would take to fix, or how much it would cost to fix it.
david quickly realized how upset i was getting, and being the rock that he is, he grabbed my hand and intently told me it would be okay. that worrying and making myself sick wouldn't help, and how we needed to stay positive and THANKFUL (there's that word again) that it happened while he was with me, and only an hour away from his dad and that we wouldn't have to pay for a tow truck. he must have spent 5 minutes giving me a good pep talk and calming my nerves.
david's dad showed up and as you can see from the picture, loaded my car up with no problems. THANKFULLY there was a man at his house who is a certified mechanic..who guess what? helped david fix my car. for not a lot of money and in a very short amount of time. i mean, how much favor does God give me and my family?! TOO MUCH!!! SO MUCH UNDESERVED GRACE AND MERCY HE SHOWERS ON US!!!!!
so i am THANKFUL!!!! thankful for whatever the reason was my car messed up (what the mechanic called a "fluke")..thankful that he was there to help david, thankful for the way it all worked out, thankful for getting home a day later and enjoying more time with my sweet little family, thankful for unforseen blessings, thankful that one day i will know the reason why this "fluke" happened. thankful that even when i have to look behind me to see something broken, like in this picture, i can trust that the broken will be fixed and that He has a plan in the brokeness.
okay okay, well maybe not TRAGEDY so to speak. just a minor inconvenience really..but at the time, of course the world ended and doom and gloom set in. okay okay, maybe another small exaggeration, but i was aggravated. set backs are really a pain, aren't they?
about an hour after we left his dad's house, david noticed greasy fluid spraying up on my back glass. sure enough, it was transmission fluid. we had to quickly pull off and sit in a gas station parking lot for another hour until his dad came to get us. THANKFULLY, we didn't have to call a tow truck because his dad came with a flat bed trailer to load my car. THANKFULLY it happened only an hour away from his dad's and THANKFULLY david was with me when it happened. how many times have i made the trip to florida all by myself???
but of course in those first few moments, i was anything but THANKFUL. although, my first thought was, "i wonder what could have happened later on down the road had we kept going......" so while i immediatley put things in perspective, i was definitley not thankful. i was upset. i wanted to get home. i had a good time, but i wanted to go home. i started worrying about what my boss would say, what my co-workers would think, what david's work would do. i tried to put on a brave face, not knowing yet exactly what was wrong with the car, how long it would take to fix, or how much it would cost to fix it.
david quickly realized how upset i was getting, and being the rock that he is, he grabbed my hand and intently told me it would be okay. that worrying and making myself sick wouldn't help, and how we needed to stay positive and THANKFUL (there's that word again) that it happened while he was with me, and only an hour away from his dad and that we wouldn't have to pay for a tow truck. he must have spent 5 minutes giving me a good pep talk and calming my nerves.
david's dad showed up and as you can see from the picture, loaded my car up with no problems. THANKFULLY there was a man at his house who is a certified mechanic..who guess what? helped david fix my car. for not a lot of money and in a very short amount of time. i mean, how much favor does God give me and my family?! TOO MUCH!!! SO MUCH UNDESERVED GRACE AND MERCY HE SHOWERS ON US!!!!!
Monday, December 19, 2011
yuck on the surface
i have often wondered why, when it seemed like the closer i was getting to God, the more i messed up. i would sometimes chalk it up to just being "more aware" of my great need for a Savior and what a huge failure i was. but then i came to the realization that, while both of those points are most certainly true, my excess screwing up isn't something that the Father uses to rub in my face and make me smell my own dirty laundry, so to speak.
so, i think i finally get it. when i need a break-through the most, when i seem to mess up time and time again, when my attitudes are at their worse and my mouth is spewing awful things, i think i can finally see and understand the plan He has for me through all of it. He is allowing my ugliness to come to the surface.
okay, so stay with me. when i exercise, my body sweats, which brings impurities and dirt, bacteria, and toxins to the surface. now, if i don't quickly exfoliate, clean, wipe the yucky away, then it stays on my skin. clogging my pores, and causing acne.
when you soak beans, you soak them to clean them. when they're in the pot, all of the dirt and filth from the beans rises to the top and it has to be skimmed away. if not, then the beans just cook in dirty water and nothing about the bean changes. you may as well not soak them at all.
don't you see? when our Father allows faults to rise to the surface, He wants to exfoliate, cleanse, skim them away! when it seems that you are closer than ever to Him, but can't understand why you're angry, depressed, using ugly language, etc....it's because in His great love, in His tender mercy, He is crying out for you to be cleansed and delivered of whatever binds you! we need our impurities to rise to the surface, to come out of us in order that we be scrubbed clean. but, we have to LET Him take away our sins..we have to allow Him to free us and get us out of the bondage that He is exposing to us to be on a deeper level of intimacy with Him.
He wants free fellowship with us, and if there are things hidden in our hearts that have yet to rise to the surface, we may not see the huge requirement in front of us to be whole and healthy individuals in order to be used by Him and for Him.
so go and be blessed, and know that every step you take closer to the Father, the more pure you will become. but it's not easy, the cleansing isn't always gentle...but His love is gentle, His mercy never ending, His kindess always enduring.
so, i think i finally get it. when i need a break-through the most, when i seem to mess up time and time again, when my attitudes are at their worse and my mouth is spewing awful things, i think i can finally see and understand the plan He has for me through all of it. He is allowing my ugliness to come to the surface.
okay, so stay with me. when i exercise, my body sweats, which brings impurities and dirt, bacteria, and toxins to the surface. now, if i don't quickly exfoliate, clean, wipe the yucky away, then it stays on my skin. clogging my pores, and causing acne.
when you soak beans, you soak them to clean them. when they're in the pot, all of the dirt and filth from the beans rises to the top and it has to be skimmed away. if not, then the beans just cook in dirty water and nothing about the bean changes. you may as well not soak them at all.
don't you see? when our Father allows faults to rise to the surface, He wants to exfoliate, cleanse, skim them away! when it seems that you are closer than ever to Him, but can't understand why you're angry, depressed, using ugly language, etc....it's because in His great love, in His tender mercy, He is crying out for you to be cleansed and delivered of whatever binds you! we need our impurities to rise to the surface, to come out of us in order that we be scrubbed clean. but, we have to LET Him take away our sins..we have to allow Him to free us and get us out of the bondage that He is exposing to us to be on a deeper level of intimacy with Him.
He wants free fellowship with us, and if there are things hidden in our hearts that have yet to rise to the surface, we may not see the huge requirement in front of us to be whole and healthy individuals in order to be used by Him and for Him.
so go and be blessed, and know that every step you take closer to the Father, the more pure you will become. but it's not easy, the cleansing isn't always gentle...but His love is gentle, His mercy never ending, His kindess always enduring.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
$3 for eighty cents?!
i was furious this evening when i found out that my 6 year old daughter traded $3 in coins she had (for a fundraiser at school) for .80 cents. i saw no logic in it, she gave me no answer other than she wanted to..she doesn't know the girl's name, only that she is in second grade. i kept saying over and over, "you gave up your three dollars for .80 cents?" this may seem menial to you, but i'm all about teaching my girls the value of a dollar and RESPONSIBILITY!!! not to mention, most of the money she had came out of her sister's piggy bank. $3 in exchange for .80 cents. sounds like a raw deal to me.
so, who do i call and vent to? my best friend of course!!! i called david, her daddy, my husband, our rock. i just couldn't understand why anyone would give three dollars in exchange for eighty cents. i wanted him to talk to her; he did, much more calmly than me, and then when i got back on the phone, i just kept saying, "why would she DO that?! $3 for eighty cents?!"...and then of course all of my questioning subsided when the Spirit reminded me i do that to my Savior all the time.
i have the most costly gifts...salvation, grace, mercy. and i am daily exchanging it for something much cheaper...wrong attitudes, harsh words, pride. i willingly exchange my gifts from God for something that is of far less value. and i do this often. how many times do i get done praying, "thank you so much for Your mercy"...and then refuse to give mercy to someone else who needs it? or maybe i'll trade His love in on people-approval..DEFINITLEY MUCH LESS VALUABLE BY THE WAY, because basically people suck and so does their approval. most i know are fake fake fake and their approval is also fake fake fake. so instead of making sure i'm pleasing Him and basking in His love for me, i'm too busy ignoring His acceptance and seeking it in someone else.
this is an every day occurence that WE ALL do this!!! we take the diamonds and pearls that our Father in Heaven gives us and exchange them at the corner street market for some cheap costume jewelry. and then we walk around all day wearing our costume jewelry, thinking we're better than everyone, full of pride and "me-ness," and completely ignore the fact that the fake jewelry around our necks will break like cheap garbage and we'll be in desperate need for those diamonds and pearls once more.
DEAR GOD, PLEASE don't let me exchange the blessings You give me for something that could NEVER equal the value of Your gifts!!!! $3 for eighty cents may seem like a raw deal, but so does grace in exchange for self.
so, who do i call and vent to? my best friend of course!!! i called david, her daddy, my husband, our rock. i just couldn't understand why anyone would give three dollars in exchange for eighty cents. i wanted him to talk to her; he did, much more calmly than me, and then when i got back on the phone, i just kept saying, "why would she DO that?! $3 for eighty cents?!"...and then of course all of my questioning subsided when the Spirit reminded me i do that to my Savior all the time.
i have the most costly gifts...salvation, grace, mercy. and i am daily exchanging it for something much cheaper...wrong attitudes, harsh words, pride. i willingly exchange my gifts from God for something that is of far less value. and i do this often. how many times do i get done praying, "thank you so much for Your mercy"...and then refuse to give mercy to someone else who needs it? or maybe i'll trade His love in on people-approval..DEFINITLEY MUCH LESS VALUABLE BY THE WAY, because basically people suck and so does their approval. most i know are fake fake fake and their approval is also fake fake fake. so instead of making sure i'm pleasing Him and basking in His love for me, i'm too busy ignoring His acceptance and seeking it in someone else.
this is an every day occurence that WE ALL do this!!! we take the diamonds and pearls that our Father in Heaven gives us and exchange them at the corner street market for some cheap costume jewelry. and then we walk around all day wearing our costume jewelry, thinking we're better than everyone, full of pride and "me-ness," and completely ignore the fact that the fake jewelry around our necks will break like cheap garbage and we'll be in desperate need for those diamonds and pearls once more.
DEAR GOD, PLEASE don't let me exchange the blessings You give me for something that could NEVER equal the value of Your gifts!!!! $3 for eighty cents may seem like a raw deal, but so does grace in exchange for self.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
it's a lie: just a blog to vent
if anyone can prove to me that christmas, december 25th, is our Savior's day of birth.. i will literally stand on my head for 24 hours. seriously. it is a proven fact that He was not born in december at all, and definitley not on december 25th. do your own research, it's all there. computer, books, history, the Bible....check it out. you've been lied to. "Jesus is the reason for the season?" um, no. take me for a scrooge, and a bah-humbug, but our Messiah should be the reason for every season. the fact that He came to earth as a God-babe should be celebrated EVERY DAY..not just one day that is mixed with some fat man in a red suit, presents, over-eating, family disputes, and self-indulgence! so the next time someone says that christmas is His birthday, you can ask why they believe that. and 99% of the time it's because of how they were raised, or because of what a church told them. but it's a lie. so i suggest you dig and do your own research. and if you can prove me wrong, then by all means..i'm ready to stand on my head :)
Saturday, December 3, 2011
why Jesus is better than Santa
i was surfing through my old myspace blogs (man, i used to be a fiery one in my writing) and came across this. thought i'd share it since it's the season for santa. i think it's something that my sis-in-law sent me, but loved it so much i copied and pasted it on my blog.
WHY JESUS IS BETTER THAN SANTA CLAUS!
Santa lives at the North Pole....JESUS is everywhere
Santa rides in a sleigh...JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water
Santa comes but once a year.....JESUS is an ever present help
Santa fills your stockings with goodies.....JESUS supplies all your needs
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited...JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart invited
You have to wait in line to see Santa...JESUS is as close as the mention of His name
Santa doesn't know your name; all he can say is "Hi, little boy or girl, what's your name?"....JESUS knew our name before we were born. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our head!!!
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly...JESUS has a heart full of love
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO...JESUS offers health, help and hope
Santa says, "You better not cry"..JESUS says, "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you." (this one is my favorite)
Santa's little helpers make toys....JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes, and builds mansions
Santa may make you chuckle but...JESUS gives you joy that is your strength
While Santa puts gifts under your tree...JESUS became our gift and died on a tree
WHY JESUS IS BETTER THAN SANTA CLAUS!
Santa lives at the North Pole....JESUS is everywhere
Santa rides in a sleigh...JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water
Santa comes but once a year.....JESUS is an ever present help
Santa fills your stockings with goodies.....JESUS supplies all your needs
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited...JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart invited
You have to wait in line to see Santa...JESUS is as close as the mention of His name
Santa doesn't know your name; all he can say is "Hi, little boy or girl, what's your name?"....JESUS knew our name before we were born. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our head!!!
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly...JESUS has a heart full of love
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO...JESUS offers health, help and hope
Santa says, "You better not cry"..JESUS says, "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you." (this one is my favorite)
Santa's little helpers make toys....JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes, and builds mansions
Santa may make you chuckle but...JESUS gives you joy that is your strength
While Santa puts gifts under your tree...JESUS became our gift and died on a tree
Sunday, November 27, 2011
blah
i HATE the sunday blues. ya know, when 5pm hits on sunday evening and the dreaded "monday" is staring at you smack dab in the face. and especially today, with the rain, after a 4 day break with my fella' and our girls, the holiday..going back to work tomorrow morning seems more crap than cool.
but, after this weekend, when a friend's family is reaching the breaking point of divorce, and another friend unexpectadley lost her mom the day after thanksgiving, and then yet another friend's daughter lost her home in a fire the day before thanksgiving...i think i'll suck up my sunday blues and be thankful for a job to go to.
this weekend proved hard for so many. family bonds were tested, faith was shaken, questions were asked that had no answers. and i know as i sit here and type in my warm and dry home with blessings a-plenty, adversity will soon hit me and my family. because, that's life. if it's not hard for me now, it will be. so i must stay armoured, pray in battle even when i'm not in the war. get prepared for a fight during times of peace. strengthen my faith, be diligent in prayer, stay close to my Savior's heart. and i encourage you to do the same.
if things are hard for you now..GREAT! you'll never know the huge plan that God has for your life if you don't embrace the pain and fight. fight through your tears..get down, but don't stay down! your pain and trials are and will be used for a purpose far greater than an "easy life" will produce!! and if right now, you're like me...so beyond blessed that complaining about anything would be a direct slap to God's face, then BE THANKFUL!!!!! but don't stop praying! you never ever stop praying just because things seem comfortable for you. i plead with you to jerk yourself out of complacency, hit your knees, and build your house on a rock. for when the storm comes...you won't want to be on anything but Christ's solid ground...
for my friends who have been swallowed by life's unfairness this past week, my prayers are with you. you are strong, beautiful, and you will find comfort in your pain.
but, after this weekend, when a friend's family is reaching the breaking point of divorce, and another friend unexpectadley lost her mom the day after thanksgiving, and then yet another friend's daughter lost her home in a fire the day before thanksgiving...i think i'll suck up my sunday blues and be thankful for a job to go to.
this weekend proved hard for so many. family bonds were tested, faith was shaken, questions were asked that had no answers. and i know as i sit here and type in my warm and dry home with blessings a-plenty, adversity will soon hit me and my family. because, that's life. if it's not hard for me now, it will be. so i must stay armoured, pray in battle even when i'm not in the war. get prepared for a fight during times of peace. strengthen my faith, be diligent in prayer, stay close to my Savior's heart. and i encourage you to do the same.
if things are hard for you now..GREAT! you'll never know the huge plan that God has for your life if you don't embrace the pain and fight. fight through your tears..get down, but don't stay down! your pain and trials are and will be used for a purpose far greater than an "easy life" will produce!! and if right now, you're like me...so beyond blessed that complaining about anything would be a direct slap to God's face, then BE THANKFUL!!!!! but don't stop praying! you never ever stop praying just because things seem comfortable for you. i plead with you to jerk yourself out of complacency, hit your knees, and build your house on a rock. for when the storm comes...you won't want to be on anything but Christ's solid ground...
for my friends who have been swallowed by life's unfairness this past week, my prayers are with you. you are strong, beautiful, and you will find comfort in your pain.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
i'm watching you...
i write dramas. skits, plays, whatever. i also perform and direct drama at church. i love being on stage and i feel most at home when i'm performing something that is God-breathed that i have written. it's what i was born to do. unfortunatley, there's no money in it where i live..so instead i do it to bring honor to my Creator, my Savior. i do it in hopes that someone's life will be touched and what they see on stage will forever stay in their spirit and heart. so very often, i am approached by people that tell me how much i ministered to them through a skit, whether i wrote it, directed it, or performed it. i'm humbled every time because it thrills me that a holy God has chosen to use what i LOVE to do and use it for HIS Kingdom!!
so this morning, when i was approached by a man i had never seen (who apparently sits 2 rows behind me every sunday), i was positive he was going to tell me something to the effect of, "i just want to let you know how much i enjoy what you do on stage," or something of that nature. but he didn't.
this elderly man of probably early 70s gets in my face, practically nose to nose. i can see every freckle, wrinkle, and liver spot on his face, i can even see my reflection in his bifocals. what he says blessed me more than any accolade i could have received for any acting performance. he said to me, "i just want to let you know what joy i find in the way you love on your daughters, and the way they love you back. every sunday i watch you and your girls, and it's such a breathe of fresh air the way you are with them. when i was your age, i was too busy telling my children to be quiet or sit down, but we didn't love on each other the way you do with one another."
i thought i would cry right then. this man, whom i'd never seen, sitting two rows behind me in church....wow. i mean, i've had friends say how sweet it is that calli raises her hands during worship, or how precious desiree is when she lays her head on my shoulder..but THIS. from a STRANGER!
no, this is no act i put on. when i'm at church, and even when i'm not, my girls are 100% loved and they 100% love me back. we kiss, we hug, we snuggle, we play with each other's hair (well, i play with their hair...i hate having my hair played with). it's a time where i get to sit with them, sing with them, worship with them, pray with them, take communion with them. and when david is in town and in church with me, it's no different. typically calli sits in his lap and desiree is laying on my lap. we are lovey-dovey family and the fact that a stranger noticed made me wonder how many times i'm being watched by others. not just at church while sitting with my girls, but all the time.
who's watching me to see how i react when someone at work ticks me off? who's listening and paying attention when i gossip and i really shouldn't be? who sees me pull out of church on sunday morning, and then sees me get mad at a store clerk on monday? who watches us? everyone. everyone does. if you claim to be a child of the King, you are going to be watched. be on guard. be holy as He is holy. be found loving, being patient, possessing the fruit of the Spirit. someone is going to notice you. but don't take my word for it...just ask the old man two rows behind me....
so this morning, when i was approached by a man i had never seen (who apparently sits 2 rows behind me every sunday), i was positive he was going to tell me something to the effect of, "i just want to let you know how much i enjoy what you do on stage," or something of that nature. but he didn't.
this elderly man of probably early 70s gets in my face, practically nose to nose. i can see every freckle, wrinkle, and liver spot on his face, i can even see my reflection in his bifocals. what he says blessed me more than any accolade i could have received for any acting performance. he said to me, "i just want to let you know what joy i find in the way you love on your daughters, and the way they love you back. every sunday i watch you and your girls, and it's such a breathe of fresh air the way you are with them. when i was your age, i was too busy telling my children to be quiet or sit down, but we didn't love on each other the way you do with one another."
i thought i would cry right then. this man, whom i'd never seen, sitting two rows behind me in church....wow. i mean, i've had friends say how sweet it is that calli raises her hands during worship, or how precious desiree is when she lays her head on my shoulder..but THIS. from a STRANGER!
no, this is no act i put on. when i'm at church, and even when i'm not, my girls are 100% loved and they 100% love me back. we kiss, we hug, we snuggle, we play with each other's hair (well, i play with their hair...i hate having my hair played with). it's a time where i get to sit with them, sing with them, worship with them, pray with them, take communion with them. and when david is in town and in church with me, it's no different. typically calli sits in his lap and desiree is laying on my lap. we are lovey-dovey family and the fact that a stranger noticed made me wonder how many times i'm being watched by others. not just at church while sitting with my girls, but all the time.
who's watching me to see how i react when someone at work ticks me off? who's listening and paying attention when i gossip and i really shouldn't be? who sees me pull out of church on sunday morning, and then sees me get mad at a store clerk on monday? who watches us? everyone. everyone does. if you claim to be a child of the King, you are going to be watched. be on guard. be holy as He is holy. be found loving, being patient, possessing the fruit of the Spirit. someone is going to notice you. but don't take my word for it...just ask the old man two rows behind me....
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
i love you MORE!
both of my daughters, but especially my little calli (my 6 year old) is convinced she loves me more than i love her. recently on the way to school she asked me how much i loved her. i grasped for something that even came close to the amount of love i have for my precious daughter, and all i came up with was, "more than you could ever imagine. to the moon and stars and back. i love you for eternity." she then proceeded to tell me without skipping a beat, "well, i love you one thousand more than that!" and so we went back and forth, even with desiree throwing some "i love you more"s in there. they would tell me how much they loved me (using some crazy high number that usually ended in -illion. i.e. catrillion, mooillion, baskillion, etc.) and of course i would say i loved them that much plus one, because well, i love them more!!!
last night calli said, "mommy, i love you more." to which i replied, "baby, you could never out-love your momma." she insisted that she "out-loves" me, but it could never happen. a child with a parent who loves them could never love them more than that parent loves their child. and so, i basked in that thought. as much as i love my momma, she out-loves me. and so on with my dad too. but it was the notion that i could never out-love my God that really made me ponder. i could never in a million years love my Savior more than He loves me. and so, i wonder and would most certainly like to believe.....when i pray, and i say "i love you, Father" ..does He reply to me "I love you more." ?
last night calli said, "mommy, i love you more." to which i replied, "baby, you could never out-love your momma." she insisted that she "out-loves" me, but it could never happen. a child with a parent who loves them could never love them more than that parent loves their child. and so, i basked in that thought. as much as i love my momma, she out-loves me. and so on with my dad too. but it was the notion that i could never out-love my God that really made me ponder. i could never in a million years love my Savior more than He loves me. and so, i wonder and would most certainly like to believe.....when i pray, and i say "i love you, Father" ..does He reply to me "I love you more." ?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
back to the basics-a Sunday of playing hookey and revived revelation
here i am, playing hookey from church. it's not because i slept late (thank God for that extra hour of sleep. i totally needed it after my dog barked all night long). it's not because i don't want to be at my chuch, though i love it and its people dearly. i am simply playing hookey because we planned it this way. i wanted to have a leisurely breakfast with my gals, wash my car, and have my own worship time this morning. and so i did. and now here i sit, writing about my time with my God.
this morning, i got back to the basics. while listening to a worship song, the gratefulness, amazement, and humility from a Savior dying on a cross hit me like a ton of bricks. it is so easy to be casual about this, because it is so basic. God loves world, sends Son to die on cross, Son rises again, and grace is extended for all who accepts it and chooses to believe. it's the basic of the basics. it's where a sinner's debt is paid, it's the beginning of a life of salvation, it's where a relationship with your Creator all begins. and yet, without this solid foundation, there is no hope. this morning, as i sang and worshipped, the thought that i deserve hell without His grace became very real. the thought that if He had not come to die for our sins, even my sweet children would be doomed for hell. there would only be loss, every death and funeral would offer terrible suffering as the survivors could only wonder what happened to their loved ones in the "after life." maybe not. maybe we would just walk around and believe that we are not eternal beings and that after death, that is it. what a terribly purpose-less life we would all lead if we had no hope.
so while i'm always thankful for His grace, His mercy..this morning brought a new awakening in my soul to encourage you, that He is merciful, that He gives His grace freely, that His Son came and died for you.
i had a wonderful image in my head this morning while thinking about His grace, while pondering on our Messiah's death and resurrection. whether it was my wild imagination or the Spirit's leading that conjured up this picture in my head, i don't know, but i do know it was perfect for me. i thought of my girls at our kitchen table, eating a meal. they know if their food falls, or if they spill their drink, momma is going to be there to get out her clorox anywhere spray and clean up the mess. but what my kids don't do is purposefully make a mess, dump their water on the floor, or rub their food all over the table just because they know momma has the power and the tools to clean up their messes. now, if we screw up and sin, His grace is always there to "clean up our mess," but we should never take for granted His mercy and forgiveness so much, that we purposely make the mess and expect Him to forgive us. i know i'm so guilty of doing this...thinking "i know this is wrong, but i'm going to do it anyway and rely on His grace..." ...i don't want to be like that, though! i don't want to make a mess on purpose and then expect my Savior to get out the "clorox anywhere spray" and clean up my filth! i pray that He purifies me to be holy as He is holy.
this is what our God is crying out for us to do, to walk in His truth and abide by His word..the Bible says He gives us His "laws, rules, instructions" for our GOOD!!!! oh if only we understand the basics...the 10 commandments, His forgiveness, the wonders of His mercy...let's get back to the basics!!!! let's stop pretending to be more spiritually mature than we are by being prideful and turning up our nose to the "simplicity" of His love. without His love, we'd be doomed for an eternity seperated from Him in the darkest place!!!!
i leave you with a chorus from the song i listened to this morning...may it minister to your heart the way it did mine:
"Your grace is amazing to me,
and Your love is still such a wonder,
and Your cross is still bringing me to my knees, oh God,
You still amaze me....."
this morning, i got back to the basics. while listening to a worship song, the gratefulness, amazement, and humility from a Savior dying on a cross hit me like a ton of bricks. it is so easy to be casual about this, because it is so basic. God loves world, sends Son to die on cross, Son rises again, and grace is extended for all who accepts it and chooses to believe. it's the basic of the basics. it's where a sinner's debt is paid, it's the beginning of a life of salvation, it's where a relationship with your Creator all begins. and yet, without this solid foundation, there is no hope. this morning, as i sang and worshipped, the thought that i deserve hell without His grace became very real. the thought that if He had not come to die for our sins, even my sweet children would be doomed for hell. there would only be loss, every death and funeral would offer terrible suffering as the survivors could only wonder what happened to their loved ones in the "after life." maybe not. maybe we would just walk around and believe that we are not eternal beings and that after death, that is it. what a terribly purpose-less life we would all lead if we had no hope.
so while i'm always thankful for His grace, His mercy..this morning brought a new awakening in my soul to encourage you, that He is merciful, that He gives His grace freely, that His Son came and died for you.
i had a wonderful image in my head this morning while thinking about His grace, while pondering on our Messiah's death and resurrection. whether it was my wild imagination or the Spirit's leading that conjured up this picture in my head, i don't know, but i do know it was perfect for me. i thought of my girls at our kitchen table, eating a meal. they know if their food falls, or if they spill their drink, momma is going to be there to get out her clorox anywhere spray and clean up the mess. but what my kids don't do is purposefully make a mess, dump their water on the floor, or rub their food all over the table just because they know momma has the power and the tools to clean up their messes. now, if we screw up and sin, His grace is always there to "clean up our mess," but we should never take for granted His mercy and forgiveness so much, that we purposely make the mess and expect Him to forgive us. i know i'm so guilty of doing this...thinking "i know this is wrong, but i'm going to do it anyway and rely on His grace..." ...i don't want to be like that, though! i don't want to make a mess on purpose and then expect my Savior to get out the "clorox anywhere spray" and clean up my filth! i pray that He purifies me to be holy as He is holy.
this is what our God is crying out for us to do, to walk in His truth and abide by His word..the Bible says He gives us His "laws, rules, instructions" for our GOOD!!!! oh if only we understand the basics...the 10 commandments, His forgiveness, the wonders of His mercy...let's get back to the basics!!!! let's stop pretending to be more spiritually mature than we are by being prideful and turning up our nose to the "simplicity" of His love. without His love, we'd be doomed for an eternity seperated from Him in the darkest place!!!!
i leave you with a chorus from the song i listened to this morning...may it minister to your heart the way it did mine:
"Your grace is amazing to me,
and Your love is still such a wonder,
and Your cross is still bringing me to my knees, oh God,
You still amaze me....."
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
am i the only one?
**disclaimer: you may look at me completley different, hate me, feel judged, or just plain stop reading before you're even finished with this blog. trust me, none of this is my intention, and strictly written to a handful of people. but if i don't get this off my chest, i'm not going to get any sleep and if i don't get any sleep, then i will not be a happy girl tomorrow!**
i had to shut down facebook last night. the pictures of costumes and halloween good wishes filled my newsfeed, and i felt sick to my stomach. now before you get all defensive on me, hear me out. there are many i know that daily put on facebook how much they "love Jesus" and on an on about their Christianity. and then last night, i'm viewing pictures of them dressed up as witches, some covered with paint of death and blood, horrific masks, SOME EVEN DRESSING UP THEIR SMALL CHILDREN AS EVIL, DEAD ZOMBIES. it blew my mind! (and you're probably one i'm writing about and you're reading this thinking how "judgemental" i'm being) look, i don't run around town spouting off my "views" on this holiday or any other holiday. in fact, a co-worker i work with day in and day out didn't even know until yesterday afternoon that david, myself, nor my girls celebrate halloween. so please don't think i'm shoving anything down your throat.
you can call it harmless, do it all in the name of fun, but i refuse. and guess what people-who-have-looked-at-me-like-i-have-5-heads, there's nothing wrong with NOT CELEBRATING IT! my children get plenty of candy thank you very much!
we, as believers, are called to be HOLY AS HE IS HOLY!!! we are to be set apart as HE is set apart and unless you're 100% certain what you're doing is glorifying our Father's Name, then don't do it. trust me, i screw up! i'm not talking about daily sin, i'm talking about a certain parental decision to not celebrate halloween. my sis made a good point yesterday..we are in a daily spiritual battle between evil and light. what if, just what IF the ex-practicing witch and her occult stories are true about the sacrifices, the spells, the evil curses which are cast on halloween all true? (i've known someone who told me more than i wish to know about what occurs on this day) what IF this holiday isn't just harmless and fun and instead, we are opening a door to satan so wide that it would take spiritual warfare to close it? we are exposing our children to this potentially harmful day. we are shoving our families to frontline of battle! let it be about "family and fun" for you and don't think twice about what i'm saying...but i admonish and encourage you to please pray hard and seek the Scriptures about what Father expects of you as a Christian!!! especially if you're on the fence! don't just make excuses about His Word to do whatever pleases your flesh and makes everyone else happy.
two reasons we don't celebrate it: we do not glorify or celebrate or even acknowledge anything that uplifts the spirit of fear and the spirit of death. david and i have made the decision to protect our family and our children against such things. this for us, has been our family's decision.
but i'm starting to wonder:
-are we the only 30 year olds with children who don't celebrate halloween?
-am i the only one who HATES the idea of santa because it's a BIG FAT LIE and i'm expected to punish my child when she lies to me? and then, if a child finds out there's no santa, how will they know the "Jesus" and "God" you talk about is real too?
-am i the only one who has never pushed the idea of a tooth fairy or easter bunny because again, LIES!
-am i the only one who has done any research and knows per science, history, and good old Bible knowledge that December 25 is NOT Jesus' actual birthday and just a day picked out for His birthday by the Church?
-AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO AFTER READING THIS IS GOING TO LOVE ME? ..well, if so...so be it. i know in my heart (and if you know me even 1%) , i'm not being judgemental, i'm not a freak, my children in no way, shape, form, or fashion suffer because david and i don't celebrate certain days and teach them certain things.
my kids are whole, healthy, happy and have a joyous, content life! they are not sheltered, they are not naive, they have parents who love them and have to do what they feel is best to protect them and their little minds, bodies, and spirits while they are still under our roof. if you choose differently with your family, great. i'm sure you do not agree with everything i have said. or maybe you're the one person who does. either way, i have the 100% support of a loving husband and two wonderful girls, and my Savior has got my back, right or wrong, no matter what!
i had to shut down facebook last night. the pictures of costumes and halloween good wishes filled my newsfeed, and i felt sick to my stomach. now before you get all defensive on me, hear me out. there are many i know that daily put on facebook how much they "love Jesus" and on an on about their Christianity. and then last night, i'm viewing pictures of them dressed up as witches, some covered with paint of death and blood, horrific masks, SOME EVEN DRESSING UP THEIR SMALL CHILDREN AS EVIL, DEAD ZOMBIES. it blew my mind! (and you're probably one i'm writing about and you're reading this thinking how "judgemental" i'm being) look, i don't run around town spouting off my "views" on this holiday or any other holiday. in fact, a co-worker i work with day in and day out didn't even know until yesterday afternoon that david, myself, nor my girls celebrate halloween. so please don't think i'm shoving anything down your throat.
you can call it harmless, do it all in the name of fun, but i refuse. and guess what people-who-have-looked-at-me-like-i-have-5-heads, there's nothing wrong with NOT CELEBRATING IT! my children get plenty of candy thank you very much!
we, as believers, are called to be HOLY AS HE IS HOLY!!! we are to be set apart as HE is set apart and unless you're 100% certain what you're doing is glorifying our Father's Name, then don't do it. trust me, i screw up! i'm not talking about daily sin, i'm talking about a certain parental decision to not celebrate halloween. my sis made a good point yesterday..we are in a daily spiritual battle between evil and light. what if, just what IF the ex-practicing witch and her occult stories are true about the sacrifices, the spells, the evil curses which are cast on halloween all true? (i've known someone who told me more than i wish to know about what occurs on this day) what IF this holiday isn't just harmless and fun and instead, we are opening a door to satan so wide that it would take spiritual warfare to close it? we are exposing our children to this potentially harmful day. we are shoving our families to frontline of battle! let it be about "family and fun" for you and don't think twice about what i'm saying...but i admonish and encourage you to please pray hard and seek the Scriptures about what Father expects of you as a Christian!!! especially if you're on the fence! don't just make excuses about His Word to do whatever pleases your flesh and makes everyone else happy.
two reasons we don't celebrate it: we do not glorify or celebrate or even acknowledge anything that uplifts the spirit of fear and the spirit of death. david and i have made the decision to protect our family and our children against such things. this for us, has been our family's decision.
but i'm starting to wonder:
-are we the only 30 year olds with children who don't celebrate halloween?
-am i the only one who HATES the idea of santa because it's a BIG FAT LIE and i'm expected to punish my child when she lies to me? and then, if a child finds out there's no santa, how will they know the "Jesus" and "God" you talk about is real too?
-am i the only one who has never pushed the idea of a tooth fairy or easter bunny because again, LIES!
-am i the only one who has done any research and knows per science, history, and good old Bible knowledge that December 25 is NOT Jesus' actual birthday and just a day picked out for His birthday by the Church?
-AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO AFTER READING THIS IS GOING TO LOVE ME? ..well, if so...so be it. i know in my heart (and if you know me even 1%) , i'm not being judgemental, i'm not a freak, my children in no way, shape, form, or fashion suffer because david and i don't celebrate certain days and teach them certain things.
my kids are whole, healthy, happy and have a joyous, content life! they are not sheltered, they are not naive, they have parents who love them and have to do what they feel is best to protect them and their little minds, bodies, and spirits while they are still under our roof. if you choose differently with your family, great. i'm sure you do not agree with everything i have said. or maybe you're the one person who does. either way, i have the 100% support of a loving husband and two wonderful girls, and my Savior has got my back, right or wrong, no matter what!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
FORGIVE ME
please let me start out by saying "I'M SORRY!!!" as i beg for forgiveness ...here's my confession: *my* family are some of *those* leaf lookers who threaten the sanity of everyone here in the blue ridge mountains with their slow driving, their lack of turn signal usage, and the sudden braking in the middle of the road. my dad, his wife, their friend flew in on thursday and rented a car for 10 days (oh God help us all) and my sis, her hubby, and their two sweet angels are just up here for the weekend. we all met up for dinner last night and tonight we'll gather here at my house for some much needed family time and well, really yummy food. :)
if you have never spent an extended time away from a parent or siblings, or have never lived in another state, then you have no idea the agonizing pain of longing for them, or the joy you feel when you finally get to reunite. unless you are not the biggest fan of your family. for me, it's my mother in law. she is not missed. and if she reads this, i'm pretty sure she agrees she doesn't miss me either. in that case, the distance is sheer bliss.
BUT, if you do have loved ones living miles and miles away, then you know just how much i don't care that my dad drove 20 miles an hour on the wrong side of the road last night while i followed patiently behind. you can understand how messes made by children don't matter a bit, and it makes sense that i would drive out of my way for the next several days and spend extra gas just to see those faces for a short time.
so, if you see a car driving slowly, maybe the driver is even trying to take pictures while steering the vehicle, be a bit more patient. they're someone's family, and family is most certainly a gift.
my family, a gift...i pray i never take these times for granted....
if you have never spent an extended time away from a parent or siblings, or have never lived in another state, then you have no idea the agonizing pain of longing for them, or the joy you feel when you finally get to reunite. unless you are not the biggest fan of your family. for me, it's my mother in law. she is not missed. and if she reads this, i'm pretty sure she agrees she doesn't miss me either. in that case, the distance is sheer bliss.
BUT, if you do have loved ones living miles and miles away, then you know just how much i don't care that my dad drove 20 miles an hour on the wrong side of the road last night while i followed patiently behind. you can understand how messes made by children don't matter a bit, and it makes sense that i would drive out of my way for the next several days and spend extra gas just to see those faces for a short time.
so, if you see a car driving slowly, maybe the driver is even trying to take pictures while steering the vehicle, be a bit more patient. they're someone's family, and family is most certainly a gift.
my family, a gift...i pray i never take these times for granted....
Thursday, October 20, 2011
communion--a "childish" affair?
i was scrolling back on old posts on facebook this morning, and found where about a month or two ago, i wrote that my daughter (now 6 years old) took her first communion. and while she has never "officially" accepted salvation, i was so proud of her for being willing to listen and pray regarding the bread and the "wine" (grape juice).
she was in the service that morning because our church no longer has classes for school age children. she asked me to take part in communion, and i said that it was only for people who have accepted Jesus as their Savior. she said she had (i don't think she has). i find this funny because deep down, she probably just wanted the juice and cracker. but i took this opportunity very seriously to share with my small child what a real communion was all about. when the crackers were passed out, i shared with her the breaking of Jesus' body. when the juice was distributed, i explained His blood. we prayed before and asked forgiveness of our sins, we prayed during and after, thanking our Messiah for His sacrifice. i was blessed because calli was very serious during the whole thing. in fact, i'm blessed every night when she asks for family prayer time and when she herself prays, when she reads her Bible to me, and every sunday morning when she raises her hands in worship during the music. that little girl, officially "saved" or not, blesses me!
anyway, i noticed on my facebook post about this communion that someone simply commented "1st Corinthians 11:26-30." (note: i erased this post so as to protect the identity of this person) i didn't recall ever reading that, so i looked it up. it states that no one unworthily or unholy can accept communion and that was why so many were "weak and sick" because they took communion, basically, without proper credentials. (without being saved, i.e. admitting you need a Savior, and belief that Jesus was who He said He was and is)
now, i'm not saying that this person meant harm whatsoever. i have great respect for this individual. but it did get me thinking. that morning when my little girl took communion, i wonder what God saw. was it mud i smeared on His Son's death and resurrection when i allowed an unsaved girl to "eat of His body" and "drink of His blood?" was He disappointed or disdained with me? or did He see the heart of a woman who desperatley seeks out to please Him despite her daily failures, and a mother who desires to teach her children His ways and precepts? what did the Father see that morning?
which got me thinking further..what IS salvation? when the original communion took place, there had been NO death on a cross yet! His disciples were merely "saved" because they followed Him, they learned His ways and left all behind to seek after Him. abraham, isaac, jacob, king david, and on and on were "saved" because THEY BELIEVED and had faith in Him. and, in the Bible, it states that unless we become "like little children," we shall not inhereit the Kingdom of Heaven. this was said in the context of having faith like a little child who trusts in his/her parent for their very life. it is not a prayer that saves, it is not a terrible sinful road one goes down and THEN they can be saved, it is about believing, following, forsaking all, and recognizing we are a mess without our Messiah!!!
so, i wonder... calli knows what sin is, she believes in our Savior, she asks for forgiveness of her sins, she has a desire to read the Word and pray...does this mean she's "saved" ?? i guess now, at age 6, all that matters is that i'm teaching her truth and pray that she walks in that truth her entire life...but let's go one step further than a potentially unsaved 6 year old taking communion....
what about the ADULTS that morning taking communion? out of ritual..out of habit...out of pressure from whomever was sitting next to them. were there some in there with unclean hearts? some who didn't ask for forgiveness of their sins, some who had unforgiveness themselves? what about them?
so i ask you..make your own doctrinal/emotional/spiritual/mental conclusion...what pleased the Father the most? the tender young child, praying while a mother teaches her about the sacrifice of a Savior? or the unclean heart of an adult, the judgemental eye of an elder who thought maybe calli was too young to participate? i don't personally know what He thought, but what i do know is that i have two little girls and my own heart who desires to please Him..and for now, today, that's all i need to know.
she was in the service that morning because our church no longer has classes for school age children. she asked me to take part in communion, and i said that it was only for people who have accepted Jesus as their Savior. she said she had (i don't think she has). i find this funny because deep down, she probably just wanted the juice and cracker. but i took this opportunity very seriously to share with my small child what a real communion was all about. when the crackers were passed out, i shared with her the breaking of Jesus' body. when the juice was distributed, i explained His blood. we prayed before and asked forgiveness of our sins, we prayed during and after, thanking our Messiah for His sacrifice. i was blessed because calli was very serious during the whole thing. in fact, i'm blessed every night when she asks for family prayer time and when she herself prays, when she reads her Bible to me, and every sunday morning when she raises her hands in worship during the music. that little girl, officially "saved" or not, blesses me!
anyway, i noticed on my facebook post about this communion that someone simply commented "1st Corinthians 11:26-30." (note: i erased this post so as to protect the identity of this person) i didn't recall ever reading that, so i looked it up. it states that no one unworthily or unholy can accept communion and that was why so many were "weak and sick" because they took communion, basically, without proper credentials. (without being saved, i.e. admitting you need a Savior, and belief that Jesus was who He said He was and is)
now, i'm not saying that this person meant harm whatsoever. i have great respect for this individual. but it did get me thinking. that morning when my little girl took communion, i wonder what God saw. was it mud i smeared on His Son's death and resurrection when i allowed an unsaved girl to "eat of His body" and "drink of His blood?" was He disappointed or disdained with me? or did He see the heart of a woman who desperatley seeks out to please Him despite her daily failures, and a mother who desires to teach her children His ways and precepts? what did the Father see that morning?
which got me thinking further..what IS salvation? when the original communion took place, there had been NO death on a cross yet! His disciples were merely "saved" because they followed Him, they learned His ways and left all behind to seek after Him. abraham, isaac, jacob, king david, and on and on were "saved" because THEY BELIEVED and had faith in Him. and, in the Bible, it states that unless we become "like little children," we shall not inhereit the Kingdom of Heaven. this was said in the context of having faith like a little child who trusts in his/her parent for their very life. it is not a prayer that saves, it is not a terrible sinful road one goes down and THEN they can be saved, it is about believing, following, forsaking all, and recognizing we are a mess without our Messiah!!!
so, i wonder... calli knows what sin is, she believes in our Savior, she asks for forgiveness of her sins, she has a desire to read the Word and pray...does this mean she's "saved" ?? i guess now, at age 6, all that matters is that i'm teaching her truth and pray that she walks in that truth her entire life...but let's go one step further than a potentially unsaved 6 year old taking communion....
what about the ADULTS that morning taking communion? out of ritual..out of habit...out of pressure from whomever was sitting next to them. were there some in there with unclean hearts? some who didn't ask for forgiveness of their sins, some who had unforgiveness themselves? what about them?
so i ask you..make your own doctrinal/emotional/spiritual/mental conclusion...what pleased the Father the most? the tender young child, praying while a mother teaches her about the sacrifice of a Savior? or the unclean heart of an adult, the judgemental eye of an elder who thought maybe calli was too young to participate? i don't personally know what He thought, but what i do know is that i have two little girls and my own heart who desires to please Him..and for now, today, that's all i need to know.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
toothless is beautiful!
calli's top right tooth has been loose for about a month. A MONTH! do you know what it's like to have a 6 year old with a very very loose tooth for about a month..too loose for it not to wiggle around and not loose enough for it to come out. it's a daily conversation of "mom, when can you pull my tooth out?" "not yet honey" "UGH, WHEN MOM, WHEN?????!!!!!!"...which is then followed by me yelling "I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWW" ....i mean seriously. 30 days of this and you'd be yelling too.
after looking at her sideways tooth all day, david decided it was time to pull. he yanked, and jerked and POP! out came the tooth, and a little 6 year old girl was very very happy. mind you, she does NOT want the tooth fairy to have it for money..... "it can't be sold, mommy!"... apparantley we'll be keeping this one.
and of course spoken like a true girl she says, "i want to go look in the mirror!" after several minutes of inspecting her toothlessness, she came out of the bathroom proclaiming, "I LOOK WEIRD!" i laughed and teased of course, because that's just the type of wonderful mother i am! but david, no david wouldn't have any of it. he was insistent on telling her, "no you don't look weird! you're beautiful! everyone loses teeth..you look just beautiful!"
fast forward 10 minutes as he tucks her in bed and still calli says she looks weird, and still her daddy says, "no baby, you're beautiful. you don't look weird."
ahhhh...what a sweet reminder of what my Savior says to me when i say, "i sinned! i'm dirty! i look weird!!" He does just what david did to his daughter..."no darlena, you don't look weird. you're beautiful. I have forgiven you, you are cleansed by My blood."
so a big thanks to an amazing father for reminding me of my amazing Father in Heaven.
after looking at her sideways tooth all day, david decided it was time to pull. he yanked, and jerked and POP! out came the tooth, and a little 6 year old girl was very very happy. mind you, she does NOT want the tooth fairy to have it for money..... "it can't be sold, mommy!"... apparantley we'll be keeping this one.
and of course spoken like a true girl she says, "i want to go look in the mirror!" after several minutes of inspecting her toothlessness, she came out of the bathroom proclaiming, "I LOOK WEIRD!" i laughed and teased of course, because that's just the type of wonderful mother i am! but david, no david wouldn't have any of it. he was insistent on telling her, "no you don't look weird! you're beautiful! everyone loses teeth..you look just beautiful!"
fast forward 10 minutes as he tucks her in bed and still calli says she looks weird, and still her daddy says, "no baby, you're beautiful. you don't look weird."
ahhhh...what a sweet reminder of what my Savior says to me when i say, "i sinned! i'm dirty! i look weird!!" He does just what david did to his daughter..."no darlena, you don't look weird. you're beautiful. I have forgiven you, you are cleansed by My blood."
so a big thanks to an amazing father for reminding me of my amazing Father in Heaven.
Monday, September 19, 2011
eatin' gravel
a year ago yesterday....the morning of my nephew's wedding, i went jogging. it was early morning, my husband was at work, and my girls, my mom, and my brother were all still sleeping when i slipped outside for some cardio. on the run back to the house, i was enjoying the sound of my tennis shoes on the pavement when the next thing i know, i'm tripping over my own foot, and i fall. on my face.
i remember being eye level with road and rocks and asphalt, staring at the yellow line that divided the lanes. adrenaline shot through my system, but not enough to keep the stinging pain of road burn at bay. i knew i was hurt badly but had to force myself to get up, i still had another mile and half to go before i got back home. i kept telling myself "you're okay, darlena. you're okay. you're okay....i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay...darlena, you're okay...."
the walk home was agonizing. thankfully, i caught my body with my hands, so my face and head were saved, but the left side of my body was not so lucky. road rash stung, and with the cool september wind, every breeze was killing me. through tears, shortness of breath, and a lot of "you're okay, darlena," i made it home. i was hoping someone would be awake and help me with cleaning the rock and gravel out of my wounds. it would have been a nice release to finally cry like a small child over a skinned knee, but unfortunatley, everyone was still sleeping when i got home. my palms were injured, my elbow was bleeding profusley, my hip and thigh were raw, and there i stood at the kitchen sink washing all of it, alone and in pain..."it's okay darlena, i'm okay, i'm okay, this is okay".....
.....that wasn't the only time i've fallen on my face in this life, had to force myself back up because i had to, no matter how painful, tell myself it's okay, and make the journey back to where i started. or maybe where i started wasn't where i was headed, but i had to keep going no matter what. it wasn't the first time i've had to nurse my own wounds because i felt alone and in pain with no one there to help.
but the truth is, i was never alone. not the day i fell on the road in north carolina, or any of the other times i've fallen on the road of life. the bandaids i apply to my soul are Scriptures from God's Word..only, unlike natural bandaids that only cover the hurt, the Bible has the power to cover AND heal. i'm so thankful for a Savior who says to me, "you're okay, darlena. you're okay, I'm here...you're okay, I am with you," who cleans my wounds when i don't have the strength to, who picks the rocks out of my heart after falling on the ground. i may fall, but it's not me that has the power to get back up, it's He who lives inside of me.
i remember being eye level with road and rocks and asphalt, staring at the yellow line that divided the lanes. adrenaline shot through my system, but not enough to keep the stinging pain of road burn at bay. i knew i was hurt badly but had to force myself to get up, i still had another mile and half to go before i got back home. i kept telling myself "you're okay, darlena. you're okay. you're okay....i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay...darlena, you're okay...."
the walk home was agonizing. thankfully, i caught my body with my hands, so my face and head were saved, but the left side of my body was not so lucky. road rash stung, and with the cool september wind, every breeze was killing me. through tears, shortness of breath, and a lot of "you're okay, darlena," i made it home. i was hoping someone would be awake and help me with cleaning the rock and gravel out of my wounds. it would have been a nice release to finally cry like a small child over a skinned knee, but unfortunatley, everyone was still sleeping when i got home. my palms were injured, my elbow was bleeding profusley, my hip and thigh were raw, and there i stood at the kitchen sink washing all of it, alone and in pain..."it's okay darlena, i'm okay, i'm okay, this is okay".....
.....that wasn't the only time i've fallen on my face in this life, had to force myself back up because i had to, no matter how painful, tell myself it's okay, and make the journey back to where i started. or maybe where i started wasn't where i was headed, but i had to keep going no matter what. it wasn't the first time i've had to nurse my own wounds because i felt alone and in pain with no one there to help.
but the truth is, i was never alone. not the day i fell on the road in north carolina, or any of the other times i've fallen on the road of life. the bandaids i apply to my soul are Scriptures from God's Word..only, unlike natural bandaids that only cover the hurt, the Bible has the power to cover AND heal. i'm so thankful for a Savior who says to me, "you're okay, darlena. you're okay, I'm here...you're okay, I am with you," who cleans my wounds when i don't have the strength to, who picks the rocks out of my heart after falling on the ground. i may fall, but it's not me that has the power to get back up, it's He who lives inside of me.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
what's the point in having faith????
a woman's mother passed away tragically this morning of cancer. in speaking with someone who knows the friend, we bounced back the "whys" and the "i don't understands." the point was made that if God is in control anyway, why should we even have faith at all? why hope for a positive outcome, when God's sovereign will is going to prevail anyway? i've been thinking about this all day since our conversation.
first off, let me say that i am not, in any shape, form, or fashion one of those people that says "you shouldn't ask God 'why?'" in fact, that statement infuriates me! if we are to abide by His Word, to live for His purpose and glory, then we are to have a relationship with Him. and if we are to have relationship with Him, then we converse with Him and nothing is hidden from Him anyway..so even if you're thinking 'why?' in your heart, He already knows. so why not ask why? we may not get the answer we want, heck, we may not ever get an answer this side of the Kingdom...but i think it's okay to ask your Creator, your Savior, 'why?' when bad things happen. i even ask 'why?' when good things happen! okay, so now that that's out of the way....
so i've been thinking all day...what's the purpose? what's the reason in hope, in faith that people will be healed, that broken hearts become mended, that something will go our way..when all along, God is going to decide what is best either way, whether we like it or not?? i think it's important to understand that God's outcomes are not always what we think is perfect. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and My ways are not your ways." Isaiah 55:8. we don't see the big picture. we don't know the beginning from the end as our Father in Heaven does. if we were to choose how everything went in our life, it would be a huge mess, simply because we can't understand how our situations today would effect our future. Only a Soverign God could know that.
so i have come up with this; having faith and hope and trust isn't and shouldn't be about having a belief in how we want things to turn out. yes, we want God to heal our loved ones, yes, we want and believe God to make things right when storms come in our lives...but wanting God to do something isn't about faith, it's about a sense of control. true faith is, "okay God, i want this, or i need this. but if what i want, and if what i need do not line up with Your plan and Your will for me, then i'm okay. and i accept it. and i pray that as Your will is carried out in my life, that You would give me the strength to handle whatever Your will entails. and i'm going to hope and trust and have faith for the best, but i believe in You, and what You're going to do with me and through me during my trials. so even if things don't go how i want them to, how i pray they would, then it's okay. have Your way with me."
easier said than done? yes. but at the risk of sounding extremely cliche, our Father never promised us an easy road, but He HAS PROMISED that He will never ever ever ever leave or forsake. and that "ALL things work together for good to those who love God, and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
let's not every forget Job...who told his wife that he should curse God because of his trials. and instead he tells her that we shouldn't just accept the good from God in life, we must accept the bad too. my conversation bud this morning wasn't mad at God, so please don't think i'm telling you she had a bad attitude. but, she is broken hearted at seeing her friend go through this. her friend, who is a believer, and comes from a spiritual home. i know so many who are broken hearted for others and don't understand why they have to go through what they go through, but i believe in His promises. and i pray that you do too.
first off, let me say that i am not, in any shape, form, or fashion one of those people that says "you shouldn't ask God 'why?'" in fact, that statement infuriates me! if we are to abide by His Word, to live for His purpose and glory, then we are to have a relationship with Him. and if we are to have relationship with Him, then we converse with Him and nothing is hidden from Him anyway..so even if you're thinking 'why?' in your heart, He already knows. so why not ask why? we may not get the answer we want, heck, we may not ever get an answer this side of the Kingdom...but i think it's okay to ask your Creator, your Savior, 'why?' when bad things happen. i even ask 'why?' when good things happen! okay, so now that that's out of the way....
so i've been thinking all day...what's the purpose? what's the reason in hope, in faith that people will be healed, that broken hearts become mended, that something will go our way..when all along, God is going to decide what is best either way, whether we like it or not?? i think it's important to understand that God's outcomes are not always what we think is perfect. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and My ways are not your ways." Isaiah 55:8. we don't see the big picture. we don't know the beginning from the end as our Father in Heaven does. if we were to choose how everything went in our life, it would be a huge mess, simply because we can't understand how our situations today would effect our future. Only a Soverign God could know that.
so i have come up with this; having faith and hope and trust isn't and shouldn't be about having a belief in how we want things to turn out. yes, we want God to heal our loved ones, yes, we want and believe God to make things right when storms come in our lives...but wanting God to do something isn't about faith, it's about a sense of control. true faith is, "okay God, i want this, or i need this. but if what i want, and if what i need do not line up with Your plan and Your will for me, then i'm okay. and i accept it. and i pray that as Your will is carried out in my life, that You would give me the strength to handle whatever Your will entails. and i'm going to hope and trust and have faith for the best, but i believe in You, and what You're going to do with me and through me during my trials. so even if things don't go how i want them to, how i pray they would, then it's okay. have Your way with me."
easier said than done? yes. but at the risk of sounding extremely cliche, our Father never promised us an easy road, but He HAS PROMISED that He will never ever ever ever leave or forsake. and that "ALL things work together for good to those who love God, and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
let's not every forget Job...who told his wife that he should curse God because of his trials. and instead he tells her that we shouldn't just accept the good from God in life, we must accept the bad too. my conversation bud this morning wasn't mad at God, so please don't think i'm telling you she had a bad attitude. but, she is broken hearted at seeing her friend go through this. her friend, who is a believer, and comes from a spiritual home. i know so many who are broken hearted for others and don't understand why they have to go through what they go through, but i believe in His promises. and i pray that you do too.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
"this is how we should pray for others, as if it was happening to us"
i am apart of a secret group created by my brother on facebook called "the hiding place." it is strictly for myself and my siblings to post prayer requests, silly memories, or something that is weighing heavily on our hearts. this morning, my sister posted a prayer request for a friend of her's who is dealing with an ailing mother. my brother derek, with wisdom and compassion far greater than most, made the comment, "this is how we should pray for others, as if it were happening to us."
i'm not sure why, but i sat and stared at that sentence for a long time. i was reminded of Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." have you ever done that? i'm sure you have; shared joy with another, or cried when you saw someone crying. maybe because you truly felt their pain, or maybe because seeing them hurt broke your heart. joy and tears can be contagious...but can we really say that when we pray for them, when we pray about anything, that we pray as if that very thing in their lives, or in the world, is happening to us? frankly, i'm not sure i can.
when we pray for hungry mouths to be fed, are we fervent enough in our prayers to seek the face of the Father and cry out for justice and mercy? or do we say a simple prayer like, "oh God, help them." yes, He hears those prayers also..but it's the heart behind the prayers that matters the most. how about when we ask that someone be healed from something? do we dare take it upon ourselves to put our bodies in their shoes and pray earnestly for a touch from the healing hand of a Savior?
what about when a friend is infertile, someone has lost their home in a fire, best friends get a divorce, a family member has a broken relationship with their child, a close relative has cancer, a nation devastated by disaster, famine, genocide? do we stay on our knees, with hands lifted high, pleading on others' accounts for the Creator of all to hear our prayers? do we care that much about one another that we are willing to enter the throne room of Heaven in order for the longings of others hearts to be fulfilled? we should. it's Biblical. when we say we "i'll pray for you" ....never underestimate the power of those words. take it seriously, because if someone is asking for prayer, you might be the only one listening. it could be your very prayer that is lifted up that causes a change in a situation. it could be your heart, your earnesty, your ferverncy, that could change a life.
what about one of the most important prayers of all? praying for the lost? i know that we can't pray as *if* we were lost, but we can pray as if we're going to hell right along side our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers. to put our loved ones, nations, people-groups in the face of God on a daily basis, pleading for the work of His Spirit to penetrate their hearts, is an act of pure love. if no man comes to the Father except by belief in Jesus and that He and He alone is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6) , then why do we have such complacency when it comes to praying for others' salvation? there are so many unbelievers that pass our way every single day..and what are we doing about it? religions as a whole, going to hell because of their lack of faith, people dying daily thinking they were "good enough" in this life so Heaven is an obvious place for them. WAKE UP PEOPLE! WHY ARE WE NOT IN FERVENT, NEVER-CEASING PRAYER?????????
my plea today, to myself and to you, is that we start praying with more passion. more love, more mercy, more hunger to see God work in ways that only He can. i ask that we pray for other's spiritual, physical, and emotional lives as if they were our very own. "this is how we should pray for others, as if it was happening to us"
i'm not sure why, but i sat and stared at that sentence for a long time. i was reminded of Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." have you ever done that? i'm sure you have; shared joy with another, or cried when you saw someone crying. maybe because you truly felt their pain, or maybe because seeing them hurt broke your heart. joy and tears can be contagious...but can we really say that when we pray for them, when we pray about anything, that we pray as if that very thing in their lives, or in the world, is happening to us? frankly, i'm not sure i can.
when we pray for hungry mouths to be fed, are we fervent enough in our prayers to seek the face of the Father and cry out for justice and mercy? or do we say a simple prayer like, "oh God, help them." yes, He hears those prayers also..but it's the heart behind the prayers that matters the most. how about when we ask that someone be healed from something? do we dare take it upon ourselves to put our bodies in their shoes and pray earnestly for a touch from the healing hand of a Savior?
what about when a friend is infertile, someone has lost their home in a fire, best friends get a divorce, a family member has a broken relationship with their child, a close relative has cancer, a nation devastated by disaster, famine, genocide? do we stay on our knees, with hands lifted high, pleading on others' accounts for the Creator of all to hear our prayers? do we care that much about one another that we are willing to enter the throne room of Heaven in order for the longings of others hearts to be fulfilled? we should. it's Biblical. when we say we "i'll pray for you" ....never underestimate the power of those words. take it seriously, because if someone is asking for prayer, you might be the only one listening. it could be your very prayer that is lifted up that causes a change in a situation. it could be your heart, your earnesty, your ferverncy, that could change a life.
what about one of the most important prayers of all? praying for the lost? i know that we can't pray as *if* we were lost, but we can pray as if we're going to hell right along side our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers. to put our loved ones, nations, people-groups in the face of God on a daily basis, pleading for the work of His Spirit to penetrate their hearts, is an act of pure love. if no man comes to the Father except by belief in Jesus and that He and He alone is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6) , then why do we have such complacency when it comes to praying for others' salvation? there are so many unbelievers that pass our way every single day..and what are we doing about it? religions as a whole, going to hell because of their lack of faith, people dying daily thinking they were "good enough" in this life so Heaven is an obvious place for them. WAKE UP PEOPLE! WHY ARE WE NOT IN FERVENT, NEVER-CEASING PRAYER?????????
my plea today, to myself and to you, is that we start praying with more passion. more love, more mercy, more hunger to see God work in ways that only He can. i ask that we pray for other's spiritual, physical, and emotional lives as if they were our very own. "this is how we should pray for others, as if it was happening to us"
Sunday, July 10, 2011
a rant for me, a challenge for you
i don't really care about how one actress wore a gown compared to another. it doesn't matter to me that you have just eaten a brand new cereal and think it tastes great. and i'm still confused why people consistently say, do and write things passivley-aggressivley towards others instead of just telling them how they feel. i get frustrated by people's complaining...God, if people even realized how blessed they are...i get overwhelmed by the world's negativity and the ones who cheer it on, and it upsets me that people can get so upset about where they sit in a restaurant or the fact that their order might be a little messed up. it blows my mind that others can be so jealous, and petty, and selfish, and self-centered on a regular basis...that everything in this world they think is all about them......oh how very deceived they are!!!!!
and more than anything, it breaks my heart that people can see a need and refuse, time and time and time and time again, to do anything about it. for example, last year i started a blanket drive for the homeless in our community...from august to january, i had a sign up next to our time clock at work about it. not ONE person from a building of probably atleast 200 people donated or asked anything about this. (except my sweet friends from my office. thankfully there were many donations from other friends, family, and my church). or take for instance when the tornadoes tore apart our surrounding counties and states. we had a drop off location RIGHT HERE IN BLUE RIDGE for supplies that people were taking to alabama for the victims and their families. it was announced on the radio, in churches, and put on facebook by some peoople, including myself and not one person even responded to it. not one. maybe one person "liked" it...but that means nothing. ACTION MEANS EVERYTHING!!!! it doesn't take a lot of money..even buying a bottle of shampoo would've helped these people!!!
or how about NOW? now, when myself and other colleagues on facebook and through emails and even the newspaper, announce we are collecting backpacks and monetary donations for www.snackinabackpack.org??? ...an amazing organization which stuffs backpacks WEEKLY full of food for HUNGRY CHILDREN IN FANNIN COUNTY!!!! HUNGRY KIDS!!! doesn't that scream something to you????!!!!!!!! but unfortunatley, someone's new haircut gets more reviews, posts, and likes on facebook than something that really and truly matters. so little have even acknowledged this great cause, founded by someone in blue ridge, looking out for the community. yes, people!!! wake up!!! there are still hungry children in america that have homes and go to school!! THERE IS A GREAT NEED TO FILL THE BELLIES AND HEARTS OF THESE KIDS THROUGH FOOD AND THE FACT OF KNOWING SOMEONE ACTUALLY CARES!!!!!!
thank you to the ones who have donated...to the ones who have found this local cause worthy! am i sitting here, writing this, with passion, anger, and tears because i'm tooting my own horn? because i'm better than you? because i'm bragging about my involvement? NO! i am challenging you to look beyond yourself, your pain, your hurt, your own misery, your own little world, your own fleshly and worldly desires, and DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE FOR A CHANGE!!!! give of yourself, your time, your money, your heart, your mercy, compassion, and grace, until there's nothing left!!!!! and i promise you...when you think you've emptied your tank, my Savior, my Father, is always ready to fill you back up again!!!!
www.snackinabackpack.org !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if nothing else, pledge to pray that this organization flourishes and meets the needs of every single hungry child in fannin county! my only desire is to stir you, to challenge you, to realize there's a big sad world beyond your door, and it's begging for someone to make a difference!
and more than anything, it breaks my heart that people can see a need and refuse, time and time and time and time again, to do anything about it. for example, last year i started a blanket drive for the homeless in our community...from august to january, i had a sign up next to our time clock at work about it. not ONE person from a building of probably atleast 200 people donated or asked anything about this. (except my sweet friends from my office. thankfully there were many donations from other friends, family, and my church). or take for instance when the tornadoes tore apart our surrounding counties and states. we had a drop off location RIGHT HERE IN BLUE RIDGE for supplies that people were taking to alabama for the victims and their families. it was announced on the radio, in churches, and put on facebook by some peoople, including myself and not one person even responded to it. not one. maybe one person "liked" it...but that means nothing. ACTION MEANS EVERYTHING!!!! it doesn't take a lot of money..even buying a bottle of shampoo would've helped these people!!!
or how about NOW? now, when myself and other colleagues on facebook and through emails and even the newspaper, announce we are collecting backpacks and monetary donations for www.snackinabackpack.org??? ...an amazing organization which stuffs backpacks WEEKLY full of food for HUNGRY CHILDREN IN FANNIN COUNTY!!!! HUNGRY KIDS!!! doesn't that scream something to you????!!!!!!!! but unfortunatley, someone's new haircut gets more reviews, posts, and likes on facebook than something that really and truly matters. so little have even acknowledged this great cause, founded by someone in blue ridge, looking out for the community. yes, people!!! wake up!!! there are still hungry children in america that have homes and go to school!! THERE IS A GREAT NEED TO FILL THE BELLIES AND HEARTS OF THESE KIDS THROUGH FOOD AND THE FACT OF KNOWING SOMEONE ACTUALLY CARES!!!!!!
thank you to the ones who have donated...to the ones who have found this local cause worthy! am i sitting here, writing this, with passion, anger, and tears because i'm tooting my own horn? because i'm better than you? because i'm bragging about my involvement? NO! i am challenging you to look beyond yourself, your pain, your hurt, your own misery, your own little world, your own fleshly and worldly desires, and DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE FOR A CHANGE!!!! give of yourself, your time, your money, your heart, your mercy, compassion, and grace, until there's nothing left!!!!! and i promise you...when you think you've emptied your tank, my Savior, my Father, is always ready to fill you back up again!!!!
www.snackinabackpack.org !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if nothing else, pledge to pray that this organization flourishes and meets the needs of every single hungry child in fannin county! my only desire is to stir you, to challenge you, to realize there's a big sad world beyond your door, and it's begging for someone to make a difference!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
from november 2010--a love letter to haiti
okay okay , so i've been cheating. first, i copied and pasted someone else's blog on mine, and now i'm copying and pasting my own writing..but from last fall. i went to haiti, to mission of hope. my brother has a desire to also go, and so i thought, for him, and for you, but mainly for me, i will re-visit this time in my life. here it is.. enjoy. :) and i promise..i'll post a new blog SOON. :)
The landing was fast, rough, and exhilarating. There I was, in Port au Prince, Haiti. Exiting the airport I began wondering if we had arrived at the right place. I saw mountains, green lush mountains, and then there was the live music. A live band? In an airport? Had this really been the country that was blind-sided by an earthquake just 10 short months ago? Driving through the city proved that devastation had hit hard. Piles of trash and dirt and concrete gathered at each corner. A mass grave site where bodies were dumped and later bulldozed was just one piece of evidence that sadness had come to live in Haiti. I had prepared myself for tears of sorrow and a canyon full of pity in my heart knowing that I would see these images …but what I saw was so much more. I saw beauty in pain, phoenixes rising out of ashes, people moving on with their lives despite loss. I witnessed laughter, singing, busy market places. I heard a song of humanity that shouted “Tenacity! We will not give up!” And instead of feeling pity for Haiti, I felt pity for me.
Mission of Hope (MOH) did not disappoint. It is nestled in countryside of Titanyen among mountains, flowers, green, and a fantastic view of the Caribbean. It is truly a calm in the midst of a storm. On property I discovered Village of Hope (where the Hope House Orphanage kids will be moving to next week. For every 6 orphans, there will be a “mommy” in their own house to care for them), Clinic of Hope, School of Hope, and the Church of Hope. Our accommodations were humble, meek, and more exquisite than I could’ve asked for. Bunk beds of plywood and thin mattresses proved to be more like summer camp than “roughing it” on the mission field. I was fed well by amazing Haitian cooks that never let us go hungry. We were truly treated with great care. What none of us expected though was a lack of culture shock, a knowledge that while we were on foreign soil, it felt rather like home.
Bear with me as I try to put 8 days of experiences into a matter of sentences (some fragments), as I’m finding it very difficult to write this. How does one use mere words to describe what is so deep inside a heart?
SATURDAY: arrival at MOH (described above)
SUNDAY: Church Day! Free worship, really free worship. We were asked to stand as a lady spoke to us, “This is your home now. You are welcome home anytime.” I cried. Held the baby of a lady whose name was Lydia. Children’s church, then off in the afternoon to MOH’s new property. A land that was given to them by the government of Haiti to build on. Ocean front property with mountains in the distance. Kids coming out of the banana fields from the village. We played games with them, gave them stickers.
MONDAY: Full work day. Painted a concrete fence. Wow, that’s much harder than it seems. Was able to greet many natives as they strolled in and out of the mission walls, either in search of medical care by the Clinic of Hope, or simply getting out for a bit to visit a loved one. Interacted with many students from School of Hope, a girl told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too. I stood in the rain that night. The healing rain of Haiti.
TUESDAY: Village/orphanage day. “River Walk” in a village that morning. There was a bridge, the river, the banana leaves so soft to the touch. Goats and pigs, women doing laundry. A little boy followed us. We arrived in a field of dirt where some boys played soccer. Sang with the village children. A girl named Nadi sat in my lap, she told me “Jezi remen ou” (Jesus loves you). We gave out toy cars for the boys (and some of the older men who enjoyed them just as much) and bracelets for the girls…though most girls wanted the toy cars too. I stood and held a child named Santalynn in my arms. She was dirty and clothed only with an inside out Hanes t-shirt. Walking back to our bus she clung to my hand. “Dear Father, please love her.” “I am, through you.” was the reply I received from Heaven. Oh how I cried at that response….Tuesday afternoon proved to be even more emotional as I walked towards a local orphanage. Good Samaritan orphanage is nothing like its name. It’s a sad place where the kids are barely given enough to get by, despite many donations from MOH and other organizations. I sat under a large tent with a little boy who came running at me, arms open wide. It wasn’t 30 seconds before one of the orphanage’s “mommy” handed off a baby into my already occupied lap. I wept at the limp child that was in my arms. Filthy and obviously blind was a baby girl who was extremely underdeveloped due to severe malnutrition and dehydration. A nearly full set of teeth told me she was at least 1 year old, while her tiny body was the size of an infant. Scarring around her eyes revealed what was probably a herpes eye infection at birth, and probably the source of her vision loss. Had this baby girl just been discarded by Haitian society? It seemed so. I got several different answers when I asked her name, but never got the same answer twice. So I decided the only appropriate name for such a child was “Baby Hope.” I spent 3 hours with Baby Hope that day, praying over her, speaking Scripture and life into her, cleaning her face and picking debris out of her hair. I made her my daughter for those 3 hours, and as she fell asleep in my arms I sang to her “Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong…Yes, Jesus loves you…” that night I attended a 2 hour praise and worship service at the Church of Hope. What peace I had when I looked around and saw hundreds of people praying, worshiping, loving their Savior without distraction, embarrassment, or regret.
WEDNESDSAY: Clinic Day! I shadowed the RN on our team as she performed wound care in the Clinic of Hope. Interacted with many wonderful people, children, and translators. This day was when I realized I must finish nursing school. I’ve got to get on a medical mission team; my heart is seeing the sick be healed. The waiting room for the ER was not one of complaining or whining, but one filled with singing and joy. Our other part of the team went into a village to paint a house for a family who lost their home in the earthquake while others broke ground on several new homes for tent city dwellers.
THURSDAY: Work/Orphanage Day! Painted more in the AM, found out we would be going BACK to Good Samaritan orphanage in the afternoon! Yes! Was so excited to get Baby Hope back in my arms again! Another afternoon of loving on her, kissing her face. Father reminded me that Baby Hope is “the least of these.” Could it be possible that by loving a baby that wasn’t physically lovable, that I was loving my Savior?? I wondered about seeing Baby Hope in Heaven…there she would have sight; she would be healthy and whole. I wondered if she would know me in Heaven. I wondered how soon it would be until she would actually be in Heaven….Thursday night was filled with singing as Reuben, the worship leader at the Church of Hope serenaded us and God with his keyboard and beautiful voice. We sang only 3 songs. One of them was “Shout to the LORD.” I started to cry. I remembered being 17 years old, driving up a cliff on the side of a mountain in a large bus, going to a village in Kenya, Africa… singing these exact same words. “My Comfort, my Shelter, Tower of Refuge and Strength...” God confirmed that this was my own personal mission song. Heard Reuben’s story of the earthquake. He was attending Bible college with 67 students…58 of them died. He told of a young girl who sang “Great is Thy Faithfulness” as she was pinned under concrete, until she finally went Home to be with her Creator.
FRIDAY: Beach Day! The purpose of MOH taking teams to the Caribbean was to show them the beauty of Haiti, what Haiti could be. But to me, I had already seen so much beauty in Haiti that this day was no different. A day of reflection on the shore. What more can I say about a day with sand, water, and God’s ever constant presence? That night I stared at the Haitian sky one more time, taking in all of the twinkling stars. If I could’ve taken one of those stars home with me in my suitcase, I would’ve.
SATURDAY: Goodbye to MOH. I was amazingly strong leaving the place, and it wasn’t until Pastor Lee pointed out John 3:16 painted on a bus that I started to feel the pain of departing. “For God so loved the WORLD, that He have His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” God loves Haiti. He created the beauty there. His presence was there. When our plane took off, I felt completeness. Wholeness. Whatever I was originally called there to do, I did it. Whatever it was, mission accomplished. Was it Baby Hope? Was it hugging the elderly in the Clinic of Hope? Was it painting a concrete fence? I don’t know. But yes, the peace inside of me tells me: mission accomplished.
Please don’t ever forget that we have mission fields right here among us. In our families, in our workplaces, in our own backyards. In local homeless shelters, crisis centers, orphanages, nursing homes, our own churches…these are places that we can all be missionaries. But we also must remember, as my dear friend, Hollye reminded me, God pays no attention to borders. He LOVED THE WHOLE WORLD AND GAVE HIS SON FOR US ALL, not just Americans. His Salvation and Healing knows NO borders. And His love knows no bounds. Blessings, peace, and thanks to all who prayed for me and supported me.
The landing was fast, rough, and exhilarating. There I was, in Port au Prince, Haiti. Exiting the airport I began wondering if we had arrived at the right place. I saw mountains, green lush mountains, and then there was the live music. A live band? In an airport? Had this really been the country that was blind-sided by an earthquake just 10 short months ago? Driving through the city proved that devastation had hit hard. Piles of trash and dirt and concrete gathered at each corner. A mass grave site where bodies were dumped and later bulldozed was just one piece of evidence that sadness had come to live in Haiti. I had prepared myself for tears of sorrow and a canyon full of pity in my heart knowing that I would see these images …but what I saw was so much more. I saw beauty in pain, phoenixes rising out of ashes, people moving on with their lives despite loss. I witnessed laughter, singing, busy market places. I heard a song of humanity that shouted “Tenacity! We will not give up!” And instead of feeling pity for Haiti, I felt pity for me.
Mission of Hope (MOH) did not disappoint. It is nestled in countryside of Titanyen among mountains, flowers, green, and a fantastic view of the Caribbean. It is truly a calm in the midst of a storm. On property I discovered Village of Hope (where the Hope House Orphanage kids will be moving to next week. For every 6 orphans, there will be a “mommy” in their own house to care for them), Clinic of Hope, School of Hope, and the Church of Hope. Our accommodations were humble, meek, and more exquisite than I could’ve asked for. Bunk beds of plywood and thin mattresses proved to be more like summer camp than “roughing it” on the mission field. I was fed well by amazing Haitian cooks that never let us go hungry. We were truly treated with great care. What none of us expected though was a lack of culture shock, a knowledge that while we were on foreign soil, it felt rather like home.
Bear with me as I try to put 8 days of experiences into a matter of sentences (some fragments), as I’m finding it very difficult to write this. How does one use mere words to describe what is so deep inside a heart?
SATURDAY: arrival at MOH (described above)
SUNDAY: Church Day! Free worship, really free worship. We were asked to stand as a lady spoke to us, “This is your home now. You are welcome home anytime.” I cried. Held the baby of a lady whose name was Lydia. Children’s church, then off in the afternoon to MOH’s new property. A land that was given to them by the government of Haiti to build on. Ocean front property with mountains in the distance. Kids coming out of the banana fields from the village. We played games with them, gave them stickers.
MONDAY: Full work day. Painted a concrete fence. Wow, that’s much harder than it seems. Was able to greet many natives as they strolled in and out of the mission walls, either in search of medical care by the Clinic of Hope, or simply getting out for a bit to visit a loved one. Interacted with many students from School of Hope, a girl told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too. I stood in the rain that night. The healing rain of Haiti.
TUESDAY: Village/orphanage day. “River Walk” in a village that morning. There was a bridge, the river, the banana leaves so soft to the touch. Goats and pigs, women doing laundry. A little boy followed us. We arrived in a field of dirt where some boys played soccer. Sang with the village children. A girl named Nadi sat in my lap, she told me “Jezi remen ou” (Jesus loves you). We gave out toy cars for the boys (and some of the older men who enjoyed them just as much) and bracelets for the girls…though most girls wanted the toy cars too. I stood and held a child named Santalynn in my arms. She was dirty and clothed only with an inside out Hanes t-shirt. Walking back to our bus she clung to my hand. “Dear Father, please love her.” “I am, through you.” was the reply I received from Heaven. Oh how I cried at that response….Tuesday afternoon proved to be even more emotional as I walked towards a local orphanage. Good Samaritan orphanage is nothing like its name. It’s a sad place where the kids are barely given enough to get by, despite many donations from MOH and other organizations. I sat under a large tent with a little boy who came running at me, arms open wide. It wasn’t 30 seconds before one of the orphanage’s “mommy” handed off a baby into my already occupied lap. I wept at the limp child that was in my arms. Filthy and obviously blind was a baby girl who was extremely underdeveloped due to severe malnutrition and dehydration. A nearly full set of teeth told me she was at least 1 year old, while her tiny body was the size of an infant. Scarring around her eyes revealed what was probably a herpes eye infection at birth, and probably the source of her vision loss. Had this baby girl just been discarded by Haitian society? It seemed so. I got several different answers when I asked her name, but never got the same answer twice. So I decided the only appropriate name for such a child was “Baby Hope.” I spent 3 hours with Baby Hope that day, praying over her, speaking Scripture and life into her, cleaning her face and picking debris out of her hair. I made her my daughter for those 3 hours, and as she fell asleep in my arms I sang to her “Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong…Yes, Jesus loves you…” that night I attended a 2 hour praise and worship service at the Church of Hope. What peace I had when I looked around and saw hundreds of people praying, worshiping, loving their Savior without distraction, embarrassment, or regret.
WEDNESDSAY: Clinic Day! I shadowed the RN on our team as she performed wound care in the Clinic of Hope. Interacted with many wonderful people, children, and translators. This day was when I realized I must finish nursing school. I’ve got to get on a medical mission team; my heart is seeing the sick be healed. The waiting room for the ER was not one of complaining or whining, but one filled with singing and joy. Our other part of the team went into a village to paint a house for a family who lost their home in the earthquake while others broke ground on several new homes for tent city dwellers.
THURSDAY: Work/Orphanage Day! Painted more in the AM, found out we would be going BACK to Good Samaritan orphanage in the afternoon! Yes! Was so excited to get Baby Hope back in my arms again! Another afternoon of loving on her, kissing her face. Father reminded me that Baby Hope is “the least of these.” Could it be possible that by loving a baby that wasn’t physically lovable, that I was loving my Savior?? I wondered about seeing Baby Hope in Heaven…there she would have sight; she would be healthy and whole. I wondered if she would know me in Heaven. I wondered how soon it would be until she would actually be in Heaven….Thursday night was filled with singing as Reuben, the worship leader at the Church of Hope serenaded us and God with his keyboard and beautiful voice. We sang only 3 songs. One of them was “Shout to the LORD.” I started to cry. I remembered being 17 years old, driving up a cliff on the side of a mountain in a large bus, going to a village in Kenya, Africa… singing these exact same words. “My Comfort, my Shelter, Tower of Refuge and Strength...” God confirmed that this was my own personal mission song. Heard Reuben’s story of the earthquake. He was attending Bible college with 67 students…58 of them died. He told of a young girl who sang “Great is Thy Faithfulness” as she was pinned under concrete, until she finally went Home to be with her Creator.
FRIDAY: Beach Day! The purpose of MOH taking teams to the Caribbean was to show them the beauty of Haiti, what Haiti could be. But to me, I had already seen so much beauty in Haiti that this day was no different. A day of reflection on the shore. What more can I say about a day with sand, water, and God’s ever constant presence? That night I stared at the Haitian sky one more time, taking in all of the twinkling stars. If I could’ve taken one of those stars home with me in my suitcase, I would’ve.
SATURDAY: Goodbye to MOH. I was amazingly strong leaving the place, and it wasn’t until Pastor Lee pointed out John 3:16 painted on a bus that I started to feel the pain of departing. “For God so loved the WORLD, that He have His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” God loves Haiti. He created the beauty there. His presence was there. When our plane took off, I felt completeness. Wholeness. Whatever I was originally called there to do, I did it. Whatever it was, mission accomplished. Was it Baby Hope? Was it hugging the elderly in the Clinic of Hope? Was it painting a concrete fence? I don’t know. But yes, the peace inside of me tells me: mission accomplished.
Please don’t ever forget that we have mission fields right here among us. In our families, in our workplaces, in our own backyards. In local homeless shelters, crisis centers, orphanages, nursing homes, our own churches…these are places that we can all be missionaries. But we also must remember, as my dear friend, Hollye reminded me, God pays no attention to borders. He LOVED THE WHOLE WORLD AND GAVE HIS SON FOR US ALL, not just Americans. His Salvation and Healing knows NO borders. And His love knows no bounds. Blessings, peace, and thanks to all who prayed for me and supported me.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
a stolen blog--from "Christ for all nations"
-please note this was copied and pasted from my email...something to think about..always pray for the nations, to know the Truth and to be free-
What Are You Waiting For?
Matthew 24:14 (NKJV), Matthew 28:19 (NKJV), Hebrews 10:12-13 (NKJV)
I heard a minister recently talking about the rapture and trying to make the point that every prophecy necessary to the return of Christ has already been fulfilled. One of his points was that the Gospel has already been preached in all the world according to the promise of Jesus in Matt 24:14 (And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.) “Now,” he said, “We’re just waiting for Jesus to come back.”
If you are one of those standing in line waiting for the rapture like a ride at Disney World, consider these statistics on world evangelism that I have collected from a variety of sources. As you read these, keep in mind, that in the United States there is 1 ordained minister for every 200 people. Yet…
- For every million unreached Muslims there are less than 3 missionaries.
- In Afghanistan there are 17 million people, 48,000 mosques…but not a single church.
- In Turkey there are 44 million people, but less then 200 Christians.
- In India alone 500 million people have yet to hear the Gospel.
- 30% of the world’s population (more than 2 billion people) have had virtually no exposure to the Gospel.
- The New Testament has been translated into the mother tongue of over 80% of the world’s population. However the remaining approximately 20%, will require over 5,500 new translations.
- There are an estimated 6,700 unreached or nearly unreached people groups.
- The countries with the most unreached people groups in descending order; India, China, Pakistan, Nepal, Bangladesh.
- 98% of all unreached people groups are located in the “10/40 Window."
Here’s some food for thought; Jesus died more then 2,000 years ago. If it was God’s ultimate goal to rapture us all out of this “old god-forsaken world,” then why are we still here? What are we still waiting for? One person told me, “Jesus is building my mansion in Heaven.” Really? It took Him 6 days to create the entire cosmos, yet He’s been hung up with your “mansion” for 2,000 years? Not likely.
Heb. 10:12, 13 says, “but He, having offered one sacrifice for sins for all time, SAT DOWN AT THE RIGHT HAND OF GOD, waiting from that time onward UNTIL HIS ENEMIES BE MADE A FOOTSTOOL FOR HIS FEET.” Since we are His hands and feet, then He must be waiting for…us. If He is waiting for us, and we are waiting for Him, it would seem we are at an impasse. This is why Jesus told His disciples, “GO” into all the world and preach the Gospel. No more waiting and debating…just Go and PREACH.
“In the vast plain to the north I have sometimes seen, in the morning sun, the smoke of a thousand villages where no missionary has ever been” — Robert Moffat.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
this week in reas news...relocation
our family has relocated this week, into a real life log cabin. as beautiful as it is, as peaceful as the views are, as lovely as the song of birds through the windows sound, it's still not "home." i know it's only been 6 days, but i still feel so displaced. like a fish out of water, flopping around on the floor of a boat, gasping for air and pleading with its catcher to throw it back into the sea...that's how i feel. i'm homesick, not necessarily for my old house, but for the feeling of comfort and home. and then i realize how terribly selfish and ungrateful that sounds.
sure, my "feelings" are validated simply because they are mine. but i have to take responsibility for any feeling that goes against the truth. what is truth? the great pontious pilate that ultimatley sentenced the Savior of the world to death asked this same question..."what is truth?" as a side note..this is why i have a tattoo with the word "truth," to remind myself of pilate's question and what that answer was... let's see, the truth, as my house is concerned, is this:
-this place is a direct blessing from my Creator and GOD, He purposefully chose this place for us and blessed us with it
-who am i to grumble about feeling displaced when right now, thousands, maybe millions world-wide have literally been displaced as a result of genocide, tornadoes, hurricanes, war, hunger, poverty, tsunamis....earthquakes, like in haiti?
-and while some people have tents to live in, some have nothing to live in. no type of covering over their head in the rain, the cold, the heat. some are homeless and would give their right arm to be where i am
so that's the truth. no matter what my feelings say to me, the above is truth and no feeling or thought of mine is going to stand up against any of the truths i've listed. so for now, when i start to feel "home"-sick, i'll remember my real home is with my Savior. He is my shelter from the storm, my refuge to run to, my permanent home where i will never feel displaced. He is my home, and that home resides within me, no matter what roof is or isn't over my head.
sure, my "feelings" are validated simply because they are mine. but i have to take responsibility for any feeling that goes against the truth. what is truth? the great pontious pilate that ultimatley sentenced the Savior of the world to death asked this same question..."what is truth?" as a side note..this is why i have a tattoo with the word "truth," to remind myself of pilate's question and what that answer was... let's see, the truth, as my house is concerned, is this:
-this place is a direct blessing from my Creator and GOD, He purposefully chose this place for us and blessed us with it
-who am i to grumble about feeling displaced when right now, thousands, maybe millions world-wide have literally been displaced as a result of genocide, tornadoes, hurricanes, war, hunger, poverty, tsunamis....earthquakes, like in haiti?
-and while some people have tents to live in, some have nothing to live in. no type of covering over their head in the rain, the cold, the heat. some are homeless and would give their right arm to be where i am
so that's the truth. no matter what my feelings say to me, the above is truth and no feeling or thought of mine is going to stand up against any of the truths i've listed. so for now, when i start to feel "home"-sick, i'll remember my real home is with my Savior. He is my shelter from the storm, my refuge to run to, my permanent home where i will never feel displaced. He is my home, and that home resides within me, no matter what roof is or isn't over my head.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
look in the mirror and say this......
hey! YOU! yeah, you..the one who is reading this because you followed my link from facebook, or you may be one of the ones worldwide that reads this (yup, i know..i check my stats...i see you,"Germany") and YOU, friend of mine who keeps up with my writings. yes, i'm speaking to you, to me, to your neighbor, to your boss, to my neighbor, to my boss....
did you know, you have value? you have worth simply because you are....merely because you breathe. that places value on you. it doesn't matter what you LOOK like, the clothes you have, the job/car/spouse/house you have. it doesn't matter if you do a million good things or just one....it doesn't matter if you're in prison for the filthiest crime imaginable...you have value and worth. not value that the world gives, but value from a Creator who adored His creation so much that He gave His only Son in death, and in life, for YOU. for ME. OUR CREATOR GOD SEES VALUE IN WHO WE AAAARRRRREEEEE. not what we do, what we don't do....our efforts to Him to be "good" are as "filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6).
for me personally, it's doesn't and shouldn't matter if i don't receive the love and approval of the ones i need it most from...because i've already been approved of. i already have worth. there's a Father in heaven that is so much more important than anyone's opinion on me. i have value simply because i am a creation of GOD Almighty!!!!! i was born, not able to do great things as a baby....and yet, my parents found worth in me just because i was. the same with my girls...before they could even tell me they loved me, or even knew who i was...they mattered and had immense priceless value to me!!! AND THE SAME WITH OUR SAVIOR!!! before we even knew He loved us, before we even knew Him....He thought us to be worthy of His love and of His Son. oh how stinking unworthy are we that He should love us so....but in His mind, we are worthy....we are valuable...we do matter!!!!
so to you, reader of mine....look in the mirror. say to yourself "i matter. i'm important. i'm valuable. i'm full of worth. simply because i'm me." and then, go out into in the world and make a difference, just by being your valuable self.
"For GOD so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16
did you know, you have value? you have worth simply because you are....merely because you breathe. that places value on you. it doesn't matter what you LOOK like, the clothes you have, the job/car/spouse/house you have. it doesn't matter if you do a million good things or just one....it doesn't matter if you're in prison for the filthiest crime imaginable...you have value and worth. not value that the world gives, but value from a Creator who adored His creation so much that He gave His only Son in death, and in life, for YOU. for ME. OUR CREATOR GOD SEES VALUE IN WHO WE AAAARRRRREEEEE. not what we do, what we don't do....our efforts to Him to be "good" are as "filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6).
for me personally, it's doesn't and shouldn't matter if i don't receive the love and approval of the ones i need it most from...because i've already been approved of. i already have worth. there's a Father in heaven that is so much more important than anyone's opinion on me. i have value simply because i am a creation of GOD Almighty!!!!! i was born, not able to do great things as a baby....and yet, my parents found worth in me just because i was. the same with my girls...before they could even tell me they loved me, or even knew who i was...they mattered and had immense priceless value to me!!! AND THE SAME WITH OUR SAVIOR!!! before we even knew He loved us, before we even knew Him....He thought us to be worthy of His love and of His Son. oh how stinking unworthy are we that He should love us so....but in His mind, we are worthy....we are valuable...we do matter!!!!
so to you, reader of mine....look in the mirror. say to yourself "i matter. i'm important. i'm valuable. i'm full of worth. simply because i'm me." and then, go out into in the world and make a difference, just by being your valuable self.
"For GOD so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16
Saturday, May 28, 2011
my cup runneth over---being 30 may not suck after all...
last night one particular phrase kept running through my mind..."my cup runneth over." "My Cup Runneth Over" is a quotation from the Hebrew Bible (Psalm 23:5) and means "I have more than enough for my needs." my cup truly runs over daily..between the food in my stomach, the clothes on my back, the air in my lungs, a Savior in my heart, and the roof over my head...i would say my Heavenly Father has blessed me above and beyond!!! but last night, i kept hearing that phrase in my heart..."my cup runneth over, my cup runneth over."
you see, i'll be 30 on tuesday. and for some reason unbeknownst to me, my Creator and Abba Father loves me so much, that He has orchestrated a most perfect celebration for His beloved (that's me!) the party started about a week ago when my brother came into town, one of my most favorite people on the face of the planet. not only did we have a great time together, but he brought me a gift from my sisters and himself..they had all gone in together to buy me an Amazon Kindle. if you know me, you know i'm a book-worm at heart...this present brought tears to my eyes. i know that each one of my siblings were hand-picked especially for me!! ALL of them are so dear to my soul!!
THEN, i was blessed last weekend by being able to go to miami with my best friend on a work trip. i stayed in the nicest hotel i'd ever seen, ate amazing food, and bff and i took a taxi and went to south beach to swim in the beautiful ocean and eat yummy cuban food!!! (i mean, the timing of all of this is just amazing)
and then, last night..when my cup runneth over.....my closest girl friends surprised me with a 30th birthday bash at an extremley nice restaurant (tip to all, ASK how much the special is before you order it and have someone else pay for it). david, my sister deanna, and my friends all went in and planned this shin-dig!!! when hubby took me to this restaurant, i had no idea that a table full of amazing women, flowers, gifts, and smiles would be awaiting me! we sang, danced, laughed, (i) made a fool of myself :)....and later into the evening when i looked around the table i felt it. when my cup started not only running over, but flooding my entire soul with love and gratefulness for these precious women that i have been blessed with. each so beautiful and special in their own God-given way. there were new and old friends alike, but all just sat there..holding a piece of my heart with the sweetest grace and acceptance i'd ever witnessed. here i was, weeks ago, being depressed about (not turning) being 30. but why? when i have all of these people? when i have all of this love?
AND if all that wasn't enough!!! .... my sister debbie and her sweet little family are coming today for the weekend on a last minute trip....WOW!!! i can't wait to see what the rest of the weekend has in store for me!
waking up this morning, and walking into a kitchen with balloons and flowers from last night, and all of my gifts carefully placed on the counter, i felt it again. my cup runneth over...and this being 30 thing might not suck after all.
you see, i'll be 30 on tuesday. and for some reason unbeknownst to me, my Creator and Abba Father loves me so much, that He has orchestrated a most perfect celebration for His beloved (that's me!) the party started about a week ago when my brother came into town, one of my most favorite people on the face of the planet. not only did we have a great time together, but he brought me a gift from my sisters and himself..they had all gone in together to buy me an Amazon Kindle. if you know me, you know i'm a book-worm at heart...this present brought tears to my eyes. i know that each one of my siblings were hand-picked especially for me!! ALL of them are so dear to my soul!!
THEN, i was blessed last weekend by being able to go to miami with my best friend on a work trip. i stayed in the nicest hotel i'd ever seen, ate amazing food, and bff and i took a taxi and went to south beach to swim in the beautiful ocean and eat yummy cuban food!!! (i mean, the timing of all of this is just amazing)
and then, last night..when my cup runneth over.....my closest girl friends surprised me with a 30th birthday bash at an extremley nice restaurant (tip to all, ASK how much the special is before you order it and have someone else pay for it). david, my sister deanna, and my friends all went in and planned this shin-dig!!! when hubby took me to this restaurant, i had no idea that a table full of amazing women, flowers, gifts, and smiles would be awaiting me! we sang, danced, laughed, (i) made a fool of myself :)....and later into the evening when i looked around the table i felt it. when my cup started not only running over, but flooding my entire soul with love and gratefulness for these precious women that i have been blessed with. each so beautiful and special in their own God-given way. there were new and old friends alike, but all just sat there..holding a piece of my heart with the sweetest grace and acceptance i'd ever witnessed. here i was, weeks ago, being depressed about (not turning) being 30. but why? when i have all of these people? when i have all of this love?
AND if all that wasn't enough!!! .... my sister debbie and her sweet little family are coming today for the weekend on a last minute trip....WOW!!! i can't wait to see what the rest of the weekend has in store for me!
waking up this morning, and walking into a kitchen with balloons and flowers from last night, and all of my gifts carefully placed on the counter, i felt it again. my cup runneth over...and this being 30 thing might not suck after all.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
"GOD, baptize me in the criticism of man, to free me from the approval of man."
what happens when you don't get what you want from others? when they with-hold love, affection, approval, kindness from you...it hurts, yes? it hurts me. but thankfully, i'm being freed, being weened and eventually will be cut-off from an addiction so consuming, it has become an ever-present best friend and worst enemy; approval addiction.
it started when i was very young, but it wasn't until 2 years ago when i stepped out of the light of denial into the world of truth. my husband brought me home a book he found that day called "Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone" by Joyce Meyer. i laughed hysterically because we have never had that conversation, you know, the one where i live in a state of constant martyrdom in order that i please everyone else and strive to make myself appear perfect for the sake of others. i was also crying on the inside for the very same reason. david saw. he knew. he never said a word, but how it must have made his heart ache to see his wife in daily turmoil for years, just to make everyone else happy and to be the person she thought they needed her to be. i don't think i actually ever knew what *that* was, not until i saw it staring at me in black and white. "it" finally had a name, and i wasn't ready to face it.
my mind had raced for years, an inner dialogue with myself that went something like this: am i pretty enough? smart enough, funny, skinny, spiritual, sensitive, nice, happy enough? what if i'm not? what if others don't like me? if i become like her, people will like me! if i spend hours investing in other people's lives, others will think i'm so good and sweet! if that person compliments me, it will make my whole day..what if they don't? what if i don't get what i need from her? from him? i hate myself. i'm not any good..that person doesn't treat me like i want to be treated and it hurts. something is wrong with me. if i just sacrifice all i have, then they will see how great i am. if everyone loves me, then i'll be okay. if this person notices me today, i'll be happy. i hate myself, it's not fair that i'm me. i know i'm my Father's creation, and that to Him i'm enough..but what about her? what about him? do my kids like me? what if the blogs i write make people upset? what if i tell someone no? will they be mad? what if the way i act displeases God? i must act better! if i'm bad, i hate myself...i have no good in me, i'm totally rotten and everyone must think i'm terrible until..wait..another compliment! okay, i'm good again!! and on and on and on and on.
as i just wrote that, the pure honest words of my very pitiful heart, i cried. not because i feel sorry for myself, but because i know so many others like this. and they don't see...that THIS IS THE ENEMY! THESE ARE SATAN'S LIES!!!! WE MUST BE FREE FROM THE PARALIZING PAIN FROM THOUGHTS AND WORDS, AND ACTIONS OF OTHERS THAT HURT US!! even the ones that make us feel good..we must not become so dependant upon the feelings of others' approval of us! i am "fearfully and wonderfully made"(Psalm 139).....my Abba Father created me perfectly. i need no one's love, i need no one's approval...if all were stripped away, and all i had was the love of a Creator that gave His Son for ME, that is enough. HE IS ENOUGH! HIS THOUGHTS OF ME ARE ENOUGH!!!! NO MAN OR WOMAN CAN GIVE ME THE LOVE THAT HE DOES, NOR THE APPROVAL....NO MATTER HOW I ACT!!! He is gracious, and wants us to be free in Him!!!
He is showing me how to be free...to GIVE love, acceptance, approval TO others. not focus on GETTING these things...but to give and allow His love inside of me to overflow and bubble up on those around me. this "rehab program" that He's taking me through is HARD. sometimes i get little to nothing from the people i need it from the most. but that's not the point. the point is to set me free, not them, and though sometimes the love i give is through gritted teeth and a humble heart, i know His ways are best. and the way i was living was a most painful prison.
it started when i was very young, but it wasn't until 2 years ago when i stepped out of the light of denial into the world of truth. my husband brought me home a book he found that day called "Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone" by Joyce Meyer. i laughed hysterically because we have never had that conversation, you know, the one where i live in a state of constant martyrdom in order that i please everyone else and strive to make myself appear perfect for the sake of others. i was also crying on the inside for the very same reason. david saw. he knew. he never said a word, but how it must have made his heart ache to see his wife in daily turmoil for years, just to make everyone else happy and to be the person she thought they needed her to be. i don't think i actually ever knew what *that* was, not until i saw it staring at me in black and white. "it" finally had a name, and i wasn't ready to face it.
my mind had raced for years, an inner dialogue with myself that went something like this: am i pretty enough? smart enough, funny, skinny, spiritual, sensitive, nice, happy enough? what if i'm not? what if others don't like me? if i become like her, people will like me! if i spend hours investing in other people's lives, others will think i'm so good and sweet! if that person compliments me, it will make my whole day..what if they don't? what if i don't get what i need from her? from him? i hate myself. i'm not any good..that person doesn't treat me like i want to be treated and it hurts. something is wrong with me. if i just sacrifice all i have, then they will see how great i am. if everyone loves me, then i'll be okay. if this person notices me today, i'll be happy. i hate myself, it's not fair that i'm me. i know i'm my Father's creation, and that to Him i'm enough..but what about her? what about him? do my kids like me? what if the blogs i write make people upset? what if i tell someone no? will they be mad? what if the way i act displeases God? i must act better! if i'm bad, i hate myself...i have no good in me, i'm totally rotten and everyone must think i'm terrible until..wait..another compliment! okay, i'm good again!! and on and on and on and on.
as i just wrote that, the pure honest words of my very pitiful heart, i cried. not because i feel sorry for myself, but because i know so many others like this. and they don't see...that THIS IS THE ENEMY! THESE ARE SATAN'S LIES!!!! WE MUST BE FREE FROM THE PARALIZING PAIN FROM THOUGHTS AND WORDS, AND ACTIONS OF OTHERS THAT HURT US!! even the ones that make us feel good..we must not become so dependant upon the feelings of others' approval of us! i am "fearfully and wonderfully made"(Psalm 139).....my Abba Father created me perfectly. i need no one's love, i need no one's approval...if all were stripped away, and all i had was the love of a Creator that gave His Son for ME, that is enough. HE IS ENOUGH! HIS THOUGHTS OF ME ARE ENOUGH!!!! NO MAN OR WOMAN CAN GIVE ME THE LOVE THAT HE DOES, NOR THE APPROVAL....NO MATTER HOW I ACT!!! He is gracious, and wants us to be free in Him!!!
He is showing me how to be free...to GIVE love, acceptance, approval TO others. not focus on GETTING these things...but to give and allow His love inside of me to overflow and bubble up on those around me. this "rehab program" that He's taking me through is HARD. sometimes i get little to nothing from the people i need it from the most. but that's not the point. the point is to set me free, not them, and though sometimes the love i give is through gritted teeth and a humble heart, i know His ways are best. and the way i was living was a most painful prison.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
hopefulness? or hopelessness?
i love that feeling i get when the sky is full of gray clouds, and then i catch a glimpse of patchy blue showing its face from behind the veil of darkness. it's the same feeling i get when i see david's first smile or hear him say a kind word to me after a fight. it happens after a repentant prayer, crying out for His mercy. it's called hope. and nothing can match it, and nothing can beat it, and there's nothing like it. without hope, life is a torture chamber for prisoners of war.
have you ever met someone stripped down to naked hopelessness? have you ever looked into the eyes of someone in so much pain that they felt it would be more beneficial to die than to take another breath of air? or someone that has given up with no intention on doing anything but go through the motions of life? they've lost their hope.
have you met the one who, despite trial and tribulation, finds something to smile about? no matter what this life does to them, they just keep fighting, keeping their head up...they have hope.
which are you?
have you ever met someone stripped down to naked hopelessness? have you ever looked into the eyes of someone in so much pain that they felt it would be more beneficial to die than to take another breath of air? or someone that has given up with no intention on doing anything but go through the motions of life? they've lost their hope.
have you met the one who, despite trial and tribulation, finds something to smile about? no matter what this life does to them, they just keep fighting, keeping their head up...they have hope.
which are you?
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in GOD; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my GOD.—Psalm 42:11
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in GOD; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my GOD.—Psalm 42:11
For you, O LORD, are my hope,
my trust, O LORD, from my youth.
my trust, O LORD, from my youth.
May the GOD of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
the resurrection of the dead
i have written about this in pieces for the past year. it's a subject that so many can relate to, a topic that hits home more than we'd like to admit. but maybe this blog won't be about this particular event in my life, maybe it will be about resurrection of the dead. because what can be more lifeless than a dead marriage and what can give us more hope than a resurrection of that relationship?
david left me in 2007 for about a month. i thought my heart, my guts, my very lungs were being sucked out of my body. it was truly the darkest time in my life, i was positive i would never live to smile again. you see back then, i had made david my god, my idol...and instead of putting my Savior first in my life (refer to the first commandment, "thou shalt NOT put any god before Me"), He very mercifully, removed david from me. i have no doubt that the pain i felt in '07 was a direct result of the mercy of my Father, because yes, it was the most painful time of my life, but i had never had to depend on my GOD like that before. i had never needed Him to literally breathe in me because i couldn't breathe myself. and in the darkness, there was so much peace, there was so much of His presence surrounding me, giving me strength that i balked at because i thought, "no, that's not me. i'm not that strong." and yet, His strength was made perfect in my weakness. david and i did reconcile (obviously), but i had come out the other side stronger, closer to my Creator, a brand new thing had happened in me and i had no idea at the time how i would be able to minister and help others in the months and years to come that were going through the exact same thing.
fast forward to spring 2010. i couldn't do it any more. be married to this man, our rough times were not behind us, but growing ever larger with every passing day. i couldn't do it. to carry on in my marriage would mean emotional and mental suicide. so i left. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my entire life, to take our two daughters and move out. it was also the best thing i could've ever done for david. no, i wasn't perfect in our marriage, but there were things i refused to live with any longer..and once i was gone, david was left with no one but himself, forced to look long and hard in a mirror of self-reflection.
2 days after i left, i passed david on the road. he was driving so fast, and i remember texting him to "slow down PLEASE." he never responded and i went about my friday night, going to my best friend's house and eating dinner. next thing i know he texts me and says we needed to talk, and that he was pulling in the driveway. gripped with fear of the unknown, i walked outside and into his truck. i told jill and alicia, "if i'm not back in 10 minutes, come get me." what happened next was the very last thing i could have ever expected.
you see, for many years i prayed for david's salvation. for his turning towards the Light. i knew that if he did, my life would be so much better and easier to handle. how selfish were those prayers. of course i didn't want him going to hell, because i do most certainly believe that our Messiah is the Way, the Truth, the Life and the ONLY way to the Father is through Him. there were countless tears shed, too many notes in my Bible to count regarding my prayers for david, and many prayer requests given for him. there were fists pointed towards heaven begging GOD, pleading with Him to please get through to my husband. i remember one Easter sunday when david came to see a play at our church, and during the invitation/altar call i went back stage and hid in a room; i fell to my knees and with my face on the floor i begged for david to turn his life over ..there was a large puddle of tear drops underneath my face. everytime i pass that room at church now, the gratefulness i feel...but wait..i haven't gotten there yet.....
staring at david's tear-stained face shocked me. i knew he had been devastated over the loss of his family, but to see him broken like that put a knife in my heart. i stayed hard though, in that truck, showing him i was still making the right decision and no matter what he had to say, i wasn't gonna come back home, no matter what. he started telling me of his night, when he passed me on the road he was going to renny's house (the pastor at my church), just for someone to talk to. nothing more, nothing less. and in those moments of sadness, confusion, clarity, and hope in pastor renny's office, my husband surrendered himself to salvation giving him a new life with a new Master and a new vision. he kept saying he wasn't in control anymore. that he never was, that he finally had peace now and no matter what happened with us, while he desperatley wanted us to come back home, he had peace, and he was going to be okay. i sat there, numb. i had this insane notion that if david was saved, it would be in some grandiose gesture at church, flinging himself on the altar while a legion of angels would be singing "Hallelujah" in the choir loft......oh, but i know those angels were singing in heaven over my david just the same... i didn't know how to respond. even my "wow, that's amazing" sounded hollow and insincere. it was may 14, 2010.
2 weeks after that i moved back home. the past year has been a brand new marriage, and i have a brand new husband. things are not perfect and romantic and amazing all the time. we struggle, we fight, we distance each other...but this time, we get back up. no more pain of the past, because after all, it is the past. and what was in the past is no more.
the Word eludes to the fact that our marriage on earth is to be a direct reflection of our relationship with our Savior. that a marriage is the single most important relationship we can ever have. it's meant to be the most fulfilling, the most cherished, the most nurtured relationship to ever be held in our grasp. so many of us, including me, look to see what we can GET in our marriage...when we should be focused on what we can GIVE in our marriage. i don't know your situation, but i'm here to tell you to never give up. sometimes we must let go, but we never give up. GOD can resurrect your dead marriage..He can give hope to the infertile, He can breathe life into the depressed. My Savior offers rest to the weary, compassion to the broken...HE RESURRECTS WHAT WE THINK IS DEAD, AND IMPOSSIBLE, AND HOPELESS. please have hope. please don't give up. please know that the One who created you, can create a new thing in you. He is more powerful, more worthy, more wonderful than you can ever grasp. and He still resurrects that which is dead.
Side note: this of course isn't all the story..there's so many secret things that my GOD did behind the scenes that i now see in hindsight to soften david's heart, and to soften mine. there's so much more than what is written here, and if you have any questions or just want to talk, let me know. i would love to share with you more, i would love in return to hear your story. He resurrects, He resurrects, He resurrects.....
david left me in 2007 for about a month. i thought my heart, my guts, my very lungs were being sucked out of my body. it was truly the darkest time in my life, i was positive i would never live to smile again. you see back then, i had made david my god, my idol...and instead of putting my Savior first in my life (refer to the first commandment, "thou shalt NOT put any god before Me"), He very mercifully, removed david from me. i have no doubt that the pain i felt in '07 was a direct result of the mercy of my Father, because yes, it was the most painful time of my life, but i had never had to depend on my GOD like that before. i had never needed Him to literally breathe in me because i couldn't breathe myself. and in the darkness, there was so much peace, there was so much of His presence surrounding me, giving me strength that i balked at because i thought, "no, that's not me. i'm not that strong." and yet, His strength was made perfect in my weakness. david and i did reconcile (obviously), but i had come out the other side stronger, closer to my Creator, a brand new thing had happened in me and i had no idea at the time how i would be able to minister and help others in the months and years to come that were going through the exact same thing.
fast forward to spring 2010. i couldn't do it any more. be married to this man, our rough times were not behind us, but growing ever larger with every passing day. i couldn't do it. to carry on in my marriage would mean emotional and mental suicide. so i left. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my entire life, to take our two daughters and move out. it was also the best thing i could've ever done for david. no, i wasn't perfect in our marriage, but there were things i refused to live with any longer..and once i was gone, david was left with no one but himself, forced to look long and hard in a mirror of self-reflection.
2 days after i left, i passed david on the road. he was driving so fast, and i remember texting him to "slow down PLEASE." he never responded and i went about my friday night, going to my best friend's house and eating dinner. next thing i know he texts me and says we needed to talk, and that he was pulling in the driveway. gripped with fear of the unknown, i walked outside and into his truck. i told jill and alicia, "if i'm not back in 10 minutes, come get me." what happened next was the very last thing i could have ever expected.
you see, for many years i prayed for david's salvation. for his turning towards the Light. i knew that if he did, my life would be so much better and easier to handle. how selfish were those prayers. of course i didn't want him going to hell, because i do most certainly believe that our Messiah is the Way, the Truth, the Life and the ONLY way to the Father is through Him. there were countless tears shed, too many notes in my Bible to count regarding my prayers for david, and many prayer requests given for him. there were fists pointed towards heaven begging GOD, pleading with Him to please get through to my husband. i remember one Easter sunday when david came to see a play at our church, and during the invitation/altar call i went back stage and hid in a room; i fell to my knees and with my face on the floor i begged for david to turn his life over ..there was a large puddle of tear drops underneath my face. everytime i pass that room at church now, the gratefulness i feel...but wait..i haven't gotten there yet.....
staring at david's tear-stained face shocked me. i knew he had been devastated over the loss of his family, but to see him broken like that put a knife in my heart. i stayed hard though, in that truck, showing him i was still making the right decision and no matter what he had to say, i wasn't gonna come back home, no matter what. he started telling me of his night, when he passed me on the road he was going to renny's house (the pastor at my church), just for someone to talk to. nothing more, nothing less. and in those moments of sadness, confusion, clarity, and hope in pastor renny's office, my husband surrendered himself to salvation giving him a new life with a new Master and a new vision. he kept saying he wasn't in control anymore. that he never was, that he finally had peace now and no matter what happened with us, while he desperatley wanted us to come back home, he had peace, and he was going to be okay. i sat there, numb. i had this insane notion that if david was saved, it would be in some grandiose gesture at church, flinging himself on the altar while a legion of angels would be singing "Hallelujah" in the choir loft......oh, but i know those angels were singing in heaven over my david just the same... i didn't know how to respond. even my "wow, that's amazing" sounded hollow and insincere. it was may 14, 2010.
2 weeks after that i moved back home. the past year has been a brand new marriage, and i have a brand new husband. things are not perfect and romantic and amazing all the time. we struggle, we fight, we distance each other...but this time, we get back up. no more pain of the past, because after all, it is the past. and what was in the past is no more.
the Word eludes to the fact that our marriage on earth is to be a direct reflection of our relationship with our Savior. that a marriage is the single most important relationship we can ever have. it's meant to be the most fulfilling, the most cherished, the most nurtured relationship to ever be held in our grasp. so many of us, including me, look to see what we can GET in our marriage...when we should be focused on what we can GIVE in our marriage. i don't know your situation, but i'm here to tell you to never give up. sometimes we must let go, but we never give up. GOD can resurrect your dead marriage..He can give hope to the infertile, He can breathe life into the depressed. My Savior offers rest to the weary, compassion to the broken...HE RESURRECTS WHAT WE THINK IS DEAD, AND IMPOSSIBLE, AND HOPELESS. please have hope. please don't give up. please know that the One who created you, can create a new thing in you. He is more powerful, more worthy, more wonderful than you can ever grasp. and He still resurrects that which is dead.
Side note: this of course isn't all the story..there's so many secret things that my GOD did behind the scenes that i now see in hindsight to soften david's heart, and to soften mine. there's so much more than what is written here, and if you have any questions or just want to talk, let me know. i would love to share with you more, i would love in return to hear your story. He resurrects, He resurrects, He resurrects.....
Saturday, May 7, 2011
the daisies are back
the daisies are back. it had been almost a year to the day since i took a walk on this small country road off to the right.
nearly 2 years ago, a lady disappeared and her remains had later been discovered where she had been taking a walk on a similar country road not far from our house. ever since then, david has refused i take a right turn out of our drive-way to walk, since it's all mountains and woods, and has instead insisted i only take a left turn where the road is dotted with houses and, well, less woods. in fact, i've been told by my husband i will *not* be hiking alone ever, unless of course it's when i take a left hand turn out of the driveway. it's more of him saying "i refuse to have you kidnapped, mauled by a bear, or worse. not on my watch, not in your lifetime." you may call that controlling, but i melt at these words because i know it's coming from a romantically protective place.
but last year, may 14th, i rebelled and took a right hand turn while david was at work. i walked out of the driveway that was no longer mine, since i had taken our daughters and walked out on our marriage for reasons i'd rather gouge my eyes out than say, and i turned right. i had come by that saturday morning to get more things to take to my sister's house, and i remember feeling the need to turn right. i am an explorer, a questioner, and if i'm told one thing, i must do the other. david always said i never listened until it was too late...i wonder if my mom and God ever thought that about me too....
so i strapped my sneakers on and walked down our gravel driveway onto the country road full of woods and wildy growing daisies. i picked several that day, along with some heavenly smelling pink flowers that i would later put into a glass for david to enjoy after i left. like some pathetic way of saying "i'm sorry i left you and that you hurt so much. here are some flowers."
but this story isn't about my life last year, ending a marriage with david and yet beginning a marriage with him all within a few months. this is about today. and the daisies, and the fact that i hadn't taken a right out of the driveway since last year. and looky there...the daisies have come back. all the while, i can hear david's voice asking what if something bad happened to me, and did i tell anyone for goodness sake that i was going for a hike???? this reminded me of when i went to haiti last fall on a mission trip. david reiterated over and over to "never walk off by yourself, darlena. i mean it. i know how you are. never ever walk off by yourself." those words echoed in my soul as i would often walk off alone several times during that week with nothing but a flashlight and the bright moon above me. sometimes david's voice would be so loud i would tell him to shut up, i would be fine by myself, walking on foreign land with only a flashlight. sometimes my need to push the envelope is a deep hidden drive to see just how far i can go..i still wonder if this will ever be a good trait of mine.
i walked, smiled at the daisies, determined to pick some on my way home. then the smell came, the air so thick and heavy and rich with honeysuckle breath that i thought i would faint. honeysuckles have always been my favorite flower for the simple reason that my mother bought me a 'my little pony' named 'honeysuckle' when i was only 3 or 4 years old. i didn't even know what that was, but i loved the name, and now these flowers have a power over me that only Heaven knows. still smiling, i knew i was coming up to the bush where i picked those heavenly smelling pink flowers last year. i spotted them and ran like my legs were on fire. within seconds i had stripped away a huge bunch of the flowers, just to remember the smell...the smell of a lifetime ago when my whole world changed.
wait, what's that trail? i've never noticed it before. there was an opening in the woods that seemed new. i had to check it out, right? it would've been a shame to walk past this invitation from the woods to come play, right? i had to jump over a large culvert to get to the trail, and immediatley i spotted the yellow "POSTED-PRIVATE PROPERTY. ANY VIOLATERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!" eh, i didn't care. i wanted to know where this trail led. i took my sunglasses off since i was shaded by so many trees, and began my mini-adventure. oh if david could see me now. hiking by myself, and trespassing. immediatley the woods seemed angry i accepted its invitation. i heard buzzing noises and bugs flying every which way in order to warn the others about a human in their midst. branches were snapping and leaves were rustling. i had invaded the privacy of this untouched land.
i felt like a child in a brand new dimension. i stayed fully aware for any sign of houses, or cars, or a man with a shotgun in camo saying "git off my lan'!!" but all the while i was mesmerized by the green, the multiple trees that fell due to storms. just lying there, forgotten. huge root systems bigger than myself. i was cloaked with spider webs, and sweat. i didn't care. i felt, free. i kept going, not wanting to turn around, not wanting to continue. what if someone catches me all the way out here...what if there's a wild animal, what if i get bit by a snake and pass out...who would find me? somehow none of this mattered enough for me to change course and head home. i just kept moving ahead, my heart thumping out of my chest from a mixture of adrenaline and the mountainous incline. i finally reached a point where the trail just stopped, abruptly and without warning. several trees were down, so i climbed over all of them, even an oak that looked at least 100 years old before it plumetted to its death on the forest floor. but even after all the jumping over trees, there was no trail. disappointed i wondered if i should continue on in the woods, or if i should turn back. i must have stood there weighing this thought for atleast 60 seconds, when i realized i needed to go home. and back down the trail i went. slower this time, taking pictures with my cell phone and wondering if i had contracted poison ivy. i tried my best to get all of the sticky web off of me to no avail, so i started working on my hair, praying i wouldn't find any ticks. but really, none of that would've really mattered. what mattered was i took a right hand turn, and everything was okay.
when the trail came back to the road, i stood there a moment, my eyes adjusting to the bright sun. slipping my sunglasses back on i promised myself i would be back. i had to come back, because the daisies were back.
nearly 2 years ago, a lady disappeared and her remains had later been discovered where she had been taking a walk on a similar country road not far from our house. ever since then, david has refused i take a right turn out of our drive-way to walk, since it's all mountains and woods, and has instead insisted i only take a left turn where the road is dotted with houses and, well, less woods. in fact, i've been told by my husband i will *not* be hiking alone ever, unless of course it's when i take a left hand turn out of the driveway. it's more of him saying "i refuse to have you kidnapped, mauled by a bear, or worse. not on my watch, not in your lifetime." you may call that controlling, but i melt at these words because i know it's coming from a romantically protective place.
but last year, may 14th, i rebelled and took a right hand turn while david was at work. i walked out of the driveway that was no longer mine, since i had taken our daughters and walked out on our marriage for reasons i'd rather gouge my eyes out than say, and i turned right. i had come by that saturday morning to get more things to take to my sister's house, and i remember feeling the need to turn right. i am an explorer, a questioner, and if i'm told one thing, i must do the other. david always said i never listened until it was too late...i wonder if my mom and God ever thought that about me too....
so i strapped my sneakers on and walked down our gravel driveway onto the country road full of woods and wildy growing daisies. i picked several that day, along with some heavenly smelling pink flowers that i would later put into a glass for david to enjoy after i left. like some pathetic way of saying "i'm sorry i left you and that you hurt so much. here are some flowers."
but this story isn't about my life last year, ending a marriage with david and yet beginning a marriage with him all within a few months. this is about today. and the daisies, and the fact that i hadn't taken a right out of the driveway since last year. and looky there...the daisies have come back. all the while, i can hear david's voice asking what if something bad happened to me, and did i tell anyone for goodness sake that i was going for a hike???? this reminded me of when i went to haiti last fall on a mission trip. david reiterated over and over to "never walk off by yourself, darlena. i mean it. i know how you are. never ever walk off by yourself." those words echoed in my soul as i would often walk off alone several times during that week with nothing but a flashlight and the bright moon above me. sometimes david's voice would be so loud i would tell him to shut up, i would be fine by myself, walking on foreign land with only a flashlight. sometimes my need to push the envelope is a deep hidden drive to see just how far i can go..i still wonder if this will ever be a good trait of mine.
i walked, smiled at the daisies, determined to pick some on my way home. then the smell came, the air so thick and heavy and rich with honeysuckle breath that i thought i would faint. honeysuckles have always been my favorite flower for the simple reason that my mother bought me a 'my little pony' named 'honeysuckle' when i was only 3 or 4 years old. i didn't even know what that was, but i loved the name, and now these flowers have a power over me that only Heaven knows. still smiling, i knew i was coming up to the bush where i picked those heavenly smelling pink flowers last year. i spotted them and ran like my legs were on fire. within seconds i had stripped away a huge bunch of the flowers, just to remember the smell...the smell of a lifetime ago when my whole world changed.
wait, what's that trail? i've never noticed it before. there was an opening in the woods that seemed new. i had to check it out, right? it would've been a shame to walk past this invitation from the woods to come play, right? i had to jump over a large culvert to get to the trail, and immediatley i spotted the yellow "POSTED-PRIVATE PROPERTY. ANY VIOLATERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!" eh, i didn't care. i wanted to know where this trail led. i took my sunglasses off since i was shaded by so many trees, and began my mini-adventure. oh if david could see me now. hiking by myself, and trespassing. immediatley the woods seemed angry i accepted its invitation. i heard buzzing noises and bugs flying every which way in order to warn the others about a human in their midst. branches were snapping and leaves were rustling. i had invaded the privacy of this untouched land.
i felt like a child in a brand new dimension. i stayed fully aware for any sign of houses, or cars, or a man with a shotgun in camo saying "git off my lan'!!" but all the while i was mesmerized by the green, the multiple trees that fell due to storms. just lying there, forgotten. huge root systems bigger than myself. i was cloaked with spider webs, and sweat. i didn't care. i felt, free. i kept going, not wanting to turn around, not wanting to continue. what if someone catches me all the way out here...what if there's a wild animal, what if i get bit by a snake and pass out...who would find me? somehow none of this mattered enough for me to change course and head home. i just kept moving ahead, my heart thumping out of my chest from a mixture of adrenaline and the mountainous incline. i finally reached a point where the trail just stopped, abruptly and without warning. several trees were down, so i climbed over all of them, even an oak that looked at least 100 years old before it plumetted to its death on the forest floor. but even after all the jumping over trees, there was no trail. disappointed i wondered if i should continue on in the woods, or if i should turn back. i must have stood there weighing this thought for atleast 60 seconds, when i realized i needed to go home. and back down the trail i went. slower this time, taking pictures with my cell phone and wondering if i had contracted poison ivy. i tried my best to get all of the sticky web off of me to no avail, so i started working on my hair, praying i wouldn't find any ticks. but really, none of that would've really mattered. what mattered was i took a right hand turn, and everything was okay.
when the trail came back to the road, i stood there a moment, my eyes adjusting to the bright sun. slipping my sunglasses back on i promised myself i would be back. i had to come back, because the daisies were back.
Friday, May 6, 2011
my mother
purity. if i could sum my mother up in one word, it would be that; purity. or some other version of the word, pure, genuine, authentic, what the Jews would call "kosher"..dare i say, perfect? of course no one is perfect, and certainly not my mother. my relationship with my mom is mine. it may not be yours, it may be something you can relate to, something you think is far-fetched and conjured up by an insane imagination, but it's true and it's mine and i nurture it like i would a 2-pound baby small enough to fit into my palm.
my mom would pick me up from school as a young child and go to the post office, nearly every day. you know, before you could pay bills on line, and when people actually wrote LETTERS back and forth to one another. i would stay in the car and "hide" in the floorboard, tucked up into a little rolly-polly type ball. every time we went to the post office, i did this. and every time, she would get back in the car and say "where's my little darlena? oh no! i hope she didn't run away! darlena, darlena, where are you?" and i would, every time, pop up and laugh and smile and say "here i am!" and she would proceed to tell me what a little stinker i was and we would laugh some more. it's funny how the small things like that stay with a person.
she made birthdays the most special. we never had a lot of money, and i can't remember to save my life any birthday gift i ever received. but what i do remember are homemade cakes. betty crocker, or duncan hines, or whatever was on sale..those cakes made every birthday seem the like the best day ever. she would let me have a few friends over and it was just me, and a cake and friends, and because of her, i felt like the most important child in the world. this is why my children receive homemade cakes on their birthdays. store bought cakes are great, but i pass on this tradition because i want my daughters to feel every bit as special as i always did.
i remember waking up to sweet kisses and "good morning, precious." that's what my mom to this day calls me; "precious." i remember her consoling me after my hamster died and i thought my world was ending...i learned about death that day. i remember an overwhelming sense of protection over her and what we had as mother/daughter. chocolate pancakes, and old navy shopping trips, listening ears, and rightful punishments. i remember the slap she gave me, once when i was arrested (i was 14 and shoplifted, and i still hurt from that slap sometimes), and another time when she caught me smoking in my room. i remember secretly despising her when she'd forbidden me to see a friend who she thought would damage my youth...and now i see she was right. i recall doing things to her that pained her and hurt her so very much that her heart must have bled for a very long time as a result. the anger she had when i told her i was pregnant (and 18), probably envisioning the worst possible future for me. i can't remember everything, and yet i remember everything. i mostly remember the way she made me feel. to say i felt "loved" is so cliche, it's so mundane, it's so ordinarily normal. no, i can't say that i felt loved, even though i did, more than anyone, so deeply and widely and fully and wholly. it was more like, passionatley and fiercely adored. yes, she adored me. and i adored her. and till now, we still adore each other more than ever.
when i turned 16, she told me she was sad that i would never need her again like i did when i was a younger child. i'll never forget that conversation in the living room of our small apartment, staring at the green carpet. she compared me to my nephew justin, and how he needed my then sister-in-law. he was just a small boy then. she was envious of the way the boy needed his mother. she said i would never act that way toward her again, and she missed it terribly. at the time, i blew off that conversation. but i think on it from time to time. especially now as a nearly 30 year old woman who so desperatley hungers and thirsts for her mother, i need her so much more than i could have ever needed her as a child. life is harder now. it hurts more. and while she may not be kissing my skinned knees any longer, she somehow manages to kiss my very heart with her tender words and kind laughter. she is the most brave, courageous, independent woman i know. the most beautiful, the most kind, the most intelligent. she is so many things that i could never ever have the time to sit and write. and i sit here at my desk, and i cry from the overwhelming emotion of who i have been blessed with as my mother. purity.
oh dear, precious Savior..please please let my daughters see me as i see my own mother.
my mom would pick me up from school as a young child and go to the post office, nearly every day. you know, before you could pay bills on line, and when people actually wrote LETTERS back and forth to one another. i would stay in the car and "hide" in the floorboard, tucked up into a little rolly-polly type ball. every time we went to the post office, i did this. and every time, she would get back in the car and say "where's my little darlena? oh no! i hope she didn't run away! darlena, darlena, where are you?" and i would, every time, pop up and laugh and smile and say "here i am!" and she would proceed to tell me what a little stinker i was and we would laugh some more. it's funny how the small things like that stay with a person.
she made birthdays the most special. we never had a lot of money, and i can't remember to save my life any birthday gift i ever received. but what i do remember are homemade cakes. betty crocker, or duncan hines, or whatever was on sale..those cakes made every birthday seem the like the best day ever. she would let me have a few friends over and it was just me, and a cake and friends, and because of her, i felt like the most important child in the world. this is why my children receive homemade cakes on their birthdays. store bought cakes are great, but i pass on this tradition because i want my daughters to feel every bit as special as i always did.
i remember waking up to sweet kisses and "good morning, precious." that's what my mom to this day calls me; "precious." i remember her consoling me after my hamster died and i thought my world was ending...i learned about death that day. i remember an overwhelming sense of protection over her and what we had as mother/daughter. chocolate pancakes, and old navy shopping trips, listening ears, and rightful punishments. i remember the slap she gave me, once when i was arrested (i was 14 and shoplifted, and i still hurt from that slap sometimes), and another time when she caught me smoking in my room. i remember secretly despising her when she'd forbidden me to see a friend who she thought would damage my youth...and now i see she was right. i recall doing things to her that pained her and hurt her so very much that her heart must have bled for a very long time as a result. the anger she had when i told her i was pregnant (and 18), probably envisioning the worst possible future for me. i can't remember everything, and yet i remember everything. i mostly remember the way she made me feel. to say i felt "loved" is so cliche, it's so mundane, it's so ordinarily normal. no, i can't say that i felt loved, even though i did, more than anyone, so deeply and widely and fully and wholly. it was more like, passionatley and fiercely adored. yes, she adored me. and i adored her. and till now, we still adore each other more than ever.
when i turned 16, she told me she was sad that i would never need her again like i did when i was a younger child. i'll never forget that conversation in the living room of our small apartment, staring at the green carpet. she compared me to my nephew justin, and how he needed my then sister-in-law. he was just a small boy then. she was envious of the way the boy needed his mother. she said i would never act that way toward her again, and she missed it terribly. at the time, i blew off that conversation. but i think on it from time to time. especially now as a nearly 30 year old woman who so desperatley hungers and thirsts for her mother, i need her so much more than i could have ever needed her as a child. life is harder now. it hurts more. and while she may not be kissing my skinned knees any longer, she somehow manages to kiss my very heart with her tender words and kind laughter. she is the most brave, courageous, independent woman i know. the most beautiful, the most kind, the most intelligent. she is so many things that i could never ever have the time to sit and write. and i sit here at my desk, and i cry from the overwhelming emotion of who i have been blessed with as my mother. purity.
oh dear, precious Savior..please please let my daughters see me as i see my own mother.
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