the daisies are back

the daisies are back. it had been almost a year to the day since i took a walk on this small country road off to the right.

nearly 2 years ago, a lady disappeared and her remains had later been discovered where she had been taking a walk on a similar country road not far from our house. ever since then, david has refused i take a right turn out of our drive-way to walk, since it's all mountains and woods, and has instead insisted i only take a left turn where the road is dotted with houses and, well, less woods. in fact, i've been told by my husband i will *not* be hiking alone ever, unless of course it's when i take a left hand turn out of the driveway. it's more of him saying "i refuse to have you kidnapped, mauled by a bear, or worse. not on my watch, not in your lifetime." you may call that controlling, but i melt at these words because i know it's coming from a romantically protective place.

but last year, may 14th, i rebelled and took a right hand turn while david was at work. i walked out of the driveway that was no longer mine, since i had taken our daughters and walked out on our marriage for reasons i'd rather gouge my eyes out than say, and i turned right. i had come by that saturday morning to get more things to take to my sister's house, and i remember feeling the need to turn right. i am an explorer, a questioner, and if i'm told one thing, i must do the other. david always said i never listened until it was too late...i wonder if my mom and God ever thought that about me too....

so i strapped my sneakers on and walked down our gravel driveway onto the country road full of woods and wildy growing daisies. i picked several that day, along with some heavenly smelling pink flowers that i would later put into a glass for david to enjoy after i left. like some pathetic way of saying "i'm sorry i left you and that you hurt so much. here are some flowers."

but this story isn't about my life last year, ending a marriage with david and yet beginning a marriage with him all within a few months. this is about today. and the daisies, and the fact that i hadn't taken a right out of the driveway since last year. and looky there...the daisies have come back. all the while, i can hear david's voice asking what if something bad happened to me, and did i tell anyone for goodness sake that i was going for a hike???? this reminded me of when i went to haiti last fall on a mission trip. david reiterated over and over to "never walk off by yourself, darlena. i mean it. i know how you are. never ever walk off by yourself."  those words echoed in my soul as i would often walk off alone several times during that week with nothing but a flashlight and the bright moon above me. sometimes david's voice would be so loud i would tell him to shut up, i would be fine by myself, walking on foreign land with only a flashlight. sometimes my need to push the envelope is a deep hidden drive to see just how far i can go..i still wonder if this will ever be a good trait of mine.

i walked, smiled at the daisies, determined to pick some on my way home. then the smell came, the air so thick and heavy and rich with honeysuckle breath that i thought i would faint. honeysuckles have always been my favorite flower for the simple reason that my mother bought me a 'my little pony' named 'honeysuckle' when i was only 3 or 4 years old. i didn't even know what that was, but i loved the name, and now these flowers have a power over me that only Heaven knows. still smiling, i knew i was coming up to the bush where i picked those heavenly smelling pink flowers last year. i spotted them and ran like my legs were on fire. within seconds i had stripped away a huge bunch of the flowers, just to remember the smell...the smell of a lifetime ago when my whole world changed.

wait, what's that trail? i've never noticed it before. there was an opening in the woods that seemed new. i had to check it out, right? it would've been a shame to walk past this invitation from the woods to come play, right? i had to jump over a large culvert to get to the trail, and immediatley i spotted the yellow "POSTED-PRIVATE PROPERTY. ANY VIOLATERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!" eh, i didn't care. i wanted to know where this trail led. i took my sunglasses off since i was shaded by so many trees, and began my mini-adventure. oh if david could see me now. hiking by myself, and trespassing. immediatley the woods seemed angry i accepted its invitation. i heard buzzing noises and bugs flying every which way in order to warn the others about a human in their midst. branches were snapping and leaves were rustling. i had invaded the privacy of this untouched land.

i felt like a child in a brand new dimension. i stayed fully aware for any sign of houses, or cars, or a man with a shotgun in camo saying "git off my lan'!!" but all the while i was mesmerized by the green, the multiple trees that fell due to storms. just lying there, forgotten. huge root systems bigger than myself. i was cloaked with spider webs, and sweat. i didn't care. i felt, free. i kept going, not wanting to turn around, not wanting to continue. what if someone catches me all the way out here...what if there's a wild animal, what if i get bit by a snake and pass out...who would find me? somehow none of this mattered enough for me to change course and head home. i just kept moving ahead, my heart thumping out of my chest from a mixture of adrenaline and the mountainous incline. i finally reached a point where the trail just stopped, abruptly and without warning. several trees were down, so i climbed over all of them, even an oak that looked at least 100 years old before it plumetted to its death on the forest floor. but even after all the jumping over trees, there was no trail. disappointed i wondered if i should continue on in the woods, or if i should turn back. i must have stood there weighing this thought for atleast 60 seconds, when i realized i needed to go home. and back down the trail i went. slower this time, taking pictures with my cell phone and wondering if i had contracted poison ivy. i tried my best to get all of the sticky web off of me to no avail, so i started working on my hair, praying i wouldn't find any ticks. but really, none of that would've really mattered. what mattered was i took a right hand turn, and everything was okay.

when the trail came back to the road, i stood there a moment, my eyes adjusting to the bright sun. slipping my sunglasses back on i promised myself i would be back. i had to come back, because the daisies were back.