i have written about this in pieces for the past year. it's a subject that so many can relate to, a topic that hits home more than we'd like to admit. but maybe this blog won't be about this particular event in my life, maybe it will be about resurrection of the dead. because what can be more lifeless than a dead marriage and what can give us more hope than a resurrection of that relationship?
david left me in 2007 for about a month. i thought my heart, my guts, my very lungs were being sucked out of my body. it was truly the darkest time in my life, i was positive i would never live to smile again. you see back then, i had made david my god, my idol...and instead of putting my Savior first in my life (refer to the first commandment, "thou shalt NOT put any god before Me"), He very mercifully, removed david from me. i have no doubt that the pain i felt in '07 was a direct result of the mercy of my Father, because yes, it was the most painful time of my life, but i had never had to depend on my GOD like that before. i had never needed Him to literally breathe in me because i couldn't breathe myself. and in the darkness, there was so much peace, there was so much of His presence surrounding me, giving me strength that i balked at because i thought, "no, that's not me. i'm not that strong." and yet, His strength was made perfect in my weakness. david and i did reconcile (obviously), but i had come out the other side stronger, closer to my Creator, a brand new thing had happened in me and i had no idea at the time how i would be able to minister and help others in the months and years to come that were going through the exact same thing.
fast forward to spring 2010. i couldn't do it any more. be married to this man, our rough times were not behind us, but growing ever larger with every passing day. i couldn't do it. to carry on in my marriage would mean emotional and mental suicide. so i left. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my entire life, to take our two daughters and move out. it was also the best thing i could've ever done for david. no, i wasn't perfect in our marriage, but there were things i refused to live with any longer..and once i was gone, david was left with no one but himself, forced to look long and hard in a mirror of self-reflection.
2 days after i left, i passed david on the road. he was driving so fast, and i remember texting him to "slow down PLEASE." he never responded and i went about my friday night, going to my best friend's house and eating dinner. next thing i know he texts me and says we needed to talk, and that he was pulling in the driveway. gripped with fear of the unknown, i walked outside and into his truck. i told jill and alicia, "if i'm not back in 10 minutes, come get me." what happened next was the very last thing i could have ever expected.
you see, for many years i prayed for david's salvation. for his turning towards the Light. i knew that if he did, my life would be so much better and easier to handle. how selfish were those prayers. of course i didn't want him going to hell, because i do most certainly believe that our Messiah is the Way, the Truth, the Life and the ONLY way to the Father is through Him. there were countless tears shed, too many notes in my Bible to count regarding my prayers for david, and many prayer requests given for him. there were fists pointed towards heaven begging GOD, pleading with Him to please get through to my husband. i remember one Easter sunday when david came to see a play at our church, and during the invitation/altar call i went back stage and hid in a room; i fell to my knees and with my face on the floor i begged for david to turn his life over ..there was a large puddle of tear drops underneath my face. everytime i pass that room at church now, the gratefulness i feel...but wait..i haven't gotten there yet.....
staring at david's tear-stained face shocked me. i knew he had been devastated over the loss of his family, but to see him broken like that put a knife in my heart. i stayed hard though, in that truck, showing him i was still making the right decision and no matter what he had to say, i wasn't gonna come back home, no matter what. he started telling me of his night, when he passed me on the road he was going to renny's house (the pastor at my church), just for someone to talk to. nothing more, nothing less. and in those moments of sadness, confusion, clarity, and hope in pastor renny's office, my husband surrendered himself to salvation giving him a new life with a new Master and a new vision. he kept saying he wasn't in control anymore. that he never was, that he finally had peace now and no matter what happened with us, while he desperatley wanted us to come back home, he had peace, and he was going to be okay. i sat there, numb. i had this insane notion that if david was saved, it would be in some grandiose gesture at church, flinging himself on the altar while a legion of angels would be singing "Hallelujah" in the choir loft......oh, but i know those angels were singing in heaven over my david just the same... i didn't know how to respond. even my "wow, that's amazing" sounded hollow and insincere. it was may 14, 2010.
2 weeks after that i moved back home. the past year has been a brand new marriage, and i have a brand new husband. things are not perfect and romantic and amazing all the time. we struggle, we fight, we distance each other...but this time, we get back up. no more pain of the past, because after all, it is the past. and what was in the past is no more.
the Word eludes to the fact that our marriage on earth is to be a direct reflection of our relationship with our Savior. that a marriage is the single most important relationship we can ever have. it's meant to be the most fulfilling, the most cherished, the most nurtured relationship to ever be held in our grasp. so many of us, including me, look to see what we can GET in our marriage...when we should be focused on what we can GIVE in our marriage. i don't know your situation, but i'm here to tell you to never give up. sometimes we must let go, but we never give up. GOD can resurrect your dead marriage..He can give hope to the infertile, He can breathe life into the depressed. My Savior offers rest to the weary, compassion to the broken...HE RESURRECTS WHAT WE THINK IS DEAD, AND IMPOSSIBLE, AND HOPELESS. please have hope. please don't give up. please know that the One who created you, can create a new thing in you. He is more powerful, more worthy, more wonderful than you can ever grasp. and He still resurrects that which is dead.
Side note: this of course isn't all the story..there's so many secret things that my GOD did behind the scenes that i now see in hindsight to soften david's heart, and to soften mine. there's so much more than what is written here, and if you have any questions or just want to talk, let me know. i would love to share with you more, i would love in return to hear your story. He resurrects, He resurrects, He resurrects.....
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