what happens when you don't get what you want from others? when they with-hold love, affection, approval, kindness from you...it hurts, yes? it hurts me. but thankfully, i'm being freed, being weened and eventually will be cut-off from an addiction so consuming, it has become an ever-present best friend and worst enemy; approval addiction.
it started when i was very young, but it wasn't until 2 years ago when i stepped out of the light of denial into the world of truth. my husband brought me home a book he found that day called "Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone" by Joyce Meyer. i laughed hysterically because we have never had that conversation, you know, the one where i live in a state of constant martyrdom in order that i please everyone else and strive to make myself appear perfect for the sake of others. i was also crying on the inside for the very same reason. david saw. he knew. he never said a word, but how it must have made his heart ache to see his wife in daily turmoil for years, just to make everyone else happy and to be the person she thought they needed her to be. i don't think i actually ever knew what *that* was, not until i saw it staring at me in black and white. "it" finally had a name, and i wasn't ready to face it.
my mind had raced for years, an inner dialogue with myself that went something like this: am i pretty enough? smart enough, funny, skinny, spiritual, sensitive, nice, happy enough? what if i'm not? what if others don't like me? if i become like her, people will like me! if i spend hours investing in other people's lives, others will think i'm so good and sweet! if that person compliments me, it will make my whole day..what if they don't? what if i don't get what i need from her? from him? i hate myself. i'm not any good..that person doesn't treat me like i want to be treated and it hurts. something is wrong with me. if i just sacrifice all i have, then they will see how great i am. if everyone loves me, then i'll be okay. if this person notices me today, i'll be happy. i hate myself, it's not fair that i'm me. i know i'm my Father's creation, and that to Him i'm enough..but what about her? what about him? do my kids like me? what if the blogs i write make people upset? what if i tell someone no? will they be mad? what if the way i act displeases God? i must act better! if i'm bad, i hate myself...i have no good in me, i'm totally rotten and everyone must think i'm terrible until..wait..another compliment! okay, i'm good again!! and on and on and on and on.
as i just wrote that, the pure honest words of my very pitiful heart, i cried. not because i feel sorry for myself, but because i know so many others like this. and they don't see...that THIS IS THE ENEMY! THESE ARE SATAN'S LIES!!!! WE MUST BE FREE FROM THE PARALIZING PAIN FROM THOUGHTS AND WORDS, AND ACTIONS OF OTHERS THAT HURT US!! even the ones that make us feel good..we must not become so dependant upon the feelings of others' approval of us! i am "fearfully and wonderfully made"(Psalm 139).....my Abba Father created me perfectly. i need no one's love, i need no one's approval...if all were stripped away, and all i had was the love of a Creator that gave His Son for ME, that is enough. HE IS ENOUGH! HIS THOUGHTS OF ME ARE ENOUGH!!!! NO MAN OR WOMAN CAN GIVE ME THE LOVE THAT HE DOES, NOR THE APPROVAL....NO MATTER HOW I ACT!!! He is gracious, and wants us to be free in Him!!!
He is showing me how to be free...to GIVE love, acceptance, approval TO others. not focus on GETTING these things...but to give and allow His love inside of me to overflow and bubble up on those around me. this "rehab program" that He's taking me through is HARD. sometimes i get little to nothing from the people i need it from the most. but that's not the point. the point is to set me free, not them, and though sometimes the love i give is through gritted teeth and a humble heart, i know His ways are best. and the way i was living was a most painful prison.
Thank you for sharing this.. people seem to take the things you address, things such as feelings of not being good enough and 'file' them away. never to deal with them. Eventually, they will have to. Thank you for sharing your heart. People who deal with this like you, can sometimes try to overcompensate and end up doing things that can negatively affect our lives just to be noticed and approved. He left eternity for you, for me, for all just to tell us that we ARE good enough.. It is only by His grace that we can accept that and believe it!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this.. people seem to take the things you address, things such as feelings of not being good enough and 'file' them away. never to deal with them. Eventually, they will have to. Thank you for sharing your heart. People who deal with this like you, can sometimes try to overcompensate and end up doing things that can negatively affect our lives just to be noticed and approved. He left eternity for you, for me, for all just to tell us that we ARE good enough.. It is only by His grace that we can accept that and believe it!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this.. people seem to take the things you address, things such as feelings of not being good enough and 'file' them away. never to deal with them. Eventually, they will have to. Thank you for sharing your heart. People who deal with this like you, can sometimes try to overcompensate and end up doing things that can negatively affect our lives just to be noticed and approved. He left eternity for you, for me, for all just to tell us that we ARE good enough.. It is only by His grace that we can accept that and believe it!
ReplyDelete