overanalytical with a side of compassion, please. and hold the hyper-sensitivity

every year, if you're lucky, in your job you'll receive an evaluation. this is a good thing, whether it comes with a pay raise or not (preferably with). this is a chance for your employer to go over with you your strengths and weaknesses in your job and hopefully will provide guidance on how to improve yourself; the good and the bad.

i'll be 30 at the end of may. 30. at first i didn't mind this change in my life..in fact, for the past several months i've been welcoming and inviting this new "age" to come and rid me of my disasterous 20s. all the pain from my young adult life i felt would melt away as i began a new journey called "30." and now, i'm not sure how i'll feel about it until it's actually here.

what i do know about turning 30 is myself. thankfully, i have always been very self-aware of my every action, word, and thought. for so many years i have toiled and over-analyzed myself, deep down where no one else can go. why did i say that? why does that bother me? why am i like this? when did this feeling originate? etc. i am also aware, mind you, of my good traits. so as 30 is creeping up without even asking if i want it or not, i will give myself, publically, an evaluation. just as an employer would do, i will analyze my life, the good, the bad, the ugly. i will be a realist about myself, as i usually am, and recognize in the following list things i admire, and things i detest about myself. as the authority on "me," i will probably leave out a few (personal) things about darlena, and more than likely flat out forget some things. but here it goes....my 30 year evaluation, in no particular order.

1) as noted before, i am beyond overanalytical. to a fault. not only to me, but to others and their words and actions. i just plain think way too much about way too much.
2) i am insanely hyper-sensitive and one cross word has the power to send me into an overanalytical overdrive of sorts, this i hate because i dwell. yes, i'm a dweller.
3) i have control issues. this is a recent revelation of mine, maybe in just the past year. i straddle the fence of perfectionism and controlling, sometimes the wind blows me one way, sometimes another. but either way, as my dear friend put it, i am a "perfectionist, control-freak" yikes!
4) if you're crying, i'm going to cry too. it's just my bleeding heart for a broken heart. "weep with those who weep.."
5) on that note, i'm super compassionate. i may not always show you with a hug, but my heart breaks. no matter how you've done me wrong, throw me a sob-story and i'll throw you some compassion. it's true (ask my ex-husband)
6) i sometimes use my words as venom, i can cut you down to size in the matter of a sentence. but i mostly do this in front of the mirror in my bathroom or in my car. rarely will i "tell someone off" to their face. it's mostly when i'm just by myself. but trust me, those words can be poison (not proud of this)
7) i have severe maternal insecurities and base how good i'm doing at parenting by how many rules i can give my children
8) i will compare myself to you, and find the one (or two) thing that you have that i deem "better" than me and focus on that and try to attain it myself. i can be a chameleon this way
9) i am loyal, even if i don't like you.
10) i have to have everything done yesterday


so, there's the major things. right there. laid out for all to see. love it or hate it, that's me. of course there's so much more, as there is with any human being. this is my 30 year evaluation. my strengths, my weaknesses. i hope to look back at this 10 years from now as i approach 40 and have all new revelations of myself to add. thanks for reading. don't judge, or i'll tell you off in my bathroom.