last night one particular phrase kept running through my mind..."my cup runneth over." "My Cup Runneth Over" is a quotation from the Hebrew Bible (Psalm 23:5) and means "I have more than enough for my needs." my cup truly runs over daily..between the food in my stomach, the clothes on my back, the air in my lungs, a Savior in my heart, and the roof over my head...i would say my Heavenly Father has blessed me above and beyond!!! but last night, i kept hearing that phrase in my heart..."my cup runneth over, my cup runneth over."
you see, i'll be 30 on tuesday. and for some reason unbeknownst to me, my Creator and Abba Father loves me so much, that He has orchestrated a most perfect celebration for His beloved (that's me!) the party started about a week ago when my brother came into town, one of my most favorite people on the face of the planet. not only did we have a great time together, but he brought me a gift from my sisters and himself..they had all gone in together to buy me an Amazon Kindle. if you know me, you know i'm a book-worm at heart...this present brought tears to my eyes. i know that each one of my siblings were hand-picked especially for me!! ALL of them are so dear to my soul!!
THEN, i was blessed last weekend by being able to go to miami with my best friend on a work trip. i stayed in the nicest hotel i'd ever seen, ate amazing food, and bff and i took a taxi and went to south beach to swim in the beautiful ocean and eat yummy cuban food!!! (i mean, the timing of all of this is just amazing)
and then, last night..when my cup runneth over.....my closest girl friends surprised me with a 30th birthday bash at an extremley nice restaurant (tip to all, ASK how much the special is before you order it and have someone else pay for it). david, my sister deanna, and my friends all went in and planned this shin-dig!!! when hubby took me to this restaurant, i had no idea that a table full of amazing women, flowers, gifts, and smiles would be awaiting me! we sang, danced, laughed, (i) made a fool of myself :)....and later into the evening when i looked around the table i felt it. when my cup started not only running over, but flooding my entire soul with love and gratefulness for these precious women that i have been blessed with. each so beautiful and special in their own God-given way. there were new and old friends alike, but all just sat there..holding a piece of my heart with the sweetest grace and acceptance i'd ever witnessed. here i was, weeks ago, being depressed about (not turning) being 30. but why? when i have all of these people? when i have all of this love?
AND if all that wasn't enough!!! .... my sister debbie and her sweet little family are coming today for the weekend on a last minute trip....WOW!!! i can't wait to see what the rest of the weekend has in store for me!
waking up this morning, and walking into a kitchen with balloons and flowers from last night, and all of my gifts carefully placed on the counter, i felt it again. my cup runneth over...and this being 30 thing might not suck after all.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
"GOD, baptize me in the criticism of man, to free me from the approval of man."
what happens when you don't get what you want from others? when they with-hold love, affection, approval, kindness from you...it hurts, yes? it hurts me. but thankfully, i'm being freed, being weened and eventually will be cut-off from an addiction so consuming, it has become an ever-present best friend and worst enemy; approval addiction.
it started when i was very young, but it wasn't until 2 years ago when i stepped out of the light of denial into the world of truth. my husband brought me home a book he found that day called "Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone" by Joyce Meyer. i laughed hysterically because we have never had that conversation, you know, the one where i live in a state of constant martyrdom in order that i please everyone else and strive to make myself appear perfect for the sake of others. i was also crying on the inside for the very same reason. david saw. he knew. he never said a word, but how it must have made his heart ache to see his wife in daily turmoil for years, just to make everyone else happy and to be the person she thought they needed her to be. i don't think i actually ever knew what *that* was, not until i saw it staring at me in black and white. "it" finally had a name, and i wasn't ready to face it.
my mind had raced for years, an inner dialogue with myself that went something like this: am i pretty enough? smart enough, funny, skinny, spiritual, sensitive, nice, happy enough? what if i'm not? what if others don't like me? if i become like her, people will like me! if i spend hours investing in other people's lives, others will think i'm so good and sweet! if that person compliments me, it will make my whole day..what if they don't? what if i don't get what i need from her? from him? i hate myself. i'm not any good..that person doesn't treat me like i want to be treated and it hurts. something is wrong with me. if i just sacrifice all i have, then they will see how great i am. if everyone loves me, then i'll be okay. if this person notices me today, i'll be happy. i hate myself, it's not fair that i'm me. i know i'm my Father's creation, and that to Him i'm enough..but what about her? what about him? do my kids like me? what if the blogs i write make people upset? what if i tell someone no? will they be mad? what if the way i act displeases God? i must act better! if i'm bad, i hate myself...i have no good in me, i'm totally rotten and everyone must think i'm terrible until..wait..another compliment! okay, i'm good again!! and on and on and on and on.
as i just wrote that, the pure honest words of my very pitiful heart, i cried. not because i feel sorry for myself, but because i know so many others like this. and they don't see...that THIS IS THE ENEMY! THESE ARE SATAN'S LIES!!!! WE MUST BE FREE FROM THE PARALIZING PAIN FROM THOUGHTS AND WORDS, AND ACTIONS OF OTHERS THAT HURT US!! even the ones that make us feel good..we must not become so dependant upon the feelings of others' approval of us! i am "fearfully and wonderfully made"(Psalm 139).....my Abba Father created me perfectly. i need no one's love, i need no one's approval...if all were stripped away, and all i had was the love of a Creator that gave His Son for ME, that is enough. HE IS ENOUGH! HIS THOUGHTS OF ME ARE ENOUGH!!!! NO MAN OR WOMAN CAN GIVE ME THE LOVE THAT HE DOES, NOR THE APPROVAL....NO MATTER HOW I ACT!!! He is gracious, and wants us to be free in Him!!!
He is showing me how to be free...to GIVE love, acceptance, approval TO others. not focus on GETTING these things...but to give and allow His love inside of me to overflow and bubble up on those around me. this "rehab program" that He's taking me through is HARD. sometimes i get little to nothing from the people i need it from the most. but that's not the point. the point is to set me free, not them, and though sometimes the love i give is through gritted teeth and a humble heart, i know His ways are best. and the way i was living was a most painful prison.
it started when i was very young, but it wasn't until 2 years ago when i stepped out of the light of denial into the world of truth. my husband brought me home a book he found that day called "Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone" by Joyce Meyer. i laughed hysterically because we have never had that conversation, you know, the one where i live in a state of constant martyrdom in order that i please everyone else and strive to make myself appear perfect for the sake of others. i was also crying on the inside for the very same reason. david saw. he knew. he never said a word, but how it must have made his heart ache to see his wife in daily turmoil for years, just to make everyone else happy and to be the person she thought they needed her to be. i don't think i actually ever knew what *that* was, not until i saw it staring at me in black and white. "it" finally had a name, and i wasn't ready to face it.
my mind had raced for years, an inner dialogue with myself that went something like this: am i pretty enough? smart enough, funny, skinny, spiritual, sensitive, nice, happy enough? what if i'm not? what if others don't like me? if i become like her, people will like me! if i spend hours investing in other people's lives, others will think i'm so good and sweet! if that person compliments me, it will make my whole day..what if they don't? what if i don't get what i need from her? from him? i hate myself. i'm not any good..that person doesn't treat me like i want to be treated and it hurts. something is wrong with me. if i just sacrifice all i have, then they will see how great i am. if everyone loves me, then i'll be okay. if this person notices me today, i'll be happy. i hate myself, it's not fair that i'm me. i know i'm my Father's creation, and that to Him i'm enough..but what about her? what about him? do my kids like me? what if the blogs i write make people upset? what if i tell someone no? will they be mad? what if the way i act displeases God? i must act better! if i'm bad, i hate myself...i have no good in me, i'm totally rotten and everyone must think i'm terrible until..wait..another compliment! okay, i'm good again!! and on and on and on and on.
as i just wrote that, the pure honest words of my very pitiful heart, i cried. not because i feel sorry for myself, but because i know so many others like this. and they don't see...that THIS IS THE ENEMY! THESE ARE SATAN'S LIES!!!! WE MUST BE FREE FROM THE PARALIZING PAIN FROM THOUGHTS AND WORDS, AND ACTIONS OF OTHERS THAT HURT US!! even the ones that make us feel good..we must not become so dependant upon the feelings of others' approval of us! i am "fearfully and wonderfully made"(Psalm 139).....my Abba Father created me perfectly. i need no one's love, i need no one's approval...if all were stripped away, and all i had was the love of a Creator that gave His Son for ME, that is enough. HE IS ENOUGH! HIS THOUGHTS OF ME ARE ENOUGH!!!! NO MAN OR WOMAN CAN GIVE ME THE LOVE THAT HE DOES, NOR THE APPROVAL....NO MATTER HOW I ACT!!! He is gracious, and wants us to be free in Him!!!
He is showing me how to be free...to GIVE love, acceptance, approval TO others. not focus on GETTING these things...but to give and allow His love inside of me to overflow and bubble up on those around me. this "rehab program" that He's taking me through is HARD. sometimes i get little to nothing from the people i need it from the most. but that's not the point. the point is to set me free, not them, and though sometimes the love i give is through gritted teeth and a humble heart, i know His ways are best. and the way i was living was a most painful prison.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
hopefulness? or hopelessness?
i love that feeling i get when the sky is full of gray clouds, and then i catch a glimpse of patchy blue showing its face from behind the veil of darkness. it's the same feeling i get when i see david's first smile or hear him say a kind word to me after a fight. it happens after a repentant prayer, crying out for His mercy. it's called hope. and nothing can match it, and nothing can beat it, and there's nothing like it. without hope, life is a torture chamber for prisoners of war.
have you ever met someone stripped down to naked hopelessness? have you ever looked into the eyes of someone in so much pain that they felt it would be more beneficial to die than to take another breath of air? or someone that has given up with no intention on doing anything but go through the motions of life? they've lost their hope.
have you met the one who, despite trial and tribulation, finds something to smile about? no matter what this life does to them, they just keep fighting, keeping their head up...they have hope.
which are you?
have you ever met someone stripped down to naked hopelessness? have you ever looked into the eyes of someone in so much pain that they felt it would be more beneficial to die than to take another breath of air? or someone that has given up with no intention on doing anything but go through the motions of life? they've lost their hope.
have you met the one who, despite trial and tribulation, finds something to smile about? no matter what this life does to them, they just keep fighting, keeping their head up...they have hope.
which are you?
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in GOD; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my GOD.—Psalm 42:11
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in GOD; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my GOD.—Psalm 42:11
For you, O LORD, are my hope,
my trust, O LORD, from my youth.
my trust, O LORD, from my youth.
May the GOD of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
the resurrection of the dead
i have written about this in pieces for the past year. it's a subject that so many can relate to, a topic that hits home more than we'd like to admit. but maybe this blog won't be about this particular event in my life, maybe it will be about resurrection of the dead. because what can be more lifeless than a dead marriage and what can give us more hope than a resurrection of that relationship?
david left me in 2007 for about a month. i thought my heart, my guts, my very lungs were being sucked out of my body. it was truly the darkest time in my life, i was positive i would never live to smile again. you see back then, i had made david my god, my idol...and instead of putting my Savior first in my life (refer to the first commandment, "thou shalt NOT put any god before Me"), He very mercifully, removed david from me. i have no doubt that the pain i felt in '07 was a direct result of the mercy of my Father, because yes, it was the most painful time of my life, but i had never had to depend on my GOD like that before. i had never needed Him to literally breathe in me because i couldn't breathe myself. and in the darkness, there was so much peace, there was so much of His presence surrounding me, giving me strength that i balked at because i thought, "no, that's not me. i'm not that strong." and yet, His strength was made perfect in my weakness. david and i did reconcile (obviously), but i had come out the other side stronger, closer to my Creator, a brand new thing had happened in me and i had no idea at the time how i would be able to minister and help others in the months and years to come that were going through the exact same thing.
fast forward to spring 2010. i couldn't do it any more. be married to this man, our rough times were not behind us, but growing ever larger with every passing day. i couldn't do it. to carry on in my marriage would mean emotional and mental suicide. so i left. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my entire life, to take our two daughters and move out. it was also the best thing i could've ever done for david. no, i wasn't perfect in our marriage, but there were things i refused to live with any longer..and once i was gone, david was left with no one but himself, forced to look long and hard in a mirror of self-reflection.
2 days after i left, i passed david on the road. he was driving so fast, and i remember texting him to "slow down PLEASE." he never responded and i went about my friday night, going to my best friend's house and eating dinner. next thing i know he texts me and says we needed to talk, and that he was pulling in the driveway. gripped with fear of the unknown, i walked outside and into his truck. i told jill and alicia, "if i'm not back in 10 minutes, come get me." what happened next was the very last thing i could have ever expected.
you see, for many years i prayed for david's salvation. for his turning towards the Light. i knew that if he did, my life would be so much better and easier to handle. how selfish were those prayers. of course i didn't want him going to hell, because i do most certainly believe that our Messiah is the Way, the Truth, the Life and the ONLY way to the Father is through Him. there were countless tears shed, too many notes in my Bible to count regarding my prayers for david, and many prayer requests given for him. there were fists pointed towards heaven begging GOD, pleading with Him to please get through to my husband. i remember one Easter sunday when david came to see a play at our church, and during the invitation/altar call i went back stage and hid in a room; i fell to my knees and with my face on the floor i begged for david to turn his life over ..there was a large puddle of tear drops underneath my face. everytime i pass that room at church now, the gratefulness i feel...but wait..i haven't gotten there yet.....
staring at david's tear-stained face shocked me. i knew he had been devastated over the loss of his family, but to see him broken like that put a knife in my heart. i stayed hard though, in that truck, showing him i was still making the right decision and no matter what he had to say, i wasn't gonna come back home, no matter what. he started telling me of his night, when he passed me on the road he was going to renny's house (the pastor at my church), just for someone to talk to. nothing more, nothing less. and in those moments of sadness, confusion, clarity, and hope in pastor renny's office, my husband surrendered himself to salvation giving him a new life with a new Master and a new vision. he kept saying he wasn't in control anymore. that he never was, that he finally had peace now and no matter what happened with us, while he desperatley wanted us to come back home, he had peace, and he was going to be okay. i sat there, numb. i had this insane notion that if david was saved, it would be in some grandiose gesture at church, flinging himself on the altar while a legion of angels would be singing "Hallelujah" in the choir loft......oh, but i know those angels were singing in heaven over my david just the same... i didn't know how to respond. even my "wow, that's amazing" sounded hollow and insincere. it was may 14, 2010.
2 weeks after that i moved back home. the past year has been a brand new marriage, and i have a brand new husband. things are not perfect and romantic and amazing all the time. we struggle, we fight, we distance each other...but this time, we get back up. no more pain of the past, because after all, it is the past. and what was in the past is no more.
the Word eludes to the fact that our marriage on earth is to be a direct reflection of our relationship with our Savior. that a marriage is the single most important relationship we can ever have. it's meant to be the most fulfilling, the most cherished, the most nurtured relationship to ever be held in our grasp. so many of us, including me, look to see what we can GET in our marriage...when we should be focused on what we can GIVE in our marriage. i don't know your situation, but i'm here to tell you to never give up. sometimes we must let go, but we never give up. GOD can resurrect your dead marriage..He can give hope to the infertile, He can breathe life into the depressed. My Savior offers rest to the weary, compassion to the broken...HE RESURRECTS WHAT WE THINK IS DEAD, AND IMPOSSIBLE, AND HOPELESS. please have hope. please don't give up. please know that the One who created you, can create a new thing in you. He is more powerful, more worthy, more wonderful than you can ever grasp. and He still resurrects that which is dead.
Side note: this of course isn't all the story..there's so many secret things that my GOD did behind the scenes that i now see in hindsight to soften david's heart, and to soften mine. there's so much more than what is written here, and if you have any questions or just want to talk, let me know. i would love to share with you more, i would love in return to hear your story. He resurrects, He resurrects, He resurrects.....
david left me in 2007 for about a month. i thought my heart, my guts, my very lungs were being sucked out of my body. it was truly the darkest time in my life, i was positive i would never live to smile again. you see back then, i had made david my god, my idol...and instead of putting my Savior first in my life (refer to the first commandment, "thou shalt NOT put any god before Me"), He very mercifully, removed david from me. i have no doubt that the pain i felt in '07 was a direct result of the mercy of my Father, because yes, it was the most painful time of my life, but i had never had to depend on my GOD like that before. i had never needed Him to literally breathe in me because i couldn't breathe myself. and in the darkness, there was so much peace, there was so much of His presence surrounding me, giving me strength that i balked at because i thought, "no, that's not me. i'm not that strong." and yet, His strength was made perfect in my weakness. david and i did reconcile (obviously), but i had come out the other side stronger, closer to my Creator, a brand new thing had happened in me and i had no idea at the time how i would be able to minister and help others in the months and years to come that were going through the exact same thing.
fast forward to spring 2010. i couldn't do it any more. be married to this man, our rough times were not behind us, but growing ever larger with every passing day. i couldn't do it. to carry on in my marriage would mean emotional and mental suicide. so i left. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done in my entire life, to take our two daughters and move out. it was also the best thing i could've ever done for david. no, i wasn't perfect in our marriage, but there were things i refused to live with any longer..and once i was gone, david was left with no one but himself, forced to look long and hard in a mirror of self-reflection.
2 days after i left, i passed david on the road. he was driving so fast, and i remember texting him to "slow down PLEASE." he never responded and i went about my friday night, going to my best friend's house and eating dinner. next thing i know he texts me and says we needed to talk, and that he was pulling in the driveway. gripped with fear of the unknown, i walked outside and into his truck. i told jill and alicia, "if i'm not back in 10 minutes, come get me." what happened next was the very last thing i could have ever expected.
you see, for many years i prayed for david's salvation. for his turning towards the Light. i knew that if he did, my life would be so much better and easier to handle. how selfish were those prayers. of course i didn't want him going to hell, because i do most certainly believe that our Messiah is the Way, the Truth, the Life and the ONLY way to the Father is through Him. there were countless tears shed, too many notes in my Bible to count regarding my prayers for david, and many prayer requests given for him. there were fists pointed towards heaven begging GOD, pleading with Him to please get through to my husband. i remember one Easter sunday when david came to see a play at our church, and during the invitation/altar call i went back stage and hid in a room; i fell to my knees and with my face on the floor i begged for david to turn his life over ..there was a large puddle of tear drops underneath my face. everytime i pass that room at church now, the gratefulness i feel...but wait..i haven't gotten there yet.....
staring at david's tear-stained face shocked me. i knew he had been devastated over the loss of his family, but to see him broken like that put a knife in my heart. i stayed hard though, in that truck, showing him i was still making the right decision and no matter what he had to say, i wasn't gonna come back home, no matter what. he started telling me of his night, when he passed me on the road he was going to renny's house (the pastor at my church), just for someone to talk to. nothing more, nothing less. and in those moments of sadness, confusion, clarity, and hope in pastor renny's office, my husband surrendered himself to salvation giving him a new life with a new Master and a new vision. he kept saying he wasn't in control anymore. that he never was, that he finally had peace now and no matter what happened with us, while he desperatley wanted us to come back home, he had peace, and he was going to be okay. i sat there, numb. i had this insane notion that if david was saved, it would be in some grandiose gesture at church, flinging himself on the altar while a legion of angels would be singing "Hallelujah" in the choir loft......oh, but i know those angels were singing in heaven over my david just the same... i didn't know how to respond. even my "wow, that's amazing" sounded hollow and insincere. it was may 14, 2010.
2 weeks after that i moved back home. the past year has been a brand new marriage, and i have a brand new husband. things are not perfect and romantic and amazing all the time. we struggle, we fight, we distance each other...but this time, we get back up. no more pain of the past, because after all, it is the past. and what was in the past is no more.
the Word eludes to the fact that our marriage on earth is to be a direct reflection of our relationship with our Savior. that a marriage is the single most important relationship we can ever have. it's meant to be the most fulfilling, the most cherished, the most nurtured relationship to ever be held in our grasp. so many of us, including me, look to see what we can GET in our marriage...when we should be focused on what we can GIVE in our marriage. i don't know your situation, but i'm here to tell you to never give up. sometimes we must let go, but we never give up. GOD can resurrect your dead marriage..He can give hope to the infertile, He can breathe life into the depressed. My Savior offers rest to the weary, compassion to the broken...HE RESURRECTS WHAT WE THINK IS DEAD, AND IMPOSSIBLE, AND HOPELESS. please have hope. please don't give up. please know that the One who created you, can create a new thing in you. He is more powerful, more worthy, more wonderful than you can ever grasp. and He still resurrects that which is dead.
Side note: this of course isn't all the story..there's so many secret things that my GOD did behind the scenes that i now see in hindsight to soften david's heart, and to soften mine. there's so much more than what is written here, and if you have any questions or just want to talk, let me know. i would love to share with you more, i would love in return to hear your story. He resurrects, He resurrects, He resurrects.....
Saturday, May 7, 2011
the daisies are back
the daisies are back. it had been almost a year to the day since i took a walk on this small country road off to the right.
nearly 2 years ago, a lady disappeared and her remains had later been discovered where she had been taking a walk on a similar country road not far from our house. ever since then, david has refused i take a right turn out of our drive-way to walk, since it's all mountains and woods, and has instead insisted i only take a left turn where the road is dotted with houses and, well, less woods. in fact, i've been told by my husband i will *not* be hiking alone ever, unless of course it's when i take a left hand turn out of the driveway. it's more of him saying "i refuse to have you kidnapped, mauled by a bear, or worse. not on my watch, not in your lifetime." you may call that controlling, but i melt at these words because i know it's coming from a romantically protective place.
but last year, may 14th, i rebelled and took a right hand turn while david was at work. i walked out of the driveway that was no longer mine, since i had taken our daughters and walked out on our marriage for reasons i'd rather gouge my eyes out than say, and i turned right. i had come by that saturday morning to get more things to take to my sister's house, and i remember feeling the need to turn right. i am an explorer, a questioner, and if i'm told one thing, i must do the other. david always said i never listened until it was too late...i wonder if my mom and God ever thought that about me too....
so i strapped my sneakers on and walked down our gravel driveway onto the country road full of woods and wildy growing daisies. i picked several that day, along with some heavenly smelling pink flowers that i would later put into a glass for david to enjoy after i left. like some pathetic way of saying "i'm sorry i left you and that you hurt so much. here are some flowers."
but this story isn't about my life last year, ending a marriage with david and yet beginning a marriage with him all within a few months. this is about today. and the daisies, and the fact that i hadn't taken a right out of the driveway since last year. and looky there...the daisies have come back. all the while, i can hear david's voice asking what if something bad happened to me, and did i tell anyone for goodness sake that i was going for a hike???? this reminded me of when i went to haiti last fall on a mission trip. david reiterated over and over to "never walk off by yourself, darlena. i mean it. i know how you are. never ever walk off by yourself." those words echoed in my soul as i would often walk off alone several times during that week with nothing but a flashlight and the bright moon above me. sometimes david's voice would be so loud i would tell him to shut up, i would be fine by myself, walking on foreign land with only a flashlight. sometimes my need to push the envelope is a deep hidden drive to see just how far i can go..i still wonder if this will ever be a good trait of mine.
i walked, smiled at the daisies, determined to pick some on my way home. then the smell came, the air so thick and heavy and rich with honeysuckle breath that i thought i would faint. honeysuckles have always been my favorite flower for the simple reason that my mother bought me a 'my little pony' named 'honeysuckle' when i was only 3 or 4 years old. i didn't even know what that was, but i loved the name, and now these flowers have a power over me that only Heaven knows. still smiling, i knew i was coming up to the bush where i picked those heavenly smelling pink flowers last year. i spotted them and ran like my legs were on fire. within seconds i had stripped away a huge bunch of the flowers, just to remember the smell...the smell of a lifetime ago when my whole world changed.
wait, what's that trail? i've never noticed it before. there was an opening in the woods that seemed new. i had to check it out, right? it would've been a shame to walk past this invitation from the woods to come play, right? i had to jump over a large culvert to get to the trail, and immediatley i spotted the yellow "POSTED-PRIVATE PROPERTY. ANY VIOLATERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!" eh, i didn't care. i wanted to know where this trail led. i took my sunglasses off since i was shaded by so many trees, and began my mini-adventure. oh if david could see me now. hiking by myself, and trespassing. immediatley the woods seemed angry i accepted its invitation. i heard buzzing noises and bugs flying every which way in order to warn the others about a human in their midst. branches were snapping and leaves were rustling. i had invaded the privacy of this untouched land.
i felt like a child in a brand new dimension. i stayed fully aware for any sign of houses, or cars, or a man with a shotgun in camo saying "git off my lan'!!" but all the while i was mesmerized by the green, the multiple trees that fell due to storms. just lying there, forgotten. huge root systems bigger than myself. i was cloaked with spider webs, and sweat. i didn't care. i felt, free. i kept going, not wanting to turn around, not wanting to continue. what if someone catches me all the way out here...what if there's a wild animal, what if i get bit by a snake and pass out...who would find me? somehow none of this mattered enough for me to change course and head home. i just kept moving ahead, my heart thumping out of my chest from a mixture of adrenaline and the mountainous incline. i finally reached a point where the trail just stopped, abruptly and without warning. several trees were down, so i climbed over all of them, even an oak that looked at least 100 years old before it plumetted to its death on the forest floor. but even after all the jumping over trees, there was no trail. disappointed i wondered if i should continue on in the woods, or if i should turn back. i must have stood there weighing this thought for atleast 60 seconds, when i realized i needed to go home. and back down the trail i went. slower this time, taking pictures with my cell phone and wondering if i had contracted poison ivy. i tried my best to get all of the sticky web off of me to no avail, so i started working on my hair, praying i wouldn't find any ticks. but really, none of that would've really mattered. what mattered was i took a right hand turn, and everything was okay.
when the trail came back to the road, i stood there a moment, my eyes adjusting to the bright sun. slipping my sunglasses back on i promised myself i would be back. i had to come back, because the daisies were back.
nearly 2 years ago, a lady disappeared and her remains had later been discovered where she had been taking a walk on a similar country road not far from our house. ever since then, david has refused i take a right turn out of our drive-way to walk, since it's all mountains and woods, and has instead insisted i only take a left turn where the road is dotted with houses and, well, less woods. in fact, i've been told by my husband i will *not* be hiking alone ever, unless of course it's when i take a left hand turn out of the driveway. it's more of him saying "i refuse to have you kidnapped, mauled by a bear, or worse. not on my watch, not in your lifetime." you may call that controlling, but i melt at these words because i know it's coming from a romantically protective place.
but last year, may 14th, i rebelled and took a right hand turn while david was at work. i walked out of the driveway that was no longer mine, since i had taken our daughters and walked out on our marriage for reasons i'd rather gouge my eyes out than say, and i turned right. i had come by that saturday morning to get more things to take to my sister's house, and i remember feeling the need to turn right. i am an explorer, a questioner, and if i'm told one thing, i must do the other. david always said i never listened until it was too late...i wonder if my mom and God ever thought that about me too....
so i strapped my sneakers on and walked down our gravel driveway onto the country road full of woods and wildy growing daisies. i picked several that day, along with some heavenly smelling pink flowers that i would later put into a glass for david to enjoy after i left. like some pathetic way of saying "i'm sorry i left you and that you hurt so much. here are some flowers."
but this story isn't about my life last year, ending a marriage with david and yet beginning a marriage with him all within a few months. this is about today. and the daisies, and the fact that i hadn't taken a right out of the driveway since last year. and looky there...the daisies have come back. all the while, i can hear david's voice asking what if something bad happened to me, and did i tell anyone for goodness sake that i was going for a hike???? this reminded me of when i went to haiti last fall on a mission trip. david reiterated over and over to "never walk off by yourself, darlena. i mean it. i know how you are. never ever walk off by yourself." those words echoed in my soul as i would often walk off alone several times during that week with nothing but a flashlight and the bright moon above me. sometimes david's voice would be so loud i would tell him to shut up, i would be fine by myself, walking on foreign land with only a flashlight. sometimes my need to push the envelope is a deep hidden drive to see just how far i can go..i still wonder if this will ever be a good trait of mine.
i walked, smiled at the daisies, determined to pick some on my way home. then the smell came, the air so thick and heavy and rich with honeysuckle breath that i thought i would faint. honeysuckles have always been my favorite flower for the simple reason that my mother bought me a 'my little pony' named 'honeysuckle' when i was only 3 or 4 years old. i didn't even know what that was, but i loved the name, and now these flowers have a power over me that only Heaven knows. still smiling, i knew i was coming up to the bush where i picked those heavenly smelling pink flowers last year. i spotted them and ran like my legs were on fire. within seconds i had stripped away a huge bunch of the flowers, just to remember the smell...the smell of a lifetime ago when my whole world changed.
wait, what's that trail? i've never noticed it before. there was an opening in the woods that seemed new. i had to check it out, right? it would've been a shame to walk past this invitation from the woods to come play, right? i had to jump over a large culvert to get to the trail, and immediatley i spotted the yellow "POSTED-PRIVATE PROPERTY. ANY VIOLATERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!" eh, i didn't care. i wanted to know where this trail led. i took my sunglasses off since i was shaded by so many trees, and began my mini-adventure. oh if david could see me now. hiking by myself, and trespassing. immediatley the woods seemed angry i accepted its invitation. i heard buzzing noises and bugs flying every which way in order to warn the others about a human in their midst. branches were snapping and leaves were rustling. i had invaded the privacy of this untouched land.
i felt like a child in a brand new dimension. i stayed fully aware for any sign of houses, or cars, or a man with a shotgun in camo saying "git off my lan'!!" but all the while i was mesmerized by the green, the multiple trees that fell due to storms. just lying there, forgotten. huge root systems bigger than myself. i was cloaked with spider webs, and sweat. i didn't care. i felt, free. i kept going, not wanting to turn around, not wanting to continue. what if someone catches me all the way out here...what if there's a wild animal, what if i get bit by a snake and pass out...who would find me? somehow none of this mattered enough for me to change course and head home. i just kept moving ahead, my heart thumping out of my chest from a mixture of adrenaline and the mountainous incline. i finally reached a point where the trail just stopped, abruptly and without warning. several trees were down, so i climbed over all of them, even an oak that looked at least 100 years old before it plumetted to its death on the forest floor. but even after all the jumping over trees, there was no trail. disappointed i wondered if i should continue on in the woods, or if i should turn back. i must have stood there weighing this thought for atleast 60 seconds, when i realized i needed to go home. and back down the trail i went. slower this time, taking pictures with my cell phone and wondering if i had contracted poison ivy. i tried my best to get all of the sticky web off of me to no avail, so i started working on my hair, praying i wouldn't find any ticks. but really, none of that would've really mattered. what mattered was i took a right hand turn, and everything was okay.
when the trail came back to the road, i stood there a moment, my eyes adjusting to the bright sun. slipping my sunglasses back on i promised myself i would be back. i had to come back, because the daisies were back.
Friday, May 6, 2011
my mother
purity. if i could sum my mother up in one word, it would be that; purity. or some other version of the word, pure, genuine, authentic, what the Jews would call "kosher"..dare i say, perfect? of course no one is perfect, and certainly not my mother. my relationship with my mom is mine. it may not be yours, it may be something you can relate to, something you think is far-fetched and conjured up by an insane imagination, but it's true and it's mine and i nurture it like i would a 2-pound baby small enough to fit into my palm.
my mom would pick me up from school as a young child and go to the post office, nearly every day. you know, before you could pay bills on line, and when people actually wrote LETTERS back and forth to one another. i would stay in the car and "hide" in the floorboard, tucked up into a little rolly-polly type ball. every time we went to the post office, i did this. and every time, she would get back in the car and say "where's my little darlena? oh no! i hope she didn't run away! darlena, darlena, where are you?" and i would, every time, pop up and laugh and smile and say "here i am!" and she would proceed to tell me what a little stinker i was and we would laugh some more. it's funny how the small things like that stay with a person.
she made birthdays the most special. we never had a lot of money, and i can't remember to save my life any birthday gift i ever received. but what i do remember are homemade cakes. betty crocker, or duncan hines, or whatever was on sale..those cakes made every birthday seem the like the best day ever. she would let me have a few friends over and it was just me, and a cake and friends, and because of her, i felt like the most important child in the world. this is why my children receive homemade cakes on their birthdays. store bought cakes are great, but i pass on this tradition because i want my daughters to feel every bit as special as i always did.
i remember waking up to sweet kisses and "good morning, precious." that's what my mom to this day calls me; "precious." i remember her consoling me after my hamster died and i thought my world was ending...i learned about death that day. i remember an overwhelming sense of protection over her and what we had as mother/daughter. chocolate pancakes, and old navy shopping trips, listening ears, and rightful punishments. i remember the slap she gave me, once when i was arrested (i was 14 and shoplifted, and i still hurt from that slap sometimes), and another time when she caught me smoking in my room. i remember secretly despising her when she'd forbidden me to see a friend who she thought would damage my youth...and now i see she was right. i recall doing things to her that pained her and hurt her so very much that her heart must have bled for a very long time as a result. the anger she had when i told her i was pregnant (and 18), probably envisioning the worst possible future for me. i can't remember everything, and yet i remember everything. i mostly remember the way she made me feel. to say i felt "loved" is so cliche, it's so mundane, it's so ordinarily normal. no, i can't say that i felt loved, even though i did, more than anyone, so deeply and widely and fully and wholly. it was more like, passionatley and fiercely adored. yes, she adored me. and i adored her. and till now, we still adore each other more than ever.
when i turned 16, she told me she was sad that i would never need her again like i did when i was a younger child. i'll never forget that conversation in the living room of our small apartment, staring at the green carpet. she compared me to my nephew justin, and how he needed my then sister-in-law. he was just a small boy then. she was envious of the way the boy needed his mother. she said i would never act that way toward her again, and she missed it terribly. at the time, i blew off that conversation. but i think on it from time to time. especially now as a nearly 30 year old woman who so desperatley hungers and thirsts for her mother, i need her so much more than i could have ever needed her as a child. life is harder now. it hurts more. and while she may not be kissing my skinned knees any longer, she somehow manages to kiss my very heart with her tender words and kind laughter. she is the most brave, courageous, independent woman i know. the most beautiful, the most kind, the most intelligent. she is so many things that i could never ever have the time to sit and write. and i sit here at my desk, and i cry from the overwhelming emotion of who i have been blessed with as my mother. purity.
oh dear, precious Savior..please please let my daughters see me as i see my own mother.
my mom would pick me up from school as a young child and go to the post office, nearly every day. you know, before you could pay bills on line, and when people actually wrote LETTERS back and forth to one another. i would stay in the car and "hide" in the floorboard, tucked up into a little rolly-polly type ball. every time we went to the post office, i did this. and every time, she would get back in the car and say "where's my little darlena? oh no! i hope she didn't run away! darlena, darlena, where are you?" and i would, every time, pop up and laugh and smile and say "here i am!" and she would proceed to tell me what a little stinker i was and we would laugh some more. it's funny how the small things like that stay with a person.
she made birthdays the most special. we never had a lot of money, and i can't remember to save my life any birthday gift i ever received. but what i do remember are homemade cakes. betty crocker, or duncan hines, or whatever was on sale..those cakes made every birthday seem the like the best day ever. she would let me have a few friends over and it was just me, and a cake and friends, and because of her, i felt like the most important child in the world. this is why my children receive homemade cakes on their birthdays. store bought cakes are great, but i pass on this tradition because i want my daughters to feel every bit as special as i always did.
i remember waking up to sweet kisses and "good morning, precious." that's what my mom to this day calls me; "precious." i remember her consoling me after my hamster died and i thought my world was ending...i learned about death that day. i remember an overwhelming sense of protection over her and what we had as mother/daughter. chocolate pancakes, and old navy shopping trips, listening ears, and rightful punishments. i remember the slap she gave me, once when i was arrested (i was 14 and shoplifted, and i still hurt from that slap sometimes), and another time when she caught me smoking in my room. i remember secretly despising her when she'd forbidden me to see a friend who she thought would damage my youth...and now i see she was right. i recall doing things to her that pained her and hurt her so very much that her heart must have bled for a very long time as a result. the anger she had when i told her i was pregnant (and 18), probably envisioning the worst possible future for me. i can't remember everything, and yet i remember everything. i mostly remember the way she made me feel. to say i felt "loved" is so cliche, it's so mundane, it's so ordinarily normal. no, i can't say that i felt loved, even though i did, more than anyone, so deeply and widely and fully and wholly. it was more like, passionatley and fiercely adored. yes, she adored me. and i adored her. and till now, we still adore each other more than ever.
when i turned 16, she told me she was sad that i would never need her again like i did when i was a younger child. i'll never forget that conversation in the living room of our small apartment, staring at the green carpet. she compared me to my nephew justin, and how he needed my then sister-in-law. he was just a small boy then. she was envious of the way the boy needed his mother. she said i would never act that way toward her again, and she missed it terribly. at the time, i blew off that conversation. but i think on it from time to time. especially now as a nearly 30 year old woman who so desperatley hungers and thirsts for her mother, i need her so much more than i could have ever needed her as a child. life is harder now. it hurts more. and while she may not be kissing my skinned knees any longer, she somehow manages to kiss my very heart with her tender words and kind laughter. she is the most brave, courageous, independent woman i know. the most beautiful, the most kind, the most intelligent. she is so many things that i could never ever have the time to sit and write. and i sit here at my desk, and i cry from the overwhelming emotion of who i have been blessed with as my mother. purity.
oh dear, precious Savior..please please let my daughters see me as i see my own mother.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
heavy heart, hopeful verse
an old friend of mine is dying. my brother was nearly in a car accident that could have taken his life today. another friend's marriage is falling apart. people mere miles from me have lost their homes, jobs, schools, some friends and some family due to tornadoes that shook their world to its core. the world seems to be dissolving before our very eyes due to weather, tragedy, evilness and cruelty, starvation and war.
all of these horrible things, so many terribly unfair pieces of life. so many selfish people unwilling to reach out, too many stuck in their own small worlds, too many hurting to help another one in greater need than they. lady complaining behind me today in line because she only had "one item" and she couldn't believe the "rudeness of some people not letting her cut in front of them" (speaking of me, to me... who by the had been waiting in that very line before she even got up there for a good 6 minutes due to the very slow lady in front of me, and i had to get back to work, while the lady who was griping about me TO me finally went to another line where she checked out before i did, and was still in her car smoking a cigarette and chatting on her cell phone even after i exited the parking lot. some hurry she was in, huh?) mother yelling at her son last night at t-ball practice that "only babies cry, and you need to hush right now or i'm going to jerk you off of that field!!!!" for all of the other parents and children to hear. mean men abusing their wives, beating their children...cruel people who say cruel things...women who bash and gossip about other women because they're secretly jealous. the list goes on. it's never ending. things, i have been guilty of...
and here i am wanting to write about hope. i NEED to write about hope. because the weight of the aforementioned items alone can cause a soul to wrap itself so tightly in self-inflicted chains, it may never be free. there's a long list of verses i can list from the Bible. encouraging, uplifting Scriptures.words that have the power to heal, the power to bleed love through a stone-walled heart. but i won't do that tonight. too many verses come to mind, all at once, like flying gnats all around me. i'm swarmed by the words in His Word, but instead of swatting these "gnats" out of my face, i allow them to attack me. i breathe in these words, i let them fly up my nose, in my ears, and straight into my mouth. i want to take a bath in these words. there is one Scripture that always comes to mind in moments like these. it's a special verse just for me, and i hold it close to my heart so that it never ever slips away. Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him, whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." perfect peace, steadfast mind, on what? on Him. on His Son. on His goodness. on His hope. perfect peace. keep my mind on Him. not impatient ladies in line, not dying friends,not what ifs, not the trouble in the world...on Him.
all of these horrible things, so many terribly unfair pieces of life. so many selfish people unwilling to reach out, too many stuck in their own small worlds, too many hurting to help another one in greater need than they. lady complaining behind me today in line because she only had "one item" and she couldn't believe the "rudeness of some people not letting her cut in front of them" (speaking of me, to me... who by the had been waiting in that very line before she even got up there for a good 6 minutes due to the very slow lady in front of me, and i had to get back to work, while the lady who was griping about me TO me finally went to another line where she checked out before i did, and was still in her car smoking a cigarette and chatting on her cell phone even after i exited the parking lot. some hurry she was in, huh?) mother yelling at her son last night at t-ball practice that "only babies cry, and you need to hush right now or i'm going to jerk you off of that field!!!!" for all of the other parents and children to hear. mean men abusing their wives, beating their children...cruel people who say cruel things...women who bash and gossip about other women because they're secretly jealous. the list goes on. it's never ending. things, i have been guilty of...
and here i am wanting to write about hope. i NEED to write about hope. because the weight of the aforementioned items alone can cause a soul to wrap itself so tightly in self-inflicted chains, it may never be free. there's a long list of verses i can list from the Bible. encouraging, uplifting Scriptures.words that have the power to heal, the power to bleed love through a stone-walled heart. but i won't do that tonight. too many verses come to mind, all at once, like flying gnats all around me. i'm swarmed by the words in His Word, but instead of swatting these "gnats" out of my face, i allow them to attack me. i breathe in these words, i let them fly up my nose, in my ears, and straight into my mouth. i want to take a bath in these words. there is one Scripture that always comes to mind in moments like these. it's a special verse just for me, and i hold it close to my heart so that it never ever slips away. Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him, whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." perfect peace, steadfast mind, on what? on Him. on His Son. on His goodness. on His hope. perfect peace. keep my mind on Him. not impatient ladies in line, not dying friends,not what ifs, not the trouble in the world...on Him.
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