just one?

last sunday was the first Easter in the past 2 years that i haven't been involved with a drama production at church. i've taken a break from drama (looking forward to getting back into it though), so this year i was just an observer of the service. there was great worship, and a sermon about end times...not a typical sunday "Easter" sermon, but a great one none-the-less.

at the end, when it was time for the altar call, my mind flashed back to the past two years, standing back- stage after my drama performance with my fellow actors and directors, praying, crying, seeking for just one soul to be saved as a result of what the people had seen on stage. to my great delight, both years, there were several ones that came to salvation through the production...last year i think there was a total of 22!!! WOW! ....so i'm standing there, praying, crying, seeking...and pastor renny gives the altar call, and he says "God bless you" (what he says after someone lifts up there hand as if to signify they have just made THE most important decision of their entire life). and then, that's it. just one. just one "God bless you." i kept expecting more. please renny, say it again, let me know there was more than just one person saved in this service, one isn't enough...let there be more. please please please, one isn't enough.

but there was just the one. and i was sad. there was momentary guilt that screamed at me "if you had been directing drama like you were, and you produced a play this year...this would've never happened! there would've been more, darlena! you gave up on drama, and therefore gave up on souls being saved!" but then i quickly realized that was the enemy lying to me, and how dare i put myself through that guilt, and above the pastor of the church! how dare i think that if *I* did a drama production this year, there would be more souls saved...how dare i put myself in the place of the Holy Spirit. but i did...even back-stage the past two years. when i was praying, seeking, crying...i was really hoping that what i did on stage was enough to save a person's soul.

but the truth of the matter is, it has nothing to do WITH ME. sure, i'm being used by our Father to minister to others, to reach out in the darkness and pick people out of the pit..but ultimatley their decision to follow  Him is just that; THEIR'S.

and what about that "one" that was saved on sunday? since when was "just one" not enough? since when, did our Savior look around and say, "what? just ONE was saved? what's WRONG WITH YOU???" how much is one soul worth? how much does one soul cost? what is the price of one life being snatched out of hell? why does quantity matter all of a sudden? since when is one not enough?

the reality is that ONE, whoever they were, mattered! they matter now! they will matter! one is enough! we should always strive to see more come to know the sweet peace of our Father, but one is enough. one soul, one life, one eternity MATTERS! one IS enough, for the weight of one life is so very great.

rainboots...BARBIE rainboots

it has been a week since i last wrote. so much has happened, but how do i put into words what has been happening in my soul? i don't. result? no posts. but now here i am, embarking on a 3 day weekend, coffee in hand, rain falling on the roof, and i'm writing. maybe this bandaid of idle words will cover up the wound of not being able to put what has actually happened/is happening on "paper." so here i write, and the only thing on my mind, the freshest thing on my mind, is my talk with 10 year old on the way to school this morning. (snow make-up day for them, quiet off-day for me)

"get your rain boots on this morning" -me
"can i just wear tennis shoes?" -10 yr old daughter
she hasn't been wearing her rain boots lately...hmm....
"has someone been making fun of you for wearing them? you love those rain boots!"- me
"well, yes kinda, i mean, it's just that some people say 'why is there BARBIE on your rainboots?' "
okay yes, barbie rain boots i bought her...BUT, they are light pink with tiny little black barbie sillouhetes, the classic/vintage style with barbie's hair in a pony tail, way chic and not at all too young for a 10 year old. *sigh* what to do? what to do?
"okay listen, put them on and i will tell you why on the way to school."

so for 7 minutes to school, i talked non stop about her boots, and how much she loved them at first, and we even made a special trip to a store that wasn't close to us to exchange them for another size because she wanted them sooooo bad. then we talked about the jealousy of others and sometimes kids feel the need to make you like them if they are threatened you might be just a bit cooler than they. and one kid in particular, a little girl, i know for a fact she always gets hand-me-downs, which is perfectly fine, but maybe she feels a little sad about not having brand new rain boots, and having to wear SNOW BOOTS in the spring, in the rain, so she wants to make my daughter feel bad about hers. and then i told her, "look, if they're boys that are making fun of you, don't let it bother you. boys have NO sense of fashion whatsoever!" and then of course i went through my famous "tell them you don't care what they think as long as you feel good and like them" speech that i've been giving since the 10 yr old was first told by another girl in preschool "i don't wanna play with you" and it broke my daughter's heart and i had to instruct her "tell her you don't care if she wants to play with you or not, you have other friends." i even went as far as saying, "i'm pretty sure GOD approves of your boots, and really in the end that's ALL that matters!!!" but then really and truly i know how she feels because i have this jessica simpson purse that is RASPBERRY PURPLE and i have had a few ugly comments made about it, and it hurts and sucks, but i still carry it everyday because i adore it. but still, words about someone's clothes is just ugly and mean and sometimes what they have is all they have. sure, my daughter could've worn tennis shoes today, but then, THEY WIN. the haters i called them. hatin' on my daughter. by the time 7 minutes was up and we were at her school, i was telling her in so many words "look, it comes down to this. if one kid says one thing, tell them i want to talk to them. so give them my phone number and let them know i'd be happy to discuss with them the etiquette of humans and the rudeness of words that cut deep." 

so there you have it. my first post in a week and it's about my lame attempt at making my daughter feel better about a source of hurt. she got out of the car smiling but i still felt like a big fat failure. i know she hasn't told me before because either A. she thought my feelings would be hurt if she didn't want to wear the boots anymore..or...B. she knew i'd be TICKED and probably embarass her which i so often do with my "momma bear" attitude. either way, it pains me to know she has been keeping this from me. can't wait until early dismissal this afternoon so i can talk to her more....and maybe get the phone numbers to every kid in her class......

seriously? --a list of blessings

teared up tonight while putting groceries away. i'm always deeply, achingly grateful for just being able to put food in my fridge, but for some reason, tonight i got really really overwhelmed by it all. i mean, i have groceries. i have a warm, dry home tonight. my girls are safe, david and i are safe. i have an amazing supportive family and friends, real and true friends. we have jobs, and vehicles. we are so stinkin healthy; me, david and the girls. beds to sleep in, a way to take a shower, a washer and dryer and a DISHWASHER!!! our daughters have inspiring and caring teachers, they have favor with people. we have more blessings than anything we could even ask for. i mean, seriously? is it so? that God cares for me and my sweet little fam so much that He graces me with His blessings? that He shields us with His love? that even if all of the above were taken away He would still be here, that His Son, my Savior, would still be my side. that i have a best friend and deep relationship with Creator of the universe..i mean, seriously? wow. double wow.

something i realized mid-post

well THAT was the most expensive date i've ever been on. after making a trip to the furniture store and purchasing a couch AND love-seat, david and i went out to eat. 2 reasons: 1. it's the 8th anniversary of our first date and 2. we have no food at the house. (yay for payday and grocery day tomorrow)

it's been about a month since we got rid of our couches, so it will be a nice change on saturday when they deliver our new furniture. it was the first time david and i have ever bought our couches. after we married, we moved and his parents bought us our couch. then we moved here and there were couches already here. so it's official, david and i are growing up to be adults. after the investment of our laptop a couple of months ago and now this, i feel that we can now graduate with honors from the school of big, important purchases..a diploma in grown-up-ism.

granted, we have always been, for the most part, responsible and valuable citizens. we pay our bills, don't stay up too late, avoid doing unethical and immoral things, raise our kids with manners, and above all, put GOD as the head of our lives, marriage, and family. we have recently disconnected our satellite TV in hopes of having more time together to spend as a family unit, we love to help others in need, and we eat our veggies (most of the time). so even though we may be late bloomers in relation to buying couches or computers, we've had our fair share of life thrown at us and i guess in the grand scheme of things, buying "stuff" doesn't make us any more adults than our age. because let's face it, i've witnessed some pretty childish people well advanced in their years.

so have a good night all, i'm signing off...

love, the adult who just bought her first couch :)

just beachy

i am in florida for a few days with my daughters during their spring break. the weather here is stereo-typically florida; hot and muggy and sun, sun, sun. i love it. i am hitting up the beach tomorrow morning and i can't wait to see that ocean and hear those waves. i always feel cleansed when i leave the beach..almost as if i release all of my inner turmoil and hurts and anxiety into the vast blue, and emerge back into the world a little bit more carefree. for me, there are no more perfect moments than the ones i have just sitting on the sand, overlooking a horizon of water and hearing seagulls and waves and children's laughter. besides seeing my most amazing sister and her sweet little family, this is truly my most favorite part of coming here. can't wait. really, really can't wait.

when life attacks

sometimes things happen...like you're at the grocery store, or driving down the road, or just sitting there, and BAM! LIFE! it slaps you in the face. hard. and then runs away laughing leaving you to pick up pieces you didn't even know you had, and feeling disoriented from its attack. sometimes LIFE is so heavy, the situations so real and tangible, the inner turmoil so burdensome that all one can do is sit and stare. tonight i'm wearing my emotions like a bath-robe..heavy and damp, wrapped tightly around me. my mind is under the pressure of a thousand elephants, my heart is equally weighed down.

but, i smile. because i'm not in control. i almost want to laugh that kind of laughter that people do when they emotionally snap. you know, the laughter that turns to tears that turn to rage? but i don't need to laugh. i need to rest. i need to be still. i need to breathe deeply and smile. because i'm not in control. my heavenly Father is..my God is, my Savior is. "be still and know that I AM GOD" ....and i, well i'm not.

untitled

i appreciate the sun this morning. the fog has finally lifted, both literally and emotionally. i awoke with clean eyes and a renewed sense of soul. see, there's this thing. and i don't have the bravery, or strength, or will to write about it for now because it's too fresh and painful, but it's something i desparatley needed clean eyes for. my being longed for the renewed sense of soul that the sun gifted me with this morning, and as i sit here with my very hot coffee and two bickering little blondes in the other room, i am just appreciating this new day and everything that comes with it. dear God, just don't let the clouds come back, just for this day.