i am finding myself less and less tolerant of others' complaining. i wonder, "where is my mercy and grace for others?" when all i want to do is direct the whiners to worse things in the world than their petty crap. especially when that petty crap is something that can be changed. i find myself inwardly rolling my eyes when people tell me they "do not have the time" to workout, when they spend hours watching TV or scrolling through facebook. i cringe when people say "eating healthy is so expensive" when they choose to spend their money on other things that either negatively affect their health or eat out at restaurants or fast food or drink expensive coffees or get really big tattoos that cost hundreds of dollars......and then proceed to tell me about their latest diabetes sugar reading that was 200+. i personally, have no tolerance for people who put themselves down but refuse to do anything about it and instead tell ME that i'm getting "too skinny" or "ew, i could never eat that" blah blah blah. i find myself wanting to lose it on people who talk about "God" but really just believe in some santa in the sky and get upset when things don't go their way and blame Him for not doing something about it.
am i claiming perfection here? DEAR HEAVENS HEAR ME WHEN I SAY I AM SO NOT PERFECT!!!!!!! i fail, i get down, i get super anxious about things to the point that my chest tightens and i cannot breathe. i miss workouts, and don't always eat healthy 100% of the time. there are days i do not read my Bible or utter one word in prayer. I SCREW UP. i have about 2-3 trusted people i "complain" to about life when it gets too much and those 2 typically include my mom and my husband. I AM HUMAN! BUT THAT DOES NOT GIVE ME AN EXCUSE TO STAY KNOCKED DOWN! i recently got back from a cruise where i ate until i looked like i was nine months pregnant and only worked out one time in 6 days. but i picked my butt right back up this week despite lack of motivation and cravings out of this world, and i'm back to working out at 5:30am and eating clean!
life is killing me right now in some areas but i am not going to talk to everyone and their mothers about it and whine and stay down and fuss and fight and stay stressed. NO, that is not me! life hurts, it's hard...whatever!! i have a BIG BIG God who is way BIGGER than my problems. i recognize the things that are in my control and i change them...and leave the rest to my Father in Heaven.
you want change??!! BE ABOUT CHANGE.....STOP YAPPING YOUR MOUTH AND BE ABOUT CHANGE!!!!!!! eat something healthy, take a walk, open your Bible, start on your knees and pray. just. do. something.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
motivation-->results--.>motivation-->results-->motivation
it is said that if you dont give up on something, then the results of that something will be your motivation to keep going at it.
for example, when i started lifting weights, i didn't see results right away, but i felt great! ..... so i continued because the feeling was motivating. after several weeks and i could tell the littlest bit of progress, i kept going because my results were my motivation. now, as far as my muscles are concerned, i am never satisfied, but the changes in my body and my strength are my motivation to continue what i'm doing. and i just keep on keepin' on.
it's kind of like that in my relationship with God too. when i first started my journey with Him, i was quite young. it wasn't until years and several heartaches later that my life really began with Him and i started to learn to trust Him more and more. in those first weeks and months of quiet times and lengthy prayers, sometimes i didn't feel "results." i just knew that i was doing what i needed to do to get those results in my life, i.e. joy/peace/a relationship NOT religion/belief system with the One who created me (and you!). but i became "addicted" to it, to His presence, to hearing from Him, to knowing i was a part of His plan for such a time as this. and i wanted more. never satisfied, always continuing to go back for more. then i started noticing my spiritual muscles growing. something in life outta left field would hit me, and a Bible verse would come to mind. or i would think, "i'm not worried, my God is bigger than that problem." etc. or maybe i had a friend or family member going through something, and i would have the just the right wisdom to give them...wisdom straight from God's Word. i was no longer "weak," allowing the storms of life to toss me to and fro.
in seeing those results from my time spent with the Father, it was motivation for me to continue in doing what i was doing. i don't want to have spiritual muscle atrophy. i only want my muscles of faith and courage to grow...because all the biceps and triceps and abs in the world can never get me to where i wanna be spiritually.
sometimes i'll pray, read the Bible and feel "off." but that doesn't mean God isn't listening and my spirit isn't growing. sometimes i'll go to the gym and have an "off" workout. but that doesn't mean my body won't respond to what i'm doing. i keep going. i keep praying. i keep lifting. i keep reading. i keep eating healthy... i keep doing what needs to be done to get me where i want to be.
so let the results you see out of your relationship with the Creator of Heaven and earth be the motivation you need to continue in a relationship with Him. don't give up, those muscles will grow...that weakness will go away, and the strength you find in Him and His Word will be sufficient for you.
spiritual fitness > physical fitness
for example, when i started lifting weights, i didn't see results right away, but i felt great! ..... so i continued because the feeling was motivating. after several weeks and i could tell the littlest bit of progress, i kept going because my results were my motivation. now, as far as my muscles are concerned, i am never satisfied, but the changes in my body and my strength are my motivation to continue what i'm doing. and i just keep on keepin' on.
it's kind of like that in my relationship with God too. when i first started my journey with Him, i was quite young. it wasn't until years and several heartaches later that my life really began with Him and i started to learn to trust Him more and more. in those first weeks and months of quiet times and lengthy prayers, sometimes i didn't feel "results." i just knew that i was doing what i needed to do to get those results in my life, i.e. joy/peace/a relationship NOT religion/belief system with the One who created me (and you!). but i became "addicted" to it, to His presence, to hearing from Him, to knowing i was a part of His plan for such a time as this. and i wanted more. never satisfied, always continuing to go back for more. then i started noticing my spiritual muscles growing. something in life outta left field would hit me, and a Bible verse would come to mind. or i would think, "i'm not worried, my God is bigger than that problem." etc. or maybe i had a friend or family member going through something, and i would have the just the right wisdom to give them...wisdom straight from God's Word. i was no longer "weak," allowing the storms of life to toss me to and fro.
in seeing those results from my time spent with the Father, it was motivation for me to continue in doing what i was doing. i don't want to have spiritual muscle atrophy. i only want my muscles of faith and courage to grow...because all the biceps and triceps and abs in the world can never get me to where i wanna be spiritually.
sometimes i'll pray, read the Bible and feel "off." but that doesn't mean God isn't listening and my spirit isn't growing. sometimes i'll go to the gym and have an "off" workout. but that doesn't mean my body won't respond to what i'm doing. i keep going. i keep praying. i keep lifting. i keep reading. i keep eating healthy... i keep doing what needs to be done to get me where i want to be.
so let the results you see out of your relationship with the Creator of Heaven and earth be the motivation you need to continue in a relationship with Him. don't give up, those muscles will grow...that weakness will go away, and the strength you find in Him and His Word will be sufficient for you.
spiritual fitness > physical fitness
Thursday, February 28, 2013
starving
while typing this, i am baking a turkey tenderloin in the oven.
it has been 4 months since i've written on here, and lately i've been inspired to write again. which...may or may not be a good thing. ;) during my hiatus from the proverbial pen and paper aka keyboard, i have thrown myself head first into the fitness world. i work out 6-7 days a week, and am extremley strict on my nutrition. it is a lifestyle, not a diet....and by doing this, i have trained my body to know when i'm hungry, and when i'm not.
i no longer eat when i'm bored, when i feel like snacking, or emotional binge on oreos like i used to. :) i eat when my body tells me it's hungry. and when you work out intensely with weights like i do, sometimes your muscles are the ones that tell you when it's time to eat...not your stomach. it is a hunger that is deep, on the muscular level. a hunger that says, my entire body needs food or i will not be able to even move.
is that starvation? well, technically no. "starvation mode" happens after 24-48 hours of fasting with no water or food at all. but actually starving?? well, i think very few of us reading this have ever experienced real hunger, or wondered where our next meal was coming from.
even at my poorest as a single mother working 3 jobs and eating frito pies to survive, i never worried about when i was going to eat next. i have been to mexico, haiti and africa and i've seen what real food deficit does to the human body. heck, i've been to my local homeless shelter during their grocery give-away day and seen what people in my own community struggle with! people are hungry, starving even....all over the world. some in your own backyard.
i'll never forget attending a nutrition course in college and the instructor speaking of senior citizens who can only afford their medications, so they buy dog food to eat because it's cheaper. needless to say, when one of my daughers says, "i'm starving!" i'm quick to reply with, "no, you're just really hungry."
hungry. starving. thirsty. well, a lot us are okay in those areas right? in today's western culture, we're hungry...we eat, almost immediatley. in other parts of the world, they know that hunger is a part of life. but what about spiritual hunger? how many of us are starving at a spritual level?
can you feel it? that hunger and hole that you can't seem to fill? or maybe the void is filled...but it's devoid of any nutrition? do you feel like something is missing, depressed, a sense of "nothing can satisfy?" are you angry, but don't know why? do you feel emotional or mental pain you can't pinpoint? are you hopeless? afraid? then yes, you're spiritually hungry. maybe even starved.
i know when i experience spiritual hunger and thirst. i have wrong thoughts, (i've not renewed my mind), i say the wrong things (i've not allowed His Word to infiltrate and tame my tongue), i am weary and irritable (i've not cast my cares upon Him). the only way to feed my spirit is to spend time in God's presence, in His Word and praising Him with a heart of worship. i can feel my physical hunger almost immediatley, but my spiritual hunger is something i only feel when it's too late. but then i can't get enough. of Him, of praise and worship music, of the Bible....i stuff myself with spiritual food until i'm full....but see, then i want more. i'm full, but i keep going back for seconds. i HATE being starved and thirsty spiritually. it is a dangerous place for believers to be...and even more dangerous to be completely empty for non-believers.
Messiah knew what He was talking about when He was telling us how to pray, telling us to be thankful for daily bread. see, back then, it was all a person had was THAT DAY'S supply of food. no refrigerator, just if they could afford food that day, then they got some. if not, no eating. but DAILY BREAD is MORE than our breakfast/lunch/dinner. daily bread is the meat of God's Word, His instructions, His comfort, His wisdom. without it, we'd be starved. we need spiritual food daily to survive just like the food we put in our mouth!!!! and sadly..so many in america are in a state of spiritual-anorexia where they do not feed their spirits. and then we look across the globe, and see hungry people emaciated from no food...and yet so JOYOUS because they believe in God and love Him with everything...they are spiritually full always! that's the kind of fullness i want to know. while we are fat and happy and satiated on food, they are spirtually fat, happy, and satiated on the very bread of God, the Bible.
and now, my turkey tenderloin is done. and my body will be fed. then i will feed my spirit with the Word (i love the Psalms). and i'll go to bed not starving, and not hungry. but what about you?
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." Matthew 5:6
it has been 4 months since i've written on here, and lately i've been inspired to write again. which...may or may not be a good thing. ;) during my hiatus from the proverbial pen and paper aka keyboard, i have thrown myself head first into the fitness world. i work out 6-7 days a week, and am extremley strict on my nutrition. it is a lifestyle, not a diet....and by doing this, i have trained my body to know when i'm hungry, and when i'm not.
i no longer eat when i'm bored, when i feel like snacking, or emotional binge on oreos like i used to. :) i eat when my body tells me it's hungry. and when you work out intensely with weights like i do, sometimes your muscles are the ones that tell you when it's time to eat...not your stomach. it is a hunger that is deep, on the muscular level. a hunger that says, my entire body needs food or i will not be able to even move.
is that starvation? well, technically no. "starvation mode" happens after 24-48 hours of fasting with no water or food at all. but actually starving?? well, i think very few of us reading this have ever experienced real hunger, or wondered where our next meal was coming from.
even at my poorest as a single mother working 3 jobs and eating frito pies to survive, i never worried about when i was going to eat next. i have been to mexico, haiti and africa and i've seen what real food deficit does to the human body. heck, i've been to my local homeless shelter during their grocery give-away day and seen what people in my own community struggle with! people are hungry, starving even....all over the world. some in your own backyard.
i'll never forget attending a nutrition course in college and the instructor speaking of senior citizens who can only afford their medications, so they buy dog food to eat because it's cheaper. needless to say, when one of my daughers says, "i'm starving!" i'm quick to reply with, "no, you're just really hungry."
hungry. starving. thirsty. well, a lot us are okay in those areas right? in today's western culture, we're hungry...we eat, almost immediatley. in other parts of the world, they know that hunger is a part of life. but what about spiritual hunger? how many of us are starving at a spritual level?
can you feel it? that hunger and hole that you can't seem to fill? or maybe the void is filled...but it's devoid of any nutrition? do you feel like something is missing, depressed, a sense of "nothing can satisfy?" are you angry, but don't know why? do you feel emotional or mental pain you can't pinpoint? are you hopeless? afraid? then yes, you're spiritually hungry. maybe even starved.
i know when i experience spiritual hunger and thirst. i have wrong thoughts, (i've not renewed my mind), i say the wrong things (i've not allowed His Word to infiltrate and tame my tongue), i am weary and irritable (i've not cast my cares upon Him). the only way to feed my spirit is to spend time in God's presence, in His Word and praising Him with a heart of worship. i can feel my physical hunger almost immediatley, but my spiritual hunger is something i only feel when it's too late. but then i can't get enough. of Him, of praise and worship music, of the Bible....i stuff myself with spiritual food until i'm full....but see, then i want more. i'm full, but i keep going back for seconds. i HATE being starved and thirsty spiritually. it is a dangerous place for believers to be...and even more dangerous to be completely empty for non-believers.
Messiah knew what He was talking about when He was telling us how to pray, telling us to be thankful for daily bread. see, back then, it was all a person had was THAT DAY'S supply of food. no refrigerator, just if they could afford food that day, then they got some. if not, no eating. but DAILY BREAD is MORE than our breakfast/lunch/dinner. daily bread is the meat of God's Word, His instructions, His comfort, His wisdom. without it, we'd be starved. we need spiritual food daily to survive just like the food we put in our mouth!!!! and sadly..so many in america are in a state of spiritual-anorexia where they do not feed their spirits. and then we look across the globe, and see hungry people emaciated from no food...and yet so JOYOUS because they believe in God and love Him with everything...they are spiritually full always! that's the kind of fullness i want to know. while we are fat and happy and satiated on food, they are spirtually fat, happy, and satiated on the very bread of God, the Bible.
and now, my turkey tenderloin is done. and my body will be fed. then i will feed my spirit with the Word (i love the Psalms). and i'll go to bed not starving, and not hungry. but what about you?
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." Matthew 5:6
Saturday, October 27, 2012
sanctuary
"LORD prepare me, to be a sanctuary,
pure and holy,
tried and true,
with thanksgiving,
i'll be a living,
sanctuary for You."
have you heard that song before? i have sung it in church since i was a child. there is a longer version, but i've only sung this chorus. over and over. a sweet, slow, melodic chorus. this song has been on my heart for sometime now. i'll sing it out of nowhere and i wonder why at 2am while i have to make my middle-of-the-night trip to the bathroom, i'm singing this worship hymn.
i want to be prepared. prepared for the storms of this life, prepared for the awful days to come, prepared for what He has called me to do. i would rather be on the offense now of preparation, than on the defense of unpreparedness later in the game. i want to be prepared to finish my race well (per Hebrews 12:1) and however He chooses to do that, i know His ways aren't my own and His thoughts are higher than mine, then i accept how He wishes to prepare me. but in this song, the worshipper is asking to be prepared to be a sanctuary. what is a sanctuary?
a sanctuary, by definition, is a house of worship or a place of refuge/a holy place/a safe place. it is where millions across the world gather once a week to worship Him, it is where endangered plants and animals find rest and protection from the harmful outside world. a sanctuary. and as i sing this song, i am asking to be prepared to be a sanctuary. i am asking to made into a pure, holy, tried and true place of refuge. why? why would i sing to the Creator of the universe to make ME a living safe place for Him??? He is King, He is Ruler, He is Almighty. why oh why would He need me to be a holy place for Him?
it never really made sense to me...until today. i'm not sure who wrote this song. i'm not sure of its history or what the composer had in mind when they sang these words. but to me, it is as if i am pleading with Him to make my life and my heart and my spirit a place for Him to dwell in safety. you see, so many of us boast we are "Christians/believers/followers." and yet, our spirit inside must grieve because of our wicked hearts, and our unclean thoughts. do you understand? some of us, including myself, are not always a pure and holy place for Him to dwell. our sanctuaries are dirty, there are stains on the carpets of our hearts, and we refuse to make our spirits a refuge for His Son to live. so we reject Him. maybe not willingly, but often with our words or our actions, we are telling Him that we are not a safe haven for His Spirit. we kick Him out and won't allow His worship to penetrate the deepest parts of us. yes, He is our refuge, He is our hiding place....but in turn, He is longing for the same in us!!!
this song asks our Savior to purify us inside and out. when i sing this song now, i will fully know what i am singing. i am requesting of my Father to clean up my filth (aka prepare me) and allow Him to dwell safely within me. i am telling Him that, WITH THANKSGIVING, i will protect His name, i will protect His Word, i will protect His commandments. i am telling Him that He can trust me to keep myself pure and righteous so that His presence doesn't ever have to leave me,and that i will be thankful to do so!!
are you a "Holy Spirit" sanctuary? are you a safe place for our Messiah to dwell? are you a refuge for the Most High's name? do you protect His Word and His laws and commands over your own selfish ways? can He abide in you knowing you won't cause Him shame? are you prepared to make yourself pure and holy, tried and true? are you a sanctuary?
pure and holy,
tried and true,
with thanksgiving,
i'll be a living,
sanctuary for You."
have you heard that song before? i have sung it in church since i was a child. there is a longer version, but i've only sung this chorus. over and over. a sweet, slow, melodic chorus. this song has been on my heart for sometime now. i'll sing it out of nowhere and i wonder why at 2am while i have to make my middle-of-the-night trip to the bathroom, i'm singing this worship hymn.
i want to be prepared. prepared for the storms of this life, prepared for the awful days to come, prepared for what He has called me to do. i would rather be on the offense now of preparation, than on the defense of unpreparedness later in the game. i want to be prepared to finish my race well (per Hebrews 12:1) and however He chooses to do that, i know His ways aren't my own and His thoughts are higher than mine, then i accept how He wishes to prepare me. but in this song, the worshipper is asking to be prepared to be a sanctuary. what is a sanctuary?
a sanctuary, by definition, is a house of worship or a place of refuge/a holy place/a safe place. it is where millions across the world gather once a week to worship Him, it is where endangered plants and animals find rest and protection from the harmful outside world. a sanctuary. and as i sing this song, i am asking to be prepared to be a sanctuary. i am asking to made into a pure, holy, tried and true place of refuge. why? why would i sing to the Creator of the universe to make ME a living safe place for Him??? He is King, He is Ruler, He is Almighty. why oh why would He need me to be a holy place for Him?
it never really made sense to me...until today. i'm not sure who wrote this song. i'm not sure of its history or what the composer had in mind when they sang these words. but to me, it is as if i am pleading with Him to make my life and my heart and my spirit a place for Him to dwell in safety. you see, so many of us boast we are "Christians/believers/followers." and yet, our spirit inside must grieve because of our wicked hearts, and our unclean thoughts. do you understand? some of us, including myself, are not always a pure and holy place for Him to dwell. our sanctuaries are dirty, there are stains on the carpets of our hearts, and we refuse to make our spirits a refuge for His Son to live. so we reject Him. maybe not willingly, but often with our words or our actions, we are telling Him that we are not a safe haven for His Spirit. we kick Him out and won't allow His worship to penetrate the deepest parts of us. yes, He is our refuge, He is our hiding place....but in turn, He is longing for the same in us!!!
this song asks our Savior to purify us inside and out. when i sing this song now, i will fully know what i am singing. i am requesting of my Father to clean up my filth (aka prepare me) and allow Him to dwell safely within me. i am telling Him that, WITH THANKSGIVING, i will protect His name, i will protect His Word, i will protect His commandments. i am telling Him that He can trust me to keep myself pure and righteous so that His presence doesn't ever have to leave me,and that i will be thankful to do so!!
are you a "Holy Spirit" sanctuary? are you a safe place for our Messiah to dwell? are you a refuge for the Most High's name? do you protect His Word and His laws and commands over your own selfish ways? can He abide in you knowing you won't cause Him shame? are you prepared to make yourself pure and holy, tried and true? are you a sanctuary?
Friday, August 17, 2012
i don't want to write about that
is it possible that i haven't written in well over a month? how could i slack on something that is so dear to me? such an escape from my reality? what happened?
life. life happened. a million times i had a thought that got me thinking, "wow, i need to hurry and write that down." or, " i need to blog about that," and yet, it never happened. and now here i am writing at almost midnight. my mind full, yet empty. a million thoughts, yet nothing of clarity. and i sit. and i write.
over the past 6 weeks since i've written last, i have quit working full time at a job i've been at for 2 1/2 years and have gone to working only a couple of hours a day in the afternoon. (same place, different hours. what can i say? i love my co-workers and my employer wasn't quite ready to let me go. it was an offer i couldn't refuse.) then, we moved houses. we downsized. all of these changes so that we could do something we have wanted to do for a long time: home-school our girls. (well, me home-school the girls while david remains the primary provider for our family.)
maybe that's why i'm writing. to talk about homeschooling. i'm not sure. i know that the people who i thought would be super supportive, weren't. and the ones who i wasn't sure what they'd say, surprised me by rallying my cause the most. i feel no need to justify our decision. it's been a long time coming, and something we have spent months learning about, praying about, and speaking to others about. but now that i'm writing about it, no, that's not what i want to write about.
then, there's calli's birthday tomorrow. yes, my youngest. my baby. 7. the big 0-7. i wrote in her birthday card, "you are the love of my life." i didn't feel the need to write more. there is more truth in that statement than all the tea in china. i have never known a child to be so funny, so black-and-white, so by-the-book and yet so rebellious....she brings so much joy and laughter and smiles to our house. she is truly, the love of my life. but no, that's not what i want to write about either.
desi? well, she started cheerleading again this year....she is of course, my saving grace and angel from above. she deserves more love, more compassion, more patience than anyone i've ever met. i owe my life to her for growing me up into the woman i am today. she is my intuitive, sensitive, affectionate child.
...and david...no man could ever love me or take care of me the way he does. when we moved, i asked him to throw away some of my paintings i had done...just random colors on canvas that years ago provided solace from my trials, a peace in my storm. i didn't want them anymore, so i asked that he take them to the dump with our empty boxes. and tonight as i grabbed something out of the back of his jeep, i noticed the paintings were never taken to the dump as i asked..they were there. in the back of his jeep. stacked neatly in the corner. when i asked why he still had them, his response was, "i could never throw away anything you've done. that's your art. that means something." *sigh* ....no one else would ever care for me like that.
but then, i don't want to write about desiree or david either.
maybe i just needed to write. maybe i just needed to see my words again on paper (so to speak), you know, to get me back in the swing of things. because i HAVE to write, i HAVE to get my thoughts down. because if i don't, they back up. and i'm left with loudness and confusion and too many things in my mind that need to escape. so maybe that's what i'm doing here...escaping. but then again, i don't want to write about that either...
life. life happened. a million times i had a thought that got me thinking, "wow, i need to hurry and write that down." or, " i need to blog about that," and yet, it never happened. and now here i am writing at almost midnight. my mind full, yet empty. a million thoughts, yet nothing of clarity. and i sit. and i write.
over the past 6 weeks since i've written last, i have quit working full time at a job i've been at for 2 1/2 years and have gone to working only a couple of hours a day in the afternoon. (same place, different hours. what can i say? i love my co-workers and my employer wasn't quite ready to let me go. it was an offer i couldn't refuse.) then, we moved houses. we downsized. all of these changes so that we could do something we have wanted to do for a long time: home-school our girls. (well, me home-school the girls while david remains the primary provider for our family.)
maybe that's why i'm writing. to talk about homeschooling. i'm not sure. i know that the people who i thought would be super supportive, weren't. and the ones who i wasn't sure what they'd say, surprised me by rallying my cause the most. i feel no need to justify our decision. it's been a long time coming, and something we have spent months learning about, praying about, and speaking to others about. but now that i'm writing about it, no, that's not what i want to write about.
then, there's calli's birthday tomorrow. yes, my youngest. my baby. 7. the big 0-7. i wrote in her birthday card, "you are the love of my life." i didn't feel the need to write more. there is more truth in that statement than all the tea in china. i have never known a child to be so funny, so black-and-white, so by-the-book and yet so rebellious....she brings so much joy and laughter and smiles to our house. she is truly, the love of my life. but no, that's not what i want to write about either.
desi? well, she started cheerleading again this year....she is of course, my saving grace and angel from above. she deserves more love, more compassion, more patience than anyone i've ever met. i owe my life to her for growing me up into the woman i am today. she is my intuitive, sensitive, affectionate child.
...and david...no man could ever love me or take care of me the way he does. when we moved, i asked him to throw away some of my paintings i had done...just random colors on canvas that years ago provided solace from my trials, a peace in my storm. i didn't want them anymore, so i asked that he take them to the dump with our empty boxes. and tonight as i grabbed something out of the back of his jeep, i noticed the paintings were never taken to the dump as i asked..they were there. in the back of his jeep. stacked neatly in the corner. when i asked why he still had them, his response was, "i could never throw away anything you've done. that's your art. that means something." *sigh* ....no one else would ever care for me like that.
but then, i don't want to write about desiree or david either.
maybe i just needed to write. maybe i just needed to see my words again on paper (so to speak), you know, to get me back in the swing of things. because i HAVE to write, i HAVE to get my thoughts down. because if i don't, they back up. and i'm left with loudness and confusion and too many things in my mind that need to escape. so maybe that's what i'm doing here...escaping. but then again, i don't want to write about that either...
Monday, June 25, 2012
tropical storm Holy Spirit??
between massive amounts of flooding (while the rest of us in the country are experiencing some serious drought issues), tornadoes, insanely fast gust of winds, and the sedentary nature of the rain, tropical storm debby has proven to be more than slightly problematic. the past couple of days have found debby just...sitting. a storm dumping more and more water from the heavens and absolutley drenching florida and southeast georgia with no hurry to move on to the atlantic. hard rain, wet earth, windy air.
i heard a song tonight...the lyrics hypnotized me as the woman sang, "we need Your rain, we need Your rain." oh God, how my spirit cried out those same words inside of me....i thought of how absolutley desperate i am for His rain, for a "tropical storm Holy Spirit" so to speak. i need to be drenched with His presence, my heart yearns to be flooded with His passion and His mercy so that i can spill it over onto others. just as tropical storm debby was stationary for a period of time, i found myself praying for His rain to sit stationary over me. i want to be damaged by the wind of His Spirit...the kind of damage that destroys sin, that shatters self-will and rebeliousness, the kind ofdevastating destruction that brings about the rebuilding of a heart.
what about you? are you in great need of His rain? is your spirit in drought, and your heart left thirsty and parched for something only our Abba Father can quench? do you need the kind of damage i wrote of, the kind of rebuilding that only His great love can accomplish? oh dear precious one, i do too. so sing with me, even right now..."we need Your rain, we need Your rain"
i heard a song tonight...the lyrics hypnotized me as the woman sang, "we need Your rain, we need Your rain." oh God, how my spirit cried out those same words inside of me....i thought of how absolutley desperate i am for His rain, for a "tropical storm Holy Spirit" so to speak. i need to be drenched with His presence, my heart yearns to be flooded with His passion and His mercy so that i can spill it over onto others. just as tropical storm debby was stationary for a period of time, i found myself praying for His rain to sit stationary over me. i want to be damaged by the wind of His Spirit...the kind of damage that destroys sin, that shatters self-will and rebeliousness, the kind ofdevastating destruction that brings about the rebuilding of a heart.
what about you? are you in great need of His rain? is your spirit in drought, and your heart left thirsty and parched for something only our Abba Father can quench? do you need the kind of damage i wrote of, the kind of rebuilding that only His great love can accomplish? oh dear precious one, i do too. so sing with me, even right now..."we need Your rain, we need Your rain"
Thursday, May 10, 2012
it was only $20...
this afternoon for work, our medical building had a "patient appreciation day" that included goody bags, a bounce house, cake, a live band, and door prizes for our patients and their families. i happened to be standing at a table in the upstairs lobby area when one man's name in particular was called announcing the winning of a door prize. i had met this man a few minutes before as we had discussed what clinical trials and medical research were all about. this man and his family that he brought (his daughter and son) were not your normal/average looking family. their clothes were dirty...shoes worn out..hair disheveled, and to the human eye, not the most attractive people..and yet SMILES on all of their faces. they were not by the world's standards "priviledged" and yet i couldn't take my eyes off of where they were sitting the whole time i stood there. they laughed, they smiled, they ate the free food with appreciation and gratitude....i found them to be beautiful.
so when the man's name was called to receive a door prize, i was so happy because he had been eagerly awaiting at a near-by table to see if he was a winner. his daughter in particular cheered on her dad, and when he found out his prize was a $20 gas card to ingles (a local grocery store), he was overjoyed. and then about 20 seconds later, someone clarified to him that his free gift wasn't just a gas card, but could be used for anything at ingles should he choose to buy food, etc.
OH MY GOSH! you would have thought you gave the man a gold bar. he said, "you mean i can buy ANYTHING at ingles for $20?! i can use this IN the store?!" ...he then excitedly showed his gift card to his daughter exclaiming, "WE CAN GO SHOPPING IN INGLES!" his daughter's eyes lit up (she was probably about 10 years old) and she got this huge smile on her face. and over and over he just kept on and on about having $20 to go shopping with at ingles. i cry just remembering how i held back hot tears that stung my eyes so no one would see how touched i was. if this man and his daughter would be that happy about twenty bucks to use at a nice grocery store in town, imagine how selfish, ashamed, and spoiled i felt just being within earshot of his joy.
there's really no point here i am trying to drive home to you. it was just, wow. one of those moments i wanted to high five them and tell them how happy i was for them. one of those moments i wanted to put in a jar and open on days i feel particularly low about being me, about having my life. one of those moments i never ever ever want to forget.
so when the man's name was called to receive a door prize, i was so happy because he had been eagerly awaiting at a near-by table to see if he was a winner. his daughter in particular cheered on her dad, and when he found out his prize was a $20 gas card to ingles (a local grocery store), he was overjoyed. and then about 20 seconds later, someone clarified to him that his free gift wasn't just a gas card, but could be used for anything at ingles should he choose to buy food, etc.
OH MY GOSH! you would have thought you gave the man a gold bar. he said, "you mean i can buy ANYTHING at ingles for $20?! i can use this IN the store?!" ...he then excitedly showed his gift card to his daughter exclaiming, "WE CAN GO SHOPPING IN INGLES!" his daughter's eyes lit up (she was probably about 10 years old) and she got this huge smile on her face. and over and over he just kept on and on about having $20 to go shopping with at ingles. i cry just remembering how i held back hot tears that stung my eyes so no one would see how touched i was. if this man and his daughter would be that happy about twenty bucks to use at a nice grocery store in town, imagine how selfish, ashamed, and spoiled i felt just being within earshot of his joy.
there's really no point here i am trying to drive home to you. it was just, wow. one of those moments i wanted to high five them and tell them how happy i was for them. one of those moments i wanted to put in a jar and open on days i feel particularly low about being me, about having my life. one of those moments i never ever ever want to forget.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)