i don't want to write about that

is it possible that i haven't written in well over a month? how could i slack on something that is so dear to me? such an escape from my reality? what happened?

life. life happened. a million times i had a thought that got me thinking, "wow, i need to hurry and write that down." or, " i need to blog about that," and yet, it never happened. and now here i am writing at almost midnight. my mind full, yet empty. a million thoughts, yet nothing of clarity. and i sit. and i write.

over the past 6 weeks since i've written last, i have quit working full time at a job i've been at for 2 1/2 years and have gone to working only a couple of hours a day in the afternoon. (same place, different hours. what can i say? i love my co-workers and my employer wasn't quite ready to let me go. it was an offer i couldn't refuse.) then, we moved houses. we downsized. all of these changes so that we could do something we have wanted to do for a long time: home-school our girls. (well, me home-school the girls while david remains the primary provider for our family.)

maybe that's why i'm writing. to talk about homeschooling. i'm not sure. i know that the people who i thought would be super supportive, weren't. and the ones who i wasn't sure what they'd say, surprised me by rallying my cause the most. i feel no need to justify our decision. it's been a long time coming, and something we have spent months learning about, praying about, and speaking to others about. but now that i'm writing about it, no, that's not what i want to write about.

then, there's calli's birthday tomorrow. yes, my youngest. my baby. 7. the big 0-7. i wrote in her birthday card, "you are the love of my life." i didn't feel the need to write more. there is more truth in that statement than all the tea in china. i have never known a child to be so funny, so black-and-white, so by-the-book and yet so rebellious....she brings so much joy and laughter and smiles to our house. she is truly, the love of my life. but no, that's not what i want to write about either.

desi? well, she started cheerleading again this year....she is of course, my saving grace and angel from above. she deserves more love, more compassion, more patience than anyone i've ever met. i owe my life to her for growing me up into the woman i am today. she is my intuitive, sensitive, affectionate child.

...and david...no man could ever love me or take care of me the way he does. when we moved, i asked him to throw away some of my paintings i had done...just random colors on canvas that years ago provided solace from my trials, a peace in my storm. i didn't want them anymore, so i asked that he take them to the dump with our empty boxes. and tonight as i grabbed something out of the back of his jeep, i noticed the paintings were never taken to the dump as i asked..they were there. in the back of his jeep. stacked neatly in the corner. when i asked why he still had them, his response was, "i could never throw away anything you've done. that's your art. that means something." *sigh* ....no one else would ever care for me like that.

but then, i don't want to write about desiree or david either.

maybe i just needed to write. maybe i just needed to see my words again on paper (so to speak), you know, to get me back in the swing of things. because i HAVE to write, i HAVE to get my thoughts down. because if i don't, they back up. and i'm left with loudness and confusion and too many things in my mind that need to escape. so maybe that's what i'm doing here...escaping. but then again, i don't want to write about that either...