it was only $20...

this afternoon for work, our medical building had a "patient appreciation day" that included goody bags, a bounce house, cake, a live band, and door prizes for our patients and their families. i happened to be standing at a table in the upstairs lobby area when one man's name in particular was called announcing the winning of a door prize. i had met this man a few minutes before as we had discussed what clinical trials and medical research were all about. this man and his family that he brought (his daughter and son) were not your normal/average looking family. their clothes were dirty...shoes worn out..hair disheveled, and to the human eye, not the most attractive people..and yet SMILES on all of their faces. they were not by the world's standards "priviledged" and yet i couldn't take my eyes off of where they were sitting the whole time i stood there. they laughed, they smiled, they ate the free food with appreciation and gratitude....i found them to be beautiful.

so when the man's name was called to receive a door prize, i was so happy because he had been eagerly awaiting at a near-by table to see if he was a winner. his daughter in particular cheered on her dad, and when he found out his prize was a $20 gas card to ingles (a local grocery store), he was overjoyed. and then about 20 seconds later, someone clarified to him that his free gift wasn't just a gas card, but could be used for anything at ingles should he choose to buy food, etc.

OH MY GOSH! you would have thought you gave the man a gold bar. he said, "you mean i can buy ANYTHING at ingles for $20?! i can use this IN the store?!" ...he then excitedly showed his gift card to his daughter exclaiming, "WE CAN GO SHOPPING IN INGLES!" his daughter's eyes lit up (she was probably about 10 years old) and she got this huge smile on her face. and over and over he just kept on and on about having $20 to go shopping with at ingles. i cry just remembering how i held back hot tears that stung my eyes so no one would see how touched i was. if this man and his daughter would be that happy about twenty bucks to use at a nice grocery store in town, imagine how selfish, ashamed, and spoiled i felt just being within earshot of his joy. 

there's really no point here i am trying to drive home to you. it was just, wow. one of those moments i wanted to high five them and tell them how happy i was for them. one of those moments i wanted to put in a jar and open on days i feel particularly low about being me, about having my life. one of those moments i never ever ever want to forget.

the cry from a rebellious heart

Surrendering. To relinquish control, to hand over possession, just like that. I have such  a rebellious heart, I always want to push the envelope just to see how far I can go without “going all the way” when it pertains to sinning, obedience, or submitting to authority. Have I ever fully surrendered? Haven’t I always been pushing the envelope, seeing how much of my way I can get while still “being good” in Your eyes? Every single great story of the Bible involves complete surrender, total obedience, absolute submission to Your calling, to Your voice, to Your will. Abraham taking his son that he prayed for to an altar as You told him, Moses bringing the people out of Egypt, Gideon leading the army of 300, Elijah, Isaiah and Jeremiah prophesying Your Words, King David, the 12 disciples, even Your own Son submitted totally to Your will by dying on a tree for a sinful world. The list continues on to Paul who out of obedience to You ended up in prison and martyred for Your Name sake, and yet lived a life of total joy that is still affecting the world today! And here I sit, rebellious, callous-hearted; wanting to do the right things, while still doing the wrong things. I get so angry over Calli being just like me…when I get onto her for being rebellious, and her push-the-envelope-always-questioning-authority attitude, I hear YOU speaking to ME. Surely the words I say to her are identical to the ones You speak to my spirit. I always think “I don’t want to break Calli’s spirit, I just want to channel that spirit for the good and not the wrong.” And then in church, as Pastor Renny speaks on absolute surrender, I hear You speaking into my heart, “I don’t want to break your spirit, Darlena.” You are such a good daddy! You, just like me, want Your children to be obedient because it is good for us to do as You ask. Your words, Your commandments, they are for my good and not my harm. You don’t give us a long list of “do nots” because You are mean…You do it out of care and protection and love for Your kids. Please help me to understand that. Please grace me with a light bulb moment that kicks my butt and tells me Your ways are good and I have got to stop rebelling…pushing to see how far I can go without actually “sinning,” playing with fire and always getting spiritually burned. I want surrender. I want to relinquish. I want to understand that I won’t lose this spirit inside You have placed within me if I am 100% submitted to Your commandments and Your will. I don’t want my way anymore. I want Your way, I want You to channel me for Your good and Your purpose. Oh dear Father, please let all I do have purpose. Every word, every thought, every deed and action, every single thing please let it have Your eternal purpose attached to it. And if it doesn’t, please free from those things. Please get rid of ME….LESS of me and MORE of You. Please help me to know that I will never be able to model surrender and obedience to my own children if I don’t do it in my life. You are the only one I want to surrender to…I am tired of surrendering to me. I am sick of me. The only good I have is You in me. Surrender. Relinquish. Give up control. Letting go. Obedience. Submission. For when I bow to You, You raise me up.