i was literally slumped over the stove tonight. the warmth from the lasagna baking in the oven combined with my gloomy mood and our flat top range provided the perfect resting spot where i could wait for dinner to be ready. i must have scared my 5-year old daughter because she tip-toed in the kitchen to tell me she could spell "happy" and very softly patted my hip.
"what's wrong, momma?" she whispered in a hushed tone.
i smiled. gosh my kids are so intuitive and thoughtful. i love them so much.
"nothing baby. momma's just resting."
and i was. on our flat top range, warm from baked lasagna. there was fog over the valley when i pulled in tonight. fog plus a fine mist of moist air and a gray sky, well that just equals doom and gloom. i was also reminded this was the day. the day my grandmother passed away 16 years ago. i was only 13. my oldest sister and brother were closest to her, but she is still missed. i wonder if my mom has remembered....
all of this joined with a text from one of my best friends telling me she wished i could rub her hair and tell her everything is okay and personal challenges that i have been dealing with this week....WOW..a gloomy evening indeed, especially in my heart. thankfully i'm a bouncer. i'll bounce back. all i need is some SUNSHINE, dear GOD please give me some sunshine...just a ray. just one little ray of light.....
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
overanalytical with a side of compassion, please. and hold the hyper-sensitivity
every year, if you're lucky, in your job you'll receive an evaluation. this is a good thing, whether it comes with a pay raise or not (preferably with). this is a chance for your employer to go over with you your strengths and weaknesses in your job and hopefully will provide guidance on how to improve yourself; the good and the bad.
i'll be 30 at the end of may. 30. at first i didn't mind this change in my life..in fact, for the past several months i've been welcoming and inviting this new "age" to come and rid me of my disasterous 20s. all the pain from my young adult life i felt would melt away as i began a new journey called "30." and now, i'm not sure how i'll feel about it until it's actually here.
what i do know about turning 30 is myself. thankfully, i have always been very self-aware of my every action, word, and thought. for so many years i have toiled and over-analyzed myself, deep down where no one else can go. why did i say that? why does that bother me? why am i like this? when did this feeling originate? etc. i am also aware, mind you, of my good traits. so as 30 is creeping up without even asking if i want it or not, i will give myself, publically, an evaluation. just as an employer would do, i will analyze my life, the good, the bad, the ugly. i will be a realist about myself, as i usually am, and recognize in the following list things i admire, and things i detest about myself. as the authority on "me," i will probably leave out a few (personal) things about darlena, and more than likely flat out forget some things. but here it goes....my 30 year evaluation, in no particular order.
1) as noted before, i am beyond overanalytical. to a fault. not only to me, but to others and their words and actions. i just plain think way too much about way too much.
2) i am insanely hyper-sensitive and one cross word has the power to send me into an overanalytical overdrive of sorts, this i hate because i dwell. yes, i'm a dweller.
3) i have control issues. this is a recent revelation of mine, maybe in just the past year. i straddle the fence of perfectionism and controlling, sometimes the wind blows me one way, sometimes another. but either way, as my dear friend put it, i am a "perfectionist, control-freak" yikes!
4) if you're crying, i'm going to cry too. it's just my bleeding heart for a broken heart. "weep with those who weep.."
5) on that note, i'm super compassionate. i may not always show you with a hug, but my heart breaks. no matter how you've done me wrong, throw me a sob-story and i'll throw you some compassion. it's true (ask my ex-husband)
6) i sometimes use my words as venom, i can cut you down to size in the matter of a sentence. but i mostly do this in front of the mirror in my bathroom or in my car. rarely will i "tell someone off" to their face. it's mostly when i'm just by myself. but trust me, those words can be poison (not proud of this)
7) i have severe maternal insecurities and base how good i'm doing at parenting by how many rules i can give my children
8) i will compare myself to you, and find the one (or two) thing that you have that i deem "better" than me and focus on that and try to attain it myself. i can be a chameleon this way
9) i am loyal, even if i don't like you.
10) i have to have everything done yesterday
so, there's the major things. right there. laid out for all to see. love it or hate it, that's me. of course there's so much more, as there is with any human being. this is my 30 year evaluation. my strengths, my weaknesses. i hope to look back at this 10 years from now as i approach 40 and have all new revelations of myself to add. thanks for reading. don't judge, or i'll tell you off in my bathroom.
i'll be 30 at the end of may. 30. at first i didn't mind this change in my life..in fact, for the past several months i've been welcoming and inviting this new "age" to come and rid me of my disasterous 20s. all the pain from my young adult life i felt would melt away as i began a new journey called "30." and now, i'm not sure how i'll feel about it until it's actually here.
what i do know about turning 30 is myself. thankfully, i have always been very self-aware of my every action, word, and thought. for so many years i have toiled and over-analyzed myself, deep down where no one else can go. why did i say that? why does that bother me? why am i like this? when did this feeling originate? etc. i am also aware, mind you, of my good traits. so as 30 is creeping up without even asking if i want it or not, i will give myself, publically, an evaluation. just as an employer would do, i will analyze my life, the good, the bad, the ugly. i will be a realist about myself, as i usually am, and recognize in the following list things i admire, and things i detest about myself. as the authority on "me," i will probably leave out a few (personal) things about darlena, and more than likely flat out forget some things. but here it goes....my 30 year evaluation, in no particular order.
1) as noted before, i am beyond overanalytical. to a fault. not only to me, but to others and their words and actions. i just plain think way too much about way too much.
2) i am insanely hyper-sensitive and one cross word has the power to send me into an overanalytical overdrive of sorts, this i hate because i dwell. yes, i'm a dweller.
3) i have control issues. this is a recent revelation of mine, maybe in just the past year. i straddle the fence of perfectionism and controlling, sometimes the wind blows me one way, sometimes another. but either way, as my dear friend put it, i am a "perfectionist, control-freak" yikes!
4) if you're crying, i'm going to cry too. it's just my bleeding heart for a broken heart. "weep with those who weep.."
5) on that note, i'm super compassionate. i may not always show you with a hug, but my heart breaks. no matter how you've done me wrong, throw me a sob-story and i'll throw you some compassion. it's true (ask my ex-husband)
6) i sometimes use my words as venom, i can cut you down to size in the matter of a sentence. but i mostly do this in front of the mirror in my bathroom or in my car. rarely will i "tell someone off" to their face. it's mostly when i'm just by myself. but trust me, those words can be poison (not proud of this)
7) i have severe maternal insecurities and base how good i'm doing at parenting by how many rules i can give my children
8) i will compare myself to you, and find the one (or two) thing that you have that i deem "better" than me and focus on that and try to attain it myself. i can be a chameleon this way
9) i am loyal, even if i don't like you.
10) i have to have everything done yesterday
so, there's the major things. right there. laid out for all to see. love it or hate it, that's me. of course there's so much more, as there is with any human being. this is my 30 year evaluation. my strengths, my weaknesses. i hope to look back at this 10 years from now as i approach 40 and have all new revelations of myself to add. thanks for reading. don't judge, or i'll tell you off in my bathroom.
Friday, March 25, 2011
plenty
i went to walmart today after work. i had to get new backpacks for the kids (their's look like we pulled them out of the dumpster, cut some holes in 'em, and ran over them with our car a few times. okay, they're not THAT bad, but definitley "holey" and ripped), rain boots for the kids, groceries, dog food, a prescription at the pharmacy...blah blah blah. my buggy was full before i even got to the baking aisle (about halfway through). i bought family size everything because i've started packing the girls' lunches and david takes his now. family size lunch meat, family size chicken breast pack, family size swiss cheese, family size snacks, fruit, and the list goes on. i thought i was going to pass out when the sweet clerk gave me my total, but being the talented actress that i am, i smiled and said "wow, that's great!" okay, so i lied.
david unloaded my car and helped put the groceries up. when i went to tell him how much i spent he said, "i don't want to know. we have plenty." i rebutted with "but, i only got 4 dinners to cook and the rest are quick throw-togethers, and..."
"we have plenty."
"i know, but i feel like i didn't get that much for what i spent"
"we HAVE plenty!" okay, i got the point now.
(this is the part of the story where i mention something that is so unrelated and you wonder, where is she going with this?, and then i make my point later on. so hang on) a couple of days ago, we had someone come pick up our couches. we are selling most everything we have right now in our living room/dining room area in order to down size and invest in a sectional. but right now, the only sitting furniture we have is a recliner (which the girls have taken over), and our kitchen table chairs. so our night went something like this...
david turns on american's funniest home videos, followed by spongebob. i lay down on my stomach on the floor in front of the TV. oldest daughter gets off the chair and lays by me. youngest sits in david's lap on the floor, then comes and lays on her tummy too next to sister. then david lays down next to youngest. and there we were...all on our stomachs on the floor. no couch, no fancy furniture. just carpet underneath us. and i looked at us, and the words echo in my head...
"we have plenty."
david unloaded my car and helped put the groceries up. when i went to tell him how much i spent he said, "i don't want to know. we have plenty." i rebutted with "but, i only got 4 dinners to cook and the rest are quick throw-togethers, and..."
"we have plenty."
"i know, but i feel like i didn't get that much for what i spent"
"we HAVE plenty!" okay, i got the point now.
(this is the part of the story where i mention something that is so unrelated and you wonder, where is she going with this?, and then i make my point later on. so hang on) a couple of days ago, we had someone come pick up our couches. we are selling most everything we have right now in our living room/dining room area in order to down size and invest in a sectional. but right now, the only sitting furniture we have is a recliner (which the girls have taken over), and our kitchen table chairs. so our night went something like this...
david turns on american's funniest home videos, followed by spongebob. i lay down on my stomach on the floor in front of the TV. oldest daughter gets off the chair and lays by me. youngest sits in david's lap on the floor, then comes and lays on her tummy too next to sister. then david lays down next to youngest. and there we were...all on our stomachs on the floor. no couch, no fancy furniture. just carpet underneath us. and i looked at us, and the words echo in my head...
"we have plenty."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
the people *warning: over-use of the word 'amazed/amazing'*
i just read a great story that someone shared via "comment" on a previous post of mine that touched my heart (thanks pastor rick :) ). i immediatley felt so grateful for his tale that related to the struggle i was experiencing in the beginning of the week. (the house situation, go back and read if you have not yet)
but since then, i've been reminded over and over that a house is just that, a house. it's the people in my life that matter the most. sometimes i look around at the people that surround me and i'm in awe at how my heavenly Father knows me so well, and has orchestrated every detail of my relationships with the people in my life. sure there are people that i don't always get a long with..that would be boring..but in nearly every situation i find myself in, i'm constantly exposed to amazing people.
my two sweet daughters (10 and 5) and my hilarious, playful husband get first mention, but of course, and i should hope everyone feels this way, they're my number 1 babes and i am MOST thankful for my kiddos and my man.
but for explanatory purposes, i have to mention my siblings who, no matter what we're going through, when we're together, it's basically amazing. and even when it's not, the non-amazing stuff, like sibling rivalry; petty fights; sarcastic comments, is over pretty quickly. two sisters and a brother capture my heart every time we're together. bonds that can never be broken, history that only we share, secrets that are just for us. i'm so grateful for my three loves, deanna, derek, and debbie.
then there are my co-workers who i spend more of my time with than probably any one else. i mean, can i say enough good things about jill, beth, and michelle? i think not. we are a foursome of women who have a connection of sorted pasts, promising futures, and sometimes troubling presents. but through it all, we are so close. it is unlike any female-office situation i've ever encountered. these are the girls that would bail me out of jail without even asking a question. they keep me smiling day in, day out. i love them so much.
last but SO not least are my church family/friends, and friends in general..whether on twitter, facebook, at the salon where i'm groomed,etc. i am so amazed at the way that some of these people can lift me out of a dark pit when i'm in my most desparate hour. i have been insanely, ridiculously, undeservingly blessed with spiritual mentors, coffee buddies, email-pals, text partners, smiling faces, and kind words.
it's the people that matter. the ones in my past, the ones that surround me now, and the ones i have yet to meet. everyone matters. every person. every heart.
but since then, i've been reminded over and over that a house is just that, a house. it's the people in my life that matter the most. sometimes i look around at the people that surround me and i'm in awe at how my heavenly Father knows me so well, and has orchestrated every detail of my relationships with the people in my life. sure there are people that i don't always get a long with..that would be boring..but in nearly every situation i find myself in, i'm constantly exposed to amazing people.
my two sweet daughters (10 and 5) and my hilarious, playful husband get first mention, but of course, and i should hope everyone feels this way, they're my number 1 babes and i am MOST thankful for my kiddos and my man.
but for explanatory purposes, i have to mention my siblings who, no matter what we're going through, when we're together, it's basically amazing. and even when it's not, the non-amazing stuff, like sibling rivalry; petty fights; sarcastic comments, is over pretty quickly. two sisters and a brother capture my heart every time we're together. bonds that can never be broken, history that only we share, secrets that are just for us. i'm so grateful for my three loves, deanna, derek, and debbie.
then there are my co-workers who i spend more of my time with than probably any one else. i mean, can i say enough good things about jill, beth, and michelle? i think not. we are a foursome of women who have a connection of sorted pasts, promising futures, and sometimes troubling presents. but through it all, we are so close. it is unlike any female-office situation i've ever encountered. these are the girls that would bail me out of jail without even asking a question. they keep me smiling day in, day out. i love them so much.
last but SO not least are my church family/friends, and friends in general..whether on twitter, facebook, at the salon where i'm groomed,etc. i am so amazed at the way that some of these people can lift me out of a dark pit when i'm in my most desparate hour. i have been insanely, ridiculously, undeservingly blessed with spiritual mentors, coffee buddies, email-pals, text partners, smiling faces, and kind words.
it's the people that matter. the ones in my past, the ones that surround me now, and the ones i have yet to meet. everyone matters. every person. every heart.
Monday, March 21, 2011
the house that was no more
my eyes hurt. they're really dry from crying so much today. at the risk of being 100% vulnerable, my husband and i were turned down today for a mortgage loan. ouch. that hurt. possibly because we became SO attached to a cabin we kept calling "our house." and now, it's only a pipe dream.
speaking of dreams, owning a home was somewhere near the bottom of the "dream list" for david and me. we have moved several times since we married, and have always loved the freedom that renting brought. but in the past few weeks, some events transpired, and we thought, "let's buy a house!" we found the most perfect home of all time (which we stalked over the past week, imagining our lives in this cabin), and had up close seats for it's disappearance today. and my eyes absolutley, positivley hurt with dry-burn. ouch.
but, in talking with one of the people that know me best (myself), i am totally okay now. well, not *totally* okay, but i'm getting there. i bounce back quick. always have :). my conversation went something like this..
darlena, it's okay. it is SO not a big deal. you have never wanted to own a home before, so you'll get over this quickly. something will work out, God knew about this before you did, and He's got this. you prayed specifically for doors to be closed that He didn't want open, and for Him to open doors that no man could open for you. and now here you are, falling apart and wracking with sobs. calm down. now. it's okay. it's SO NOT A BIG DEAL. i have a home to go to TONIGHT. that's all that matters. tonight is all that matters. i don't have tomorrow guaranteed. something will work out. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. *sob, sob* but it was OUR house! that house was meant for US! *sniffle* okay, i'm fine. it's fine. i'm okay. it's okay.
and that conversation has continued tonight with myself and with my husband, sans tears. no, i have no more tears. i just have dry, burning, painful eyes and a smile because my girls are happily and healthfully playing games, david is laying down watching spongebob with them, and i'm here, writing. so really, i'll save the tears for when something REALLY matters. this, this is just a very temporary set-back.
speaking of dreams, owning a home was somewhere near the bottom of the "dream list" for david and me. we have moved several times since we married, and have always loved the freedom that renting brought. but in the past few weeks, some events transpired, and we thought, "let's buy a house!" we found the most perfect home of all time (which we stalked over the past week, imagining our lives in this cabin), and had up close seats for it's disappearance today. and my eyes absolutley, positivley hurt with dry-burn. ouch.
but, in talking with one of the people that know me best (myself), i am totally okay now. well, not *totally* okay, but i'm getting there. i bounce back quick. always have :). my conversation went something like this..
darlena, it's okay. it is SO not a big deal. you have never wanted to own a home before, so you'll get over this quickly. something will work out, God knew about this before you did, and He's got this. you prayed specifically for doors to be closed that He didn't want open, and for Him to open doors that no man could open for you. and now here you are, falling apart and wracking with sobs. calm down. now. it's okay. it's SO NOT A BIG DEAL. i have a home to go to TONIGHT. that's all that matters. tonight is all that matters. i don't have tomorrow guaranteed. something will work out. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. *sob, sob* but it was OUR house! that house was meant for US! *sniffle* okay, i'm fine. it's fine. i'm okay. it's okay.
and that conversation has continued tonight with myself and with my husband, sans tears. no, i have no more tears. i just have dry, burning, painful eyes and a smile because my girls are happily and healthfully playing games, david is laying down watching spongebob with them, and i'm here, writing. so really, i'll save the tears for when something REALLY matters. this, this is just a very temporary set-back.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
weekend confessions---really bad food choices---food for thought
i had such a good weekend!!! but my body is suffering from all the "fun." you must know that i am a litle obsessed with healthy food. i'm not a skinny-minnie by any means, i'm a healthy, average-sized woman. i love love love organic food (but am not by any stretch of the imagination an "organic snob"), i love healthy eating, i love natural foods, i love learning about nutrition. BUT, if i could, i would eat fast food everyday, eat donuts 3 times a week (atleast), and devour an entire box of oatmeal creme pies in one sitting (literally). because frankly, i'm a closet junk food addict. so i have to daily make conscience decisions about my eating habits.
i do not drink soda. at all. it's the high fructose corn syrup that keeps me at bay. friday for lunch, i ate at a local hamburger joint, complete with a huge cheeseburger, cheese fries, and 3, yes 3 cups of root beer. (it's true, and i'm so ashamed. but it. was. so. stinkin. good.) my body nearly immediatley started feeling sick. and for the rest of the day, i refused to eat and vowed to be super good on saturday. (except for that bowl of ice cream i had that night......)
fast forward to last night. david wanted to try a new italian/pizza place in town he had not been to. i loved it and thought he would too. we went. we ordered a pizza each, with intentions of bringing left overs home. he ate his entire pizza. i ate 4 pieces and put the rest in a to-go box. we drove to the lake, took a walk, went and looked at some homes for sale, then made it home about an hour later. i thought i'd try and be a champ and finish off the rest of my pizza. i got about 1/2 way through the left overs and felt like i was going to pass out. ever since, my body has been KILLING me for putting it through torture this weekend.
so it's out now. all of my dirty confessions of gluttony. but i guess the same could be said for everything else we put in our body, not just food. when we listen to too much negativity or music we shouldn't be listening to, when we watch tv shows or things on the computer that we shouldn't be watching, when we think things that do not line up with the Word of God...all of these things cause the same reaction in our Spirit as over-eating does to our flesh. it's not only the healthy food we need to be watching that goes into our bodies, but the worldly and/or spiritual food that goes into our ears, our eyes, and our thoughts. because eventually, it all comes out: through speech, through actions...what's going on inside of you, it will come out.
i do not drink soda. at all. it's the high fructose corn syrup that keeps me at bay. friday for lunch, i ate at a local hamburger joint, complete with a huge cheeseburger, cheese fries, and 3, yes 3 cups of root beer. (it's true, and i'm so ashamed. but it. was. so. stinkin. good.) my body nearly immediatley started feeling sick. and for the rest of the day, i refused to eat and vowed to be super good on saturday. (except for that bowl of ice cream i had that night......)
fast forward to last night. david wanted to try a new italian/pizza place in town he had not been to. i loved it and thought he would too. we went. we ordered a pizza each, with intentions of bringing left overs home. he ate his entire pizza. i ate 4 pieces and put the rest in a to-go box. we drove to the lake, took a walk, went and looked at some homes for sale, then made it home about an hour later. i thought i'd try and be a champ and finish off the rest of my pizza. i got about 1/2 way through the left overs and felt like i was going to pass out. ever since, my body has been KILLING me for putting it through torture this weekend.
so it's out now. all of my dirty confessions of gluttony. but i guess the same could be said for everything else we put in our body, not just food. when we listen to too much negativity or music we shouldn't be listening to, when we watch tv shows or things on the computer that we shouldn't be watching, when we think things that do not line up with the Word of God...all of these things cause the same reaction in our Spirit as over-eating does to our flesh. it's not only the healthy food we need to be watching that goes into our bodies, but the worldly and/or spiritual food that goes into our ears, our eyes, and our thoughts. because eventually, it all comes out: through speech, through actions...what's going on inside of you, it will come out.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
the thought that counts??????????
i went to donate blood today. i couldn't give because i have been out of the country in the past three years. (haiti, last november.) such a bummer. i love donating blood, makes me feel like i'm doing something for mankind! oh well, i guess in this case, the "thought that counts" doesn't really count. i mean, no one in dire need of a blood transfusion is going to be lying there thinking "oh if only someone *thought* about giving blood but couldn't, that would make things all better." no, in many cases, the "thought" DOES NOT count.
like for instance. when you THINK about doing something nice for someone but realize you're just too busy. or when you THINK about holding the door open for an elderly person, but are in too much of a hurry to wait for their slow-selves to get to the door. OR when you think about donating money, even $5 for starving ethiopian Christians, or texting $10 for haiti and/or japan relief..but don't do it because you think everyone else is and what use is your $5 really going to do? how about when you think about praying with your spouse, or praying FOR someone, but figure it can wait?
what about those times? do those *thoughts* count? i think not. and neither do you if you're really honest with yourself.
what about thinking that you'll do what God has called you to do, but you wait so long that you see He has called someone else to do it instead, and you figure you're off the hook. when you die, and you stand before your Creator, the Magnificent One, will you dare dwell in His presence and say "i thought about doing it." ? or would you RATHER be saying, "i did it. i thought about it, and i did it."
because THOSE thoughts that are COMPLETED through actions out of a manifestation of loving others and helping the human race, those thoughts are the ones that count.
like for instance. when you THINK about doing something nice for someone but realize you're just too busy. or when you THINK about holding the door open for an elderly person, but are in too much of a hurry to wait for their slow-selves to get to the door. OR when you think about donating money, even $5 for starving ethiopian Christians, or texting $10 for haiti and/or japan relief..but don't do it because you think everyone else is and what use is your $5 really going to do? how about when you think about praying with your spouse, or praying FOR someone, but figure it can wait?
what about those times? do those *thoughts* count? i think not. and neither do you if you're really honest with yourself.
what about thinking that you'll do what God has called you to do, but you wait so long that you see He has called someone else to do it instead, and you figure you're off the hook. when you die, and you stand before your Creator, the Magnificent One, will you dare dwell in His presence and say "i thought about doing it." ? or would you RATHER be saying, "i did it. i thought about it, and i did it."
because THOSE thoughts that are COMPLETED through actions out of a manifestation of loving others and helping the human race, those thoughts are the ones that count.
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